izaq dumlao

i have died everyday waiting for you.

2012-01-22T15:21:00.003+08:00

Treat your girl right, bro. Plain and simple.
I know it can be hard to please her sometimes, but it’s worth it in the end. Remember that she’s your happiness, your world. She should be the first person you talk to in the morning, and the last person you whisper “Good night” to. Unlike some of your bros, she’s going to be there for you when you’re the happiest, but more importantly, when you’re at your lowest. She’ll cook for you and care for you, so treat her like a queen. Girls are delicate creatures. Think before you say. Think before you act. They take every little mistake you make and multiply it by a thousand. So try not to mess up, aight? When you’re fighting, sometimes it’s better to put your relationship before your own pride. You’re not helping yourself by making her upset, bro. And never, ever, under any condition, let her go to sleep crying. She’ll resent you for it for the rest of your days. Don’t forget to make her feel special everyday. Open doors, go shopping with her. Hell, make dinner for her! The more you show her you love her, the more she’ll give you in return. Remember that an “I love you” via text is never as special as one in person. And show her off to your bros, don’t be ashamed of her. She’s never been ashamed of your dorky ass. Look, she doesn’t really need much in a relationship; she just wants to feel like she matters to you. That’s not asking for much, bro.But if you haven’t learned a thing from reading this, remember this. Love her unconditionally, loyally, and keep her close. Love her with everything you’ve got: emotionally, mentally, and physically. Because I swear, if you won’t treat your girl right, someone else definitely will.

passive aggressive.

2011-11-27T18:53:00.001+08:00

"Bad luck.. or just outright stupid?"

The phrase that's summed up the last couple of days. I'd say I'm disappointed, but I saw it coming. Now, people are going to judge you and hate you for who you are. They're either jealous of you, or just insecure of their little fucked up lives. I'd say both, but that'd be too nice. You see, there are people you see in the movies are just so despicable, so sick and nasty you would never have expected to actually meet someone like that in reality living, breathing, fucking other peoples' lives up.

Now I don't give a fuck if this is going to offend anybody, hell, I've got nothing to lose anymore. Again, you see, I've been screwed over. My first instinct was to land a left hook on the said person's face, but that wouldn't be politically correct. Then I thought: revenge is only going to get me temporary satisfaction, so why do that? Now if you're someone I know or just a random reader, you're probably wondering, "What the hell is up with this guy?". I don't give a damn what you feel *cough* sorry, just kidding. Anyway, all I want to do right now is speak my mind. So let us start!

As I was saying, I've been screwed over. I can't blame anyone for my misfortune though. I'd be getting nowhere if I were just sitting around playing the blame game. I could tell you everything I thought was true, but some people just wouldn't believe it. Either that, or they just wouldn't care. Why? Corruption, that's why! We've all got what we've got like one man's treasure is another man's trash. The question is whether you're grateful, or just taking it for granted.

I think I've taken some people for granted. More or less, they've done the same with me. However, deep inside I know how important someone can really be and I value each and everything I've gotten and possessed up until the point they've disappeared or left. Here's a little question for you: How much do you value someone?

If you really valued someone, they'd come before anything else. Before you believe what another person says about something you valued, you'd question the value itself first. Now, let's put that to a person's perspective. Here's a BIG question for you: If you were me, who would you believe first? A friend you barely know, or a friend who's been there for you through thick and thin? A friend you just met, or a friend you've known for a while? Now, I know what you're thinking. The righteous would say the second option, the idiotic would say the first. Then again, you wouldn't be questioning yourself on decisions like this if you really knew what you valued. Do you see where I'm coming from here? No? Let me elaborate.

I have my own opinion on things. I stand up for myself, and I stand up for what I believe in. It's up to you to believe it or not. Now, referring to a statement I made up there (I mentioned corruption), there will be people in the world who are just so foul they'd manipulate what you've said and turn it against you. The stupid thing would be that you'd actually believe it. Let's say you did. Now apply all this to the BIG question. Would you play into the manipulation, or have faith in what you valued?

Here's what we learned. Don't believe in words you didn't hear yourself. They lead to assumptions and wrong accusations. Most of all, know your right from wrong, be careful who you trust, and before you fall into traps like this, think of what you've got to lose. We all know what we've got, it's just that we all didn't think we'd lose it, that's why we take some things for granted. Those things we took for granted in the end? They could have been true, but you chose to believe the lie instead because you didn't stop and think. When you finally realize you've fucked up, it'll have been too late.

You're going to regret this.

not an answer to be heard.

2011-11-02T21:40:00.000+08:00

---

I haven't been blogging, I know. I'd much rather be asleep right now, but I'm starting to think that'd be a waste of time now that I've suddenly got an urge to just type and type whatever comes to mind as I type. It's also been a while since I've been hit with inspiration but life's being doing just fine without it. I've been losing the motivation to go to school. Hell, I'm even starting to think that's a good thing. With all the corruption surrounding the Philippines, I'm much better off at home. Oh God, I miss home.

There are so many places I could call home, but there's only one place I could actually consider home. It's still far too difficult to refer to it as home like it's always been but it's always been one to me whether or not I consider it as one.

I miss the purple buses I know like the back of my hand, going around the country that would be impossible for me to get lost in. I miss staying up all night and sleeping all day, being sugar high on rainy days and caffeine high on sunny days. I miss the fresh air from the many trees around the city, the food and delicacies prepared in a way you'd never find anywhere else in the world, the peace and sense of boredom you'd only find in Brunei.

This is where the photo above comes in.

"Think about what happened a year ago today. You probably can't even remember. Everything that seems important now won't be anymore."

I've never really thought about it much until now, but my priorities have changed completely and it's true. What used to be so important isn't the slightest bit significant to me now. I'm trying to recall what used to be so important to me but I just can't seem to. Most of them seem to have just been erased with only small traces left behind, while there are some that are still insignificantly etched in my mind. After hours of contemplating, I think I've got it... Or at least some of what it used to be.

I think it'd be far too personal for me to mention what used to be important and what's important to me now, but I'd be happy to mention one very big aspect of the things I've considered important: My friends.

Most of the people I considered important 12 months ago aren't the same people I consider important now. I'm sorry if it offends anybody, but that's just how things are. Things change so much it hurts to realize things like this. You can never be content with what you've got and before you know it, what you've got is completely different from what you used to have.

I hate disappointing anybody, but sometimes it takes a whole lot of effort to stay in someone's life. People will come and go, fall in and out of our lives and all we can do is accept it. Be grateful for the ones you've got while they're still there, because you never know when they won't be around anymore. You can't expect to stay in someone's life effortlessly. Regardless of that, it's been said that if someone leaves your life, it only means their chapter is over... That it's time for a new one.

Some people know that all too well, but most can't help but expect to stay important. Expectations only lead to disappointment, so don't be surprised if you're disappointed by your expectations because of the lack of effort. We're all lazy in general, so effort actually shows a hint of what's important to us. Now, if we're not important to someone, why should they? That pretty much explains it.

fragile.

2011-09-25T22:32:00.001+08:00

Love. It's the ability to move around and adapt with the flaws and mistakes of someone special, accepting them for who they are and still want to be with them regardless all those flaws. To accomplish that is love because love is an action, not a feeling.

baby doll.

2011-09-23T21:37:00.000+08:00

‎2 ∞ & ↑

Don’t follow something you really mean with “just kidding” to make things less awkward. Make things awkward. Make someone stand there fidgeting without knowing what to say. Because no matter how they react, you put yourself out there. Laid it on the table. Poured out your soul.

hati sejati.

2011-09-22T23:44:00.000+08:00

I'd be asleep by now if it weren't for this woman. She goes by many names, but she's Mae to me. She's got a lot of 'spunk' for such a fragile human being, but that's what makes her stand out in my opinion. If you aren't acquainted with her, you would never know just how badass she could be. I'm going to start this post off by how I met such a pretty girl. It was a dark and stormy evening (not really) when I received an anonymous message. A couple of messages later and the rest was history. Yes, just like that. Actually, it doesn't end there. From that point onwards, she was the person I'd somehow end up having a conversation with every night.

Conversations with her are never dull, in my own honest opinion. Why, you ask? It's because there's always something new to talk about with her. She's the kind of girl who knows just how to keep me entertained being someone who gets bored fast. Most of the time, we just end up debating on who's more awesome than who or who's the better person, but our conversations aren't shallow and pointless like most. I learn a lot from her in one way or the other, which is why I find her so interesting.

Aside from being interesting, she intimidates me. All she has to do is raise an eyebrow at you and give you this 'look' and you know you're screwed if you were to try anything funny. Unlike most, she isn't the kind who'd be intimidated by me. Maybe not because she isn't scared, but because she's just really, really fragile inside. As she can be really sensitive, the slightest comment could either make her or break her on certain occasions. I've always said that whenever there's someone or something fragile around, there is nothing else you must do but to handle said thing or person with tender loving care.

Speaking of TLC, she's really feminine too. Like, really. She always flicks her hair around and walks around with her arms sticking out in a posh manner swirling 'em around. I don't know why, but I'm going to guess it's a girl thing. Going back to her sensitive side, she's scared of getting hurt (who isn't anyway?) and making mistakes. I like her just the way she is, but if there was one way she'd be even better, it'd be the fact that she should just stop holding herself back with fear most of the time.

I could go on talking about her, but some things are better left unsaid (either that or it's because there are some things I want to keep just between me and her, it's more special that way). She asked for me to make a post about her, and she got it. A pretty girl like her looks at the world full of faith, restricted by her own fear and self-imposed rules. I've got a long line of things to say but I'll leave it at: You amaze me.

"Be satisfied with what you have."

- Mae.

don't you think we ought to have learned by now?

2011-09-19T21:18:00.000+08:00

It's nothing, really. Ho hum, what's new? It's not like I didn't see it coming. I did. I fucking did.

What pisses me off is that even though I did, I just didn't listen to myself. Stubborn idiot.

I think it's time I started listening to that voice of reason inside my head. You know the problem with people who pick the heart over the mind? They tend to fuck up, crash and burn harder than anyone else.

It's no big deal, at least I think so. Attachments are weaknesses, and those are things that are not worth having.

I'm at a loss for words.

The voice inside my head isn't.

I guess it's time I went to sleep.

Goodnight.

it's not the first time, but this one really carved it in.

2011-09-15T22:55:00.000+08:00

I just absolutely hate waiting. Call me impatient, but I just don't see any productivity in waiting for anything or anyone. They say that patience is a virtue, and that it takes one hell of a person to wait for something. When waiting for someone or something, there's a fine line between 'one hell of a person' and 'one hell of an idiot'. You're one hell of a person when you do the waiting the right way, and one hell of an idiot when you do it wrong.

Now, let's explore. What does waiting do for us aside from teach us to be patient and completely waste our time? A lot of hopeless romantics (I would call myself one, but I'm against waiting) would say that anyone can tell someone they love him or her, but it takes someone really awesome to actually wait and prove it's true. I say, to hell with that! You can wait and prove it's true, but in all honesty, the people worth waiting for are the ones who wouldn't let you wait for even a second. Am I right, or am I right?

Now that I've completely destroyed that quote, what else is there to contradict about waiting? Oh, I know. The 'wastes our time' part. Of course, there are benefits in waiting, like um, learning about patience. Yes, having patience is nice and all, I've got to admit that but when you wait, you also waste time in a way. Why wait for something when you could be doing something more productive? Why sit and wait for someone, when there's an infinite supply of everything for you out there in the world? I mean, who knows. You could be waiting for someone or something, when at that given moment, you could have been going places or gaining things, going further and moving forward.

No, I'm not the kind of person who's patient. I get bored easily, but I'm pretty sure a couple of posts back, I said that "I was one hell of a patient person". See how worthless waiting is? People change, everything changes. The only thing that's permanent in the world is change. You could be patient now and be the complete opposite later, but what's the point? It's been proven that time waits for no man, so why waste your time waiting? I guess it's the fact that each and everyone of us has a different perspective about waiting, and each of us has our own limits here and there when it comes to that.

Actually, anyone can wait for anything. The only thing we're all ever scared of is whether or not the wait will be worth it in the end. You could be madly in love with someone at that moment and completely convince yourself that you could wait a lifetime for them, when the harsh truth is that your mind could change at any given moment at any given time. Since we're all so scared about what's worth waiting for and what isn't, we end up letting the time slip past us. That in turn causes us to miss a whole lot of different opportunities, good and bad.

A quote I could actually agree on is the one that goes "Do not wait for the perfect moment, take a moment and make it perfect." That, ladies and gentlemen, is truth. We human beings never get satisfied, and that just causes the worst kind of effect on people who actually wait. They just wait and wait for that moment, but since the said person is human, he will never get satisfied or reached the peak of complacency and finally admit that a said moment is deemed absolutely perfect. Long story short, why wait when you could take it right now?

It's right there in front of you, why pull someone's strings and make them wait? So that they could prove they're true? Well, that's unfair. Sometimes, you just need to jump in and take the risk, fuck the waiting. Grab every opportunity you can before they disappear out of your reach, because once they're gone, they may never come back. See how much of a waste that is? Oh, and remember what I said about how everyone has got their own limit? You will never know when enough is enough and how long you can keep going because you could be a second away from believing they're true, when they're one second advanced in coming to the conclusion that you're just wasting their time.

People have got to realize that. That you can gain just as much as you can lose just by seizing the moment or waiting endlessly. Waiting makes absolutely no progress, that's why it's called waiting... And with lifespans as short as ours, I sure as hell don't have any time to waste. Everything moves forward, no matter how slow, no matter how short, all we've got to do is keep up. Take that extra step, one step at a time. Why wait when you could be more than you already are? Why lag behind for something when everything is advancing? People mistake waiting as something positive only because they apply impatience with something negative like fear, therefore in the end, it fucks the whole system up.

In all honesty, all I really wanted to do was completely destroy that 'wait and prove it's true' shit because I think it's full of shit, but I think I've accomplished a whole lot more than that. Never let anyone let you wait. Do what you want. Always dictate the pace. Keep up or eat dust. I repeat, nobody's worth waiting for, because the ones worth waiting for won't let you wait.

iguguhit kita sa alaala.

2011-08-15T22:19:00.001+08:00

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-questions-you-need-to-ask-to-avoid-ruining-your-life/

Dead on.

i'll give it hell.

2011-08-03T18:11:00.005+08:00

You could be the most beautiful girl in the world.

But your beauty means nothing when you're just full of shit inside.

There is, however, bittersweet irony to that fact.

You could have the most beautiful soul in the world.

But beauty means nothing when you've got nothing to show outside.

Humanity is absolutely beautiful in so many ways. There are so many ways to show just how beautiful each and every human being is. That isn't the case most of the time though. In harsh reality, humanity nearly always overlooks the beauty just sitting right in front of them. Of course, most of the time 'real' beauty is rarely seen because it's never visible on the outside except for rare moments.

The beauty everyone cares about nowadays is image, appearance, and/or physical attributes. Whatever happened to the beauty inside a person? I don't know, life's just unfair that way. Why? That's because metaphorically speaking, nobody ever stops to smell the flowers anymore. Now, why is that? Well, because nobody would give a damn about the smell of a flower if the flower doesn't look good in the first place.

In all honesty, would you want to take some time and effort to get to know someone who's physically ugly just to find out just how beautiful they are inside? No, of course not. Humanity today just wouldn't give a damn. I wouldn't either, unless of course fate makes it happen. Just like how every other person in the world would be. The ugliest of people know the true value of beauty, just like how the weakest of people know how valuable it really is to be strong.

In conclusion, This is how harsh reality is:

Nobody would give a shit about how beautiful you are on the inside if you don't look the slightest bit pretty on the outside. Nobody would take the time to do so unless you had looks. That's how important appearance was, is, and will be. That's what we are. Why the hell bother? Exactly.

it comes and goes like the strength in your bones.

2011-07-27T07:18:00.002+08:00

Life's been so busy. You know that feeling you get when you've got so much to do, and you just want to do all of it, and there's just not enough time to do any of it? Yeah, I've got to go through that everyday. I've got lots of stuff to do, and it's going good.

I'm campaigning to get in the SDB. I'm in this U-Speak Party, and I'm running for auditor. I just hope all the damn English I speak won't make the voters go crazy. I cause excessive nose bleeds all around the school because my English is fuckin' awesome. Yeah.

All the schoolwork, homework, this and that. Yeah, I've got that to worry about too. As far as I can remember, I've got three sets of homework due by tomorrow and more campaigning the same day. I can't forget boxing as well, I do this all for the sake of boxing. And music, oh God my guitar and the singing and the practicing just to get better too. Life is hectic.

I've got it all under control though, nothing to worry about. I'm Superman.

I'd make a really nice, long post but I don't have school today 'cause of the incoming storm. I'm going back to sleep, I've got plans after lunch, rain or shine.

traces.

2011-07-18T21:47:00.005+08:00

Hey, what's new? Remember me?

How are you holding up?

Here I am, screaming at the wind, hoping for answers, hoping for you.

Was it that easy to leave behind and forget?

Was I that easy to leave behind and forget?

It's as if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.

It's as if none of it ever did.

Will we cross paths again?

I can only hope.

Every song I sing is still yours.

Why aren't you here to listen anymore?

I miss you, still.

I hold on, still.

ku yakin inilah waktunya.

2011-07-17T10:55:00.003+08:00

wherefore art thou? :(

admittedly, subliminally.

2011-07-15T21:19:00.005+08:00

For as long as I can remember, I've always believed that it's better to speak your mind and be straightforward than to just sugar coat everything with sympathy. As far as I know, sympathy never got you anything or anywhere except for self satisfaction, self pity. People get used to sympathy. It's just life. Sympathy is just a nicer way of saying someone feels bad about you. I don't know, it's just how I think.

Aside from that, I've also always thought that it's better to speak the harsh truth than to cover everything up with lies. A vast majority of people are just far too scared to face the truth, to face reality. It's going to hurt, but there's no gain without pain. If you can't face the harshness of life itself, then how the hell do you expect to survive?

Covering yourself up with lies to protect yourself from getting hurt is just pathetic. Sugarcoating yourself with sympathy doesn't make anything any better either. It just wastes your time. All these 'defense mechanisms' to protect yourself? All this negativity you surround yourself in? Don't waste your time.

Hah, I know I've talked about and posted about this before... But for someone like me, it's going to be something I need to face each and everyday. Entering a completely different lifestyle and culture, it's a fact that it shouldn't be them who should adjust to me but me who should adjust to them as unfair as it is (Although it'd be so much better if it were the other way around).

I have a habit to speak my mind and not realize I'm already hurting others with what I'm saying. As harsh as that is, that is who I am. I'm not going to change for anyone around here because I'm just not sensitive that way. I just don't care. It's so hard to live in a mindset where you can find nobody around you who can understand you, what more be able to be on level with what you're thinking of or talking about.

It's unfair, but it's the harsh truth, and like everyone out there, the harsh truth is something I've got to face too.

when the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound.

2011-07-14T20:32:00.008+08:00

'tis another 14th of July. How fast time flies.

I just can't move forward without taking two steps back.

Preliminaries are going on and I've been on edge since it's started.

School's great nonetheless. Being with people my age makes things worthwhile.

I've got 3 papers left before this thing ends.

Then it's back to normal. Prelims are fun.

Life's good, but still incomplete.

It's a long way to infinity.

while the image of you shatters and fades away, i still scramble to pick up the pieces.

2011-07-09T10:11:00.005+08:00

There's roughly 7 billion people in the world. Roughly 3.5 billion of that are the women. There are so many women... So many different kinds of women. No, I don't wanna talk about all 3.5 billion of them, I just want to talk about ones I've seen or met from my point of view. Don't judge me from what I'm about to talk about, I know I'm bashing on some women and I sure as hell know not all of you are like this, but hey, you wouldn't be offended if you weren't one of them.

I've gotten to know quite a number of women in school in the very short time I've been there. I'm not naming fingers or pointing names, I'm just speaking in general that some girls are... well, evil in a way. Some girls are like bad habits. In tagalog, we call it 'bisyo'. Like smoking or drinking, they'll give you satisfaction, they'll make you feel good... But in the long run, they'll trip you up, they'll steer you wrong, and they will hurt you bad. Worst of all, you just can't help but keep coming back 'cause they make you feel good, 'cause you think you're happy and satisfied.. 'cause you're addicted.

These kinds of women, stay VERY far away from them. They're just going to use you, take advantage of you, and when they're done using the hell out of you, they're just going to disappear and forget you even exist. They are not going to feel bad about it, because they get what they wanted out of you,so it's a lose-lose situation for us men. Now, seeing just how many women are like this in school just scares me. You can trust no one but yourself when it comes down to who you're friends with, so pick your friends... And choose wisely.

There are other kinds of girls too. Some of them are quiet, kind, mysterious... But most of the time just plain clueless. There are some who are loud, obnoxious, and attention seeking... but all that aside they're just really dim. There are also those who are in every aspect nice to you... until you have your back turned. Some who just plain look down on you, some who just think they're far better than anyone else, some who just always need to be in the spotlight, some who just gossip till their asses fall off, some who have no asses, some who are not even worth talking to because of their bitch attitude.

This is the worst aspect you could possibly see in a woman, and not all of them are like that, but hell, there are only a handful who aren't. When you get one who isn't... Well, evil in general, don't let her go, because they're the ones who are just worth your time be it friend, special someone or family. The point of this post is that no matter how horrible you think someone is, be nice anyway... Just be on guard, and don't let them take advantage of you. There is never a good reason to be bad, nor is there ever a good reason to not be nice to someone.

Now with all this on women, I wouldn't say men are any different. We're all just as bad as everyone is, not one of us here is 'clean'. Not anymore.

---

I've gotten out of shape, mainly because I've been sick for weeks now, and it only got worse a couple of days ago. I want so badly to get back to boxing, but I can't until I get rid of the sickness. I don't get sick easily, I'm pretty sure of that... But when I do get sick, it's pretty bad most of the time. As of right now, I've gotten better, but the headache's still there. Aside from that, I've been doing better than usual everywhere else over the last couple of weeks. A little complacency would be nice, but I just don't feel anywhere near satisfied yet.

do you feel like every song is still yours?

2011-07-04T20:43:00.003+08:00

I feel much better now. So much better in fact I think I may be ready to get back to boxing after stopping for... 4 days. That's a pretty long time for me okay! The weather's been really nice to me nowadays as well. Not too hot, not too cold either.. I guess everything's just been falling to place. I don't know about some people but I think I'm going to enjoy college a little bit more than other people have expected. STI Las Piñas Got Talent Auditions are tomorrow. After much contemplation, I've decided that I WANT to join the Singing Idol portion of the thing. I hope I get through those auditions alright, I don't know how these things go except the fact that I'm supposed to sing in front of some people and get judged.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. I miss so badly those days that always ended with you.

you're the only light i think i ever saw.

2011-07-02T22:51:00.004+08:00

I'm feeling really sick. I've got a cough that feels like it could turn me inside out, a dripping flu on the side and a headache mixed with some fever in between. They say I'm suffering from fatigue. Too much work, too little rest. I guess that's what happened. The last two weeks have been great to be quite honest.

School's going fine, everything from work to friends are new and it's put some new light into life, which is all good. I've only been in school for a week, and so much for first impressions, I take all that back. My class is pretty good. Aside from life in college, life at home is going fine too. I'd have to say life is going quite well, but now there's just far too many things to do, and far too little time to do it all. For now, it's just one step at a time.

New things are coming in, but old things just don't seem to want to come out.

It's been ages, but I'm not changing. I still don't think I want to.

One step at a time.

complacency.

2011-06-26T21:37:00.003+08:00

I have lost my composure. I need to get back into focus.

i may be away, but never gone.

2011-06-26T00:49:00.006+08:00

Have you ever watched the news, rode the bus and looked out the window, or walked down the street and looked at other people? Not just look and acknowledge they're there, but look in a way that you're examining every aspect of who they are from your point of view. A really horrible thing to do is to look down on others. I was on the bus headed home when I watched the news and saw the situation other people were in after the storm, flooded or not. It looked so depressing to see so much suffering and despair from other people. Just because people are in a more unfortunate situation compared to us doesn't mean they're any lesser of a human being than we are.

It didn't look nice. At all. Some help the less fortunate without thinking twice, and some don't even look twice and act like nothing's happening. There's a fine line between generous and human doormat slash pushover. Some people are just really that generous and sympathetic towards others, it's something that others take advantage of. Have you ever thought that some people are just that sympathetic and giving to people who don't have what they have? Some people don't like it.

It's wrong to feel bad or feel pity for another because their issues and dilemmas are not supposed to be yours to deal with, it's theirs... But that doesn't mean you only help people out of pity. There shouldn't be a reason behind why you give and help others, you should just do so as an act of selflessness. We're all naturally selfish, there are those times I know. It's just that because of that, some people mistake most acts of generosity and selflessness for acts of pity or being condescended.

Everyone's got their own sense of pride, after all, one of the hardest things for us human beings to do is admit we need help. I'll admit, I'd rather do things myself and make mistakes along the way, than asking another for help and getting it done right the first time. I mean, where's the lesson there? In my own honest opinion, you just don't get anything productive out of help except for getting the easy way out of things.

I don't know where this post is going. Maybe it's just me venting my frustrations to be heard, or just a compilation of my point of view on certain things, or just random babbling. I feel sorry for the people who are suffering because of the flood, I feel annoyed at the people who just don't care about the unfortunate, and I'm angry at myself, feeling as if I'm just not doing anything productive even though I know I am doing so one way or the other.

It just feels so empty sometimes, y'know?

inner light, under star.

2011-06-21T21:31:00.007+08:00

The first day of college was pretty good. Finally getting my chance to stick around with people in my age group has done some good... and some bad throughout the day. My first impression of my class and school life 'to be' wasn't what I expected. I didn't really expect much, but it went better than I thought it would have. Everyone's got their own group of friends, while I'm the social outcast sitting around waiting for class to start and end. I don't mind, I don't have to deal with any bullshit from anyone except for my own.

I'd be lying if I said I liked my class. I found most of them fucking annoying, attention seeking, inconsiderate and exceedingly arrogant.. But who am I to judge? It's only been a day. I guess we'll see how things go after a month or so. I've got uniforms and all that already, so I guess it's time I adapt for real. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it was fucking hilarious. Aside from my instructor calling prosthetic limbs "a prostesic" and a few classmates trying so hard to speak fancy English, they've got good senses of humor. Let's see how I do after a month. :)

~~~

Okay, I'm in the mood for some cheese. Here's something I came up with as I went along with it:

I could sit around and sing songs about you and me all day. I could talk and rant about you forever and a day to anyone who'd give me a chance. The first and last thing on my mind would be all you, just wondering how you are. Thinking, if we took a different step somewhere before all this, would we have been any different than how we are now? Hoping, you'll hear my calls for you to come back. Having faith, that through all the distance standing in between, you're still somewhere out there with me on your mind, and in your heart. I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you I was fine with everything going down, but I'd be lying to myself if I told you I don't love you anymore.

I'm still on my feet, are you? I just thought you should know.

That's enough for now. Speak and be heard, fear will only hold us back.

remembering sunday.

2011-06-20T21:59:00.003+08:00

"Forgiveness is a quality of the strong because the weak cannot bear to forgive."

If you think logically, that quote is pretty accurate. Forgiveness involves doing a lot of things, that's why only the strong can manage to do it. To forgive another, you should first accept the fact that you're wrong. You need to have the balls to admit it and accept defeat. Next, you've got to acknowledge your mistakes. Then, you have to take responsibility for your actions. You need to take action, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

Believe me, it's easier said than done. Holding a grudge on someone will only make you feel worse as it is, so forgive and move the fuck on. However, forgiving does not always mean you're the one at fault. That's why there's the word "for" and the word "give" in it. You give way for someone else. Be the bigger person, you don't have to win everything to be a winner, you've already won if you think so.

In tagalog, we say 'pagpasensyahan'. In malay, we say 'memaafkan'. You don't need anyone else's approval to forgive, you just need your own peace of mind. You don't need any material things to forgive, you just need to have a heart. There are people who are really forgiving, but being forgiving does not mean they're doormats and pushovers you can take advantage of. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive because forgiveness is strength, but another thing even harder to do is forgiving yourself.

Before you can forgive another, you've got to first know how to forgive yourself. Accept and take responsibilities of your flaws and let it go, move forward. You'll be at peace with yourself, and you don't need anyone else but you to do that.

Be strong. Be forgiving. You're way ahead.

you've no clue what you do.

2011-06-20T11:53:00.007+08:00

I was supposed to leave to go boxing 5 minutes ago. The rain decided to kick in 5 minutes ago.

I'm waiting for my wraps to dry and the rain to stop long enough for me to walk to the gym.

Y'know, I think I might as well wait for lunch too.

~~~

I was on last night reading my friends' blogs. I like going through their archives and looking back at how and what they used to talk about and be like, to how and what they are now. Things change too much, too fast. I did the same thing to my blog. Back then I'd be talking about games, hangouts with friends and cheesy or funny stuff I find interesting. Now, I'd be ranting about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, the good, the bad and everything in between.

What I did after that? I deleted it all. My posts back then to my posts now still have a slight similarity in them, but majority of it is just far too different, something I wouldn't call me anymore. I'm proud of how much I've grown compared to before. I feel so much more... Aware. Aware of all the shit around me, and all the shit inside me. You gotta enjoy things like that, it's interesting really.

What I don't get is that whenever someone has a blog, I do not see why they need to put it in private settings. To me, a blog is something you can use to speak out. To be heard. You don't trap everything you say and feel into a box, you'll waste all the color in your words. Let it free, don't be afraid of what others will think or the criticism you're going to get. Nobody thinks like you so be proud of what you think. You're going to get hit by negativity and criticism every now and again, you've just got to take things as they come and take it to your advantage. Why waste all that good thinking and cover it up from everyone hm?

It'd be understandable if it were really private, but things like that aren't things most would blog about unless they've got the balls to do it. People have journals for that. Then again, I wouldn't want my whole life being read and understood by another. I don't want to be an easy-read. I want to be something people just can't figure out, someone hard to crack. I don't want people to know what makes me tick. That's for me to know and you people to find out, capisce?

Yes, blogging is showing bits and pieces of me and what makes me tick, but that's only a small fraction of who I am. That doesn't mean you're uncovering all of me bit by bit by just reading post after post. Tough luck, bro.

~~~

The rain's stopped. Lunch's nearly done. My wraps are dry. Boxing soon, I'll blog again later.

Here's something to think about for the day:

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

tell me i'm a wreck.

2011-06-18T23:08:00.004+08:00

Some people are assholes. I sat with an autistic guy on the bus on the way back from an outing by myself. Two guys laughed at him. Making fun of him, y'know. He saw me holding a cake, then told me he was claustrophobic. First thing I said was, 'why did you ride a bus in the first place?' ... Followed by 'Be careful, I hope you know where you're supposed to go down'.

He was a twitchy character. He rocked back and forth in his seat and he couldn't stop fiddling with anything he owned on the bus. He was becoming pretty violent and pushy being claustrophobic and all, but I guess it was fine. He just wanted to get home. He got off eventually, was glad for him.

There are a lot of autistic people in the world. They have special needs, and they didn't have a choice. It's not like they wanted to be like that when they were born. Being autistic does not make someone any different from anybody else in the world. Just because one seems bad on the outside doesn't mean he's bad on the inside too. Have a heart for these people, because they have one too.

we were just kids in love.

2011-06-18T21:57:00.003+08:00

My first day as a college freshman starts in about 3 days. Oh man, I'm going to miss being a bum. It's actually a good thing that I won't be bumming around anymore though. It's time I started doing something productive for myself after being a genuine bum for the last 6 months. Just imagine, 6 months. Bumming around the Philippines. Just where has all the time gone?

As much as I'm going to miss bumming, I've got to start adjusting to my schedule, routines and all that starting tomorrow at least. I've got half my uniforms (Well, the pants are XL sized and they still don't fit me. Now because of that, Lola thinks the people who study there are probably pygmies) and no books or anything school related whatsoever. I just don't know how I'm going to get through the first day. I don't care though, it's just that I hate awkwardness. It disturbs me.

Aside from settling most of my business with school, I went out to have one last she-bang before I start school. I went to ATC to watch Super 8, and get a cake from DQ using gift certificates. The movie was pretty good, I enjoyed it. There were those really funny scenes, good actions sequences along with some tear jerkers. It just wasn't enough to "move" me though. Before the movie started, I looked like a complete slob having a bag of popcorn so big I had to hug it with one arm to carry it around, and a HUGE cup of iced tea bigger than my forearm.

Life's been good to me the last couple of days. Better than usual actually. That may be so but I'm taking things one step at a time, nobody's chasing me so I've no reason to rush. A new chapter of my life starts soon, I wonder what's in store..

we're like fire and gasoline.

2011-06-15T22:34:00.003+08:00

Y'know, sometimes I just do not get it. Although it has absolutely nothing to do with me, I find people who are just so overly... mushy with people they 'love' utterly disgusting. I know I shouldn't meddle with other people's business nor should I bash their interests just because I think it's fucking stupid, hilarious and nasty all at the same time on my end, but it just weirds me out y'know?

Here I was, doing my thing online (lurking and just creeping in and out of pages) when I decided to check up on my Facebook. I had a look at my notifications to see 2 game requests which I ignored. My attention then went to the news feed, where the top stories were things I've already seen so I thought I'd look at what's been most recent in my news feed (I nearly typed food. I must be hungry) and there I saw it.

A "friend" of mine (to be quite honest, I haven't the slightest clue who the fuck the person is. Hahahaha) was spamming the crap out of Facebook with the lamest cheesiest ass quotes in the world onto his status... Every minute. At first I thought, 'why the hell am I even friends with this guy?' before rolling my eyes like there was no tomorrow.

To be honest, I was like that before. REALLY, really like that (eh). I can get REALLY cheesy and mushy at times, but I AT LEAST NOW don't overdo it. Y'know that famous saying: 'too much is NEVER a good thing' ... Yeah, well that applies to this too. I mean, it's nice and all showing all your love and affection to your 'persona especial' and there's nothing wrong with that but for the love of God, please calm the fuck down, it's not like you're married already.

A little affection to someone special every now and again is nice, just don't overdo it. Be it a subliminal message, or a simple sentence and whatnot. It gets old, and that's what some people don't realize when they do shit too much. In the end, they'll just take all that shit for granted. You don't just say things like that. Things like that are important, valuable, and really fucking awesome. To overuse it just loses its meaning and value.

Would you rather have someone that just tells you they love you every 5 minutes, or have someone that shows you rarely, but makes each and every one of it special and valuable? That's why it disgusts me to see people that are this way. They just don't know the true value of such things.

Now tell me, just how much are you worth?

take me back to the sleepless nights, the stupid fights.

2011-06-14T20:55:00.005+08:00

"Just don't forget this, we won't regret this. We've got one chance to get it right."
- The Maine (We All Roll Along)

It's already June 14th, time flies so fucking fast now doesn't it? It's as if it was only yesterday that... Yeah. One can only look back so many times to the days that have passed. An important somebody once told me that frustration is a feeling where you can't accept the fact that you weren't able to do something. You end up annoyed or angry, somewhere along those lines.

I know I said I've lost my frustration already, but I don't think that was very accurate. I think I only meant to say that my frustration disappeared during those moments. I have to figure out what's frustrating my ass. Truth be told, I already know what's frustrating me, I just don't want to admit it. I just don't want to face that.

I'm going to settle my business with school tomorrow so that maybe, hopefully I can start school by next week. I don't know what to expect with school here in the Philippines. I've been so used to the sleeping habit in Brunei that I'm afraid I might just do the same here. I'd walk in, go to my desk, drop my things and sleep. When a teacher shows up, get up to greet, sit and stare and somehow fall asleep after a bit. Hardworking, no?

I'm not going to lie, I'm one hell of a lazy ass, but when it comes right down to it I really do try my best to study and all... but only when I feel like it. That feeling comes rarely, but I've always managed to get good grades even if I am like that. At least I think so! I don't think anything they teach in school is necessary for me to survive reality, but knowledge is always welcome to enter my head, useful to me or not.

Anyway, going back to topic: Yes, I don't know what to expect. I'm pretty sure school life here is different in every aspect compared to school in Brunei. What's even more different is that this isn't high school anymore. I cannot imagine what the classrooms will be like, the lectures, the classmates, pretty much everything. Being a pessimist, I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. *grin*

Only time will tell what our future holds. What exactly we're destined to do, and all that pizazz. Yeah, only time will tell, but nobody else in the world can shape my future except for me.

The fate of my future is in the balance! I must no- okay, no.

tungsten carbon.

2011-06-12T16:53:00.006+08:00

It's fucking annoying and stupid but at the same time ironic and funny that some people "have no faults or issues with themselves" that to compensate for that, what they do is find a fault in another human being in their lives. Myself, for example. Yet they cause all that mayhem behind my back because their faces are that full of shit to face me in person. I'm tired of that bullshit. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean another person should too.

It's been a pretty quiet day. I've been so exhausted. At least I've lost all the frustrations going around my head. Problems are not caused by others, they're problems only because you think they are. Therefore, it comes from you. I'm pleased to say I've got no problems... At the moment. If you've got a problem with me, then that's your problem. Not mine. So, if there are any issues, please say it to my face instead of cowering behind someone's back or telling another person to do it. I'd be glad to shove your problem up your ass. Thank you.

---

I'm going to Morong in a few hours. I'm thinking of ways to get out of it but it seems much better that I go anyway since I've got stuff waiting for me there aside from work. I think it's about time my routine gets changed for a while. I'll be coming back the next day, but a little change of scenery is nice even if it's just for tonight. I've grown sick and tired of certain things that it's time I take a break from it all. There's always another day, always.

Aaaaaaanyway, I was going around Tumblr when I saw something that reminded me of someone. The very first entry on the very first page right smack on my dashboard:

Fucking hell even Tumblr is taunting me.

A little change of scenery is nice every once in a while. New faces, new image in your head, new things going on inside. It's just that sometimes some sceneries take a long time to change. Some of them don't even change. It's evident that this hasn't.

when we're good, you know we're great.

2011-06-11T17:41:00.003+08:00

By special request, this is for my very beautiful mother.

This is 'Tomorrow' by Chris Young.

Enjoy!

Click HERE to view the cover!

who cares here enough to set us free.

2011-06-11T02:23:00.003+08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7T69EDddKw

FINALLY, it uploaded.

'twas sloppy.

Enjoy it anyway.

I'll upload another tomorrow.

hearts, they don't lie. they just quiver in fear.

2011-06-10T23:04:00.005+08:00

Hello. The reason I have not posted anything recently is because of this damn video I've been trying to upload. I made a cover of Go Radio's House of Hallways, and I just can't seem to put it up. I've been doing it since yesterday. I managed to complete the upload twice, but Blogger just decides to fuck with me and freeze at 100% and not upload. Do you know how frustrating it is to wait 2 hours to reach 100% only to find out it wasn't going to upload anyway?! *sigh*

I'm going to try Youtube now, instead of this.. *excessive swearing* .. Yeah. Hopefully I can get it uploaded in Youtube so I can get it done and over with and finish another cover. I plan on doing Adele's Make You Feel My Love, the one Bob Dylan covered I think. If I don't do that, I'll probably just play a combination of songs by the Eraserheads and mash it all into one whole song just because. The video's currently at 2%.. I'll probably just sleep and check it again at 4AM or something, I don't know.

---

I've gotten lazy. I'm not as determined and enthusiastic compared to how I was a couple of months ago. I don't know why, but most of the time I've just been so grumpy and frustrated. Not only that, it feels as if I've lost my motivation, or any inspiration for that matter. I just don't fucking know how long this will go on but this is surely not healthy. But anyway, let's not talk about that, let's stare at this gif I found on the internet:

Fuck LOGIC. But y'know, sometimes it feels like logic's the one doing the fucking.

On a brighter note, life's been just fine. I can't say it's been bad, but I can't say it's been good either. I'm in the mood for a rant, so I'm going to roughly type down how life's been giving me lemons lately.

The house has been giving me a tense vibe lately. I don't know if it's because everyone's just stressed out with work and all. Honestly, I don't feel like I belong.

I'm pissed off at a certain somebody. I'm not going to mention names, but I am. I have a zero tolerance level for people who are full of shit.

I'm stressing out on school. I haven't enrolled, school's about to start, yaddayadda.

That's not all of it, but I just can't be fucked to talk about anything else. I'm frustrated at so many things, it's unhealthy. Whatever, I'm going to sleep.

half of my heart won't do.

2011-06-08T22:14:00.005+08:00

I've never looked at myself as someone who would end up being a great father. Just today, I thought of what it would be like for me to have one of my own, how I would be and how I'd do. Just a little daydream, nothing specific whatsoever. I came to a conclusion that I wouldn't be a very good one. Why? I get irritated easily.

I have so many bad habits, therefore making me one hell of a bad influence to the young ones. Not only that, my image of a father would be someone strong and fearless and yadda yadda. Hell, just recently a cockroach crawled up my leg in the dark. I screamed my head off and ran out the room. I had my aunt flip my room upside down until it was killed and removed because I couldn't do it myself. She was pretty annoyed at my balls, I on the other hand am still shuddering.

Yes, manly I know. How can I protect my own children from the evils of this world!? COCKROACHES?! Of course I can't really be sure. I guess I'll have to wait until I settle down to find out then. That's going to be a loooooooong time from now. The thought of it was hilarious though. Me, a father. HAH.

---

Today was one of a kind. Instead of being online at 2AM like I said in my last post, I woke up at 5AM to the sound of rain (My bad, the alarm didn't wake me up). It wasn't that loud, but for a heavy sleeper like me, it managed to wake me up. I spent most of the morning doing absolutely nothing while everyone in the house cooked and cleaned pretty much everything. Again. A clean house is clean.

At about 2PM, I gave up doing absolutely doing and decided to go boxing (I ran an errand before I went). It was still raining so I walked to the gym in a jacket and all. I looked like a kid trying to run away from home with all my mismatched clothes (the jacket didn't go with the boxing outfit for the day, and it was cold so... Yeah). I reached the gym soaking wet only to find out that the gym was freezing cold due to the rain. There was hardly any people as usual, which meant I could hog the whole gym.

After 3 hours of sweating (I dried up pretty fast with the cold, it made me fatigued and pissed off), I decided to give up on such a pointless attempt to train and just take a hot shower before heading home. I got home wet, furious at the fact that it cost the damn tricycle 40 pesos just to get me home. Hell, I wouldn't have taken one if it wasn't raining cats and dogs! ... But rain is good. Really good. I like the rain.

After going through with the usual house routine, here I am. It's still raining and it's gotten even worse. I guess that storm warning they gave us was a little too early now wasn't it? Well screw that, I'm enjoying the night online in my room bumming around with a blue electric fan I named Pablo and my guitar whom I have yet to name. Either I've already named my guitar and just completely forgot, or I really haven't named him yet.

It's been a while since I've felt this cold in the Philippines. The only time this ever happens is when I go out bus tripping or hang out with me, myself and I at a cinema or something. Yes sad I know, but it gets me by just fine so no complaints from me.

I'm going to catch up on some sleep and wake up again later or something. I've got this horrible sleeping habit I can't shake off and I'm in the mood to just vent. There are just some things I can't talk about here though. There are things I consider too personal or just too stupid to say to even bother posting here so I'll put up vague hints in each of my posts just to see if anyone cares enough to notice.

Sometimes, I wonder if you're still alive. Logic tells me that there are so many ways to communicate with others that I would have heard from you by now if I even meant something to you. It's either that or faith. Faith tells me otherwise.

Fuck logic, I'm going with faith.

to the low-tech.

2011-06-07T17:33:00.005+08:00

The people of yesterday call our generation 'lucky'. If there was ever a conversation you had with an adult, one of them would probably be about the time where there was no internet, cell phones and what not. How communicating with anybody in the world would be via snail mail, long distance travel or excessive screaming on your balcony to your neighbor. How doing anything back then was relatively harder than it is now. How courting a woman back then was insanely hard to do compared to the women of today.

I thought it'd be nice to talk about my experiences with social networking sites since I've got a whole lot under my belt. I still remember the day I started becoming such a geek with computers. My mum thought it would be nice to make myself an e-mail (I was around 9 or 10 years old). I used it specifically for online games and talking to friends (at 10, yes I know). It's the e-mail I've stuck with ever since.

I remember the day I made a Facebook. While everybody was on Friendster and spamming the shit out of it, I apparently got bored of the daily routine of checking it for the sake of talking to friends and having that stupid status crap going, I was looking for a different website to get sick of. I spotted myspace, which looked freaking disgusting in my opinion, and then I spotted Facebook. When I signed up, I realized that only a handful of my friends had a Facebook. I thought it would be funny to hog the website to myself. I stuck to that ever since.

Going even way back, I remember the day I made a Friendster account. Mum was always a very protective parent, and I was not allowed to do a whole lot of shit in the internet, like download and all. She was afraid some pedophile would add me up on the site or I'd end up seeing porn (Which I didn't, I swear! ... Well, on that site at least. Boys will be boys, shut up). A few of my friends already had Friendster accounts, where I told my mum. She reluctantly gave in and told me I could make one. I still have the account active with all its glory even though I don't use it anymore.

There was also that time where I made a Tumblr account. Back when only a handful of people had one in Brunei, I made one for the sake of stalking a friend of mine and mindfucking her into thinking I was some totally awesome guy she'd fall madly in love with. She "figured out" my intentions a week later and called me stupid for thinking I'd be able to pull it off. I was doomed from the start anyway, she knew my plan before I even started and just played along to mindfuck me instead. I still have the account which I use it daily (I stopped using it for a year or two back then though).

The best memory I have of social networks on the internet would be the day I made a Twitter account. Back then I always thought Twitter was some piece of shit website I would never, ever like. A couple of my friends were already trying to convince me on signing up. I refused and refused and insulted everyone who had one. I even mocked it. I told myself if there was one thing I'd never have in my entire life, it'd be a Twitter account. The next day, I gave up and made one. It's been my whole life since. *sigh*

It's been years, and I've still got them active. I'm such an internet geek. It's only a matter of time until I decide to make a post on the online games I've played which were ju- Actually, I don't wanna go there. Let's leave this as it is.

Oh and if you're a stalker or just plain curious, I've got links to the ones I still use on the sidebar where it says "PROFILE". I don't know how some of you can even overlook that, but just click the word and it'll take you there.

---

I'm going to sleep. If anyone's interested, I'll be on MSN later at around 2-3AM. Send me a friend request if you're interested in having a chat. Yahoo!, AIM or whatever you decide to use, I think it's already possible to inter chat (Use a Yahoo! messenger to chat with someone using an MSN messenger for example).

Either that, or send me an e-mail as a substitute for snail mail or something. I'm just that bored to be honest. School supposedly starts next week and I don't know if I've enrolled or not yet. Whatever, man. Truth be told, I just want attention. Mmmmmmmmm.. Attention.

all i needed was a call that never came.

2011-06-06T21:34:00.004+08:00

I have been spacing out every now and again but I have no solid explanation as to why it's happening. The most plausible conclusion I made for it was because I've been thinking too much again. I feel like I think so much that I just don't even realize I'm thinking, that I don't even know what I'm thinking about anymore.

Things are happening too fast again. It's as if the whole world's spinning faster than normal. Maybe it's just me being sleepy. Let's experiment: I'll sleep now, and wake up again at around 3AM and see if I feel any different. Aaaand.. Out.

---

It's 3.45AM. I feel even worse. This really puts things into perspective. Never think in the middle of the night half conscious and half aware of anything around you.

Then again, I guess this mood/feeling is better than anything else during the day. It's so quiet and peaceful, inside and outside. As if every problem in the world stopped and everyone's all happy and in sync with everything else. Either this is just me thinking in a very introverted way, or I'm just really nocturnal. To put it correctly, maybe everyone's already in sync with everything else and it's just me who's really out of sync here.

All this ranting is making me feel hungry too. Mmmm.. Food. My most favorite food in the whole world is macaroni and chees- Oops, sorry I went out of topic there. Really though, it's my most favorite food in the whole wo- Okay, I'll stop now.

The best thing to describe this mood/feeling is 'tired'. I had a post about this feeling before and I described it as 'something missing'. Yes, maybe I'm just lonely. Or depressed or some shit. Whatever, don't judge me. I'm only human and I'm sure you are too. We all feel a little fucked up sometimes.

To wrap this up, it's a kind of tired that sleep can't fix.

save your breath and i'll talk instead.

2011-06-05T13:54:00.004+08:00

There are people who put up plastic faces. Faces they show to others, faces they want others to believe are genuine. These people are full of shit. To hide the truth is not only lying to others, but lying to yourself. Some people would go to any lengths to prove their plastic face is real, some people even wind up insane believing it's real even when they know deep down it's a complete fake.

I'm not going to hide anything, in my own honest opinion there are just some people in the world that aren't worth being real to. What you see is what you get, and that's what I'm going to give you. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not going to lie if I know inside that I like it, nor will I just be nice and say that I do even when I know I don't. Of course, that's just me. What about you?

Some call it being heartless, I call it being brutally honest. For example, you are about to be given a cupcake. Would you rather have the one that's bitter but sugar coated with something sweet, or the one that's bitter and nothing else? Don't tell me you won't pick the one with the sugar coating, because a vast majority would do just that.

In all honesty, that's what everyone wants in the world. People who sugar coat them with what they think is nice. Only a select few in the world want to face the bitter reality. Different people put up different kinds of defense mechanisms so they won't get hurt, so they don't have to face the bitterness, so they can get away and escape from reality.

A friend of mine once said, "escaping reality is like escaping the trial meant for you to go through in order to begin your journey of self discovery". The point I'm trying to make is obvious, don't try to escape reality. You're only fooling yourself if you think escaping reality is living. It isn't.

By escaping reality, you're only lying to yourself for not facing the truth, for not facing the fact that what is is what is. You'd be living a lie, hell, you'd be a lie. You'd be putting up a plastic face for everyone to see, because the real you inside that face doesn't want to face what's in front of you. You'd only be trying to convince yourself that a lie is the truth. It's pathetic, it's disgusting, it's fucking stupid.

To know the truth, and cover it up with lies because you don't want to face it... How low can you get? It's like saying you love someone, but holding it back and saying you don't because you're afraid of the truth. You're in denial and murdering a part of your world. What's worse is getting caught in the act. It's not so bad if nobody knows, but once you get caught doing this, every image about you is completely shattered.

All the truths you've said in the past are now moot after what you did, and moving on from that, how can you expect someone to believe what you say anymore? In the end, everything you say and will say will just end up as a doubt, nothing believable anymore. You've done it once, you can do it again. It's all face value from there.

Face reality, don't kill it.

honestly, i have been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me.

2011-06-02T23:23:00.010+08:00

It's been ages since I've done a cover and put it online for people to see. I still play my guitar every chance I get, and I think I've improved quite a bit compared to how I played before. I'll probably upload a cover here and on Youtube instead of Facebook now. I've always thought of the guitar as something really special. In my head, playing a song on the guitar allows me to speak of words I myself cannot utter. I play the songs I play for a reason.

Life's been fine. Nothing special, just fine. I've been spending most of my time cooped up in my room on the laptop waiting for some divine miracle. My emotions the last couple of days have been affecting my actions and the people around me take it the wrong way. It's normal to me, but not to the people around me and for that, I've got to apologize. My moods and actions have been very apathetic but the apathy can't be helped. I'm not angry, or sad, or anything. Okay maybe I am, but whatever, I've just got a lot on my mind.

There's been so much on my mind that I just cannot think of what to talk about here anymore. There's just too many things to talk about, too many things left unsaid, too many things left unfinished, too many things left messy. I just cannot stand it, so I'll sit down. Hah. Y'know what, I think I'll just talk about what I did today.

I have this horrible routine where I'd sleep at around 11PM and wake up at 3AM. At that time, I just sit around staring at the ceiling, listening to music and thinking. Either that or I'd be online looking for something to do until I feel sleepy again. I usually end up falling asleep by 5AM. I end up waking up at 9.30AM, where the day begins. Today, I cleaned up my room, arranged my stuff, fixed my closet and fixed up my overly stuffed wallet.

One thing I've realized is that I keep far too many things for "remembrance". I found top-up cards from Brunei, my gym card, and other old cards that are of no use anymore. I also found a bunch of movie tickets and receipts from here and there. One of them was a receipt for dinner at Karate Kid. It brings back so many things... Good times. So much for that. I placed everything I considered a keepsake in my closet. My wallet's become really skinny.

To be honest, I like keeping things like that. It brings back memories and makes me feel like I've still got what I no longer have. It's depressing I know, but hey, we all do what we can to get by. Over the last couple of days, I've also realized just how much I care for some things. I just care far too much. Well, I already knew that before, but I thought I got rid of the characteristic, or whatever you call it.

I miss a certain people. A certain person to be exact. One last thing I've realized is that my mind still hasn't changed. Stubborn is as stubborn does, and I'm keeping my faith, I've got nothing to lose. This summer's been full of mistakes I just wouldn't learn from.

It's a quiet and rainy 3rd of June. I hope you all are enjoying it.

the things worth saying.

2011-06-01T21:28:00.005+08:00

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
-Albert Einstein

There are quite a number of people I know that just degrade themselves to the level of shit. I don't know why, but I'm guessing some do it for attention. Others would probably do that out of self pity, and the rest probably just felt like it, who knows. I absolutely hate it when I find out someone I know thinks so negatively about themselves. Some people just don't know their worth. I'm not saying I'm not one of them, I have my moments with self pity too. Everyone does.

Yes, crying and wallowing in your own self pity is a good thing sometimes. It helps us remember that this is reality, and we're still alive. To know that we are human after all. Just don't overdo it with the waterworks and the emotional negativity, too much is never a good thing. To think that you aren't just as important and wanted as anyone else around you makes you a complete and total dumb shit.

Wake up, insecurities won't make you feel any better. It only goes one way, and that's if you think you're full of shit, then you probably are. End of story. Everyone's got something inside them that they hate, or maybe just something about themselves that makes them feel bad. So, you have this "disadvantage", who gives a damn? Nobody. Well, maybe you but whatever. You could have a cleft lip for all anyone cares, that doesn't make you any less special from anyone else.

Point is, every single one of us is special in our own way. We can have anything, but we just can't have it all. Everyone's got something nobody else has except for themselves, be grateful for that. Yes, there will always be someone better than you out there and that's understood. If you look at it the right way, that's actually a good thing. I mean, if there was nobody better than you, how can you get better when you already know you're the best?

You are what you eat, from your head to your feet. Feed yourself rubbish and that's what you shall be. Feed yourself awesomeness, that's what you will fucking be.

if i weren't so young, stupid and reckless.

2011-05-31T10:54:00.004+08:00

I had this really good idea for a blog post... But I forgot all about it on the way back home from an outing. I've been fixated on trying to get some time to myself over the last couple of days. Just me and nobody else. It's been quite hard to get that nowadays, but I'm not one to care how hard it is, I just want it. No housework to worry about, nobody to think of, nothing holding me back or caving me in, just me facing reality alone... Even if it's just for a day.

I told myself I'd ride the first bus I saw and take the furthest destination it went to... Okay fine, I didn't really take the first bus I saw but I took the first one that came my way. I'm the kind of person who enjoys really long rides by car, by bus or whatever that's air-conditioned. It gives me a sense of peace in my head, like I'm going somewhere far away to get to where I want to be. I just really fucking hate it when I'm stuck in one place for too long (don't ask how I survived Brunei).

I thought about a lot of things in the bus. Every single day is an adventure and learning experience if you know how to take it in. I ended up seeing so many different kinds of people, eating different things and just plain enjoying me, myself and I. Time flies when you're having fun, no matter how stupid the fun is. I even managed to watch a movie alone with a HUGE bag of popcorn (it was as big as my knapsack) and a HUGE cup of iced tea (it's as tall as my forearm).

I looked like a total slob walking into the cinema by myself carrying all that and a ticket. Just so fucking sick and lifeless! I found that funny, because no matter how disgusting or stupid it looked to others, I just didn't give a damn because I was having a good time. It goes to show just how much bliss you can give yourself if you just didn't give a damn about what anybody thought of you.

It feels good, man. The bus ride back was even greater than the ride going to where I was. There was traffic, rain and good music on my iPod going on. If you take time to enjoy the smallest things, it could mean a lot more to you somehow some way. A lot more than you think. At the end of the day, I got home with a huge grin on my face. I didn't do anything productive, but I felt accomplished in every way.

A little effort and some appreciation for yourself can go a long way. Think it, and it'll be yours.

i'm writing this down, and wishing you well.

2011-05-28T18:43:00.007+08:00

"Seventeen and Invincible"
- Boys Like Girls

Just about a year away from freedom, I still feel indifferent. According to my birth certificate, I am. According to my head, I'm not. It's been stated clearly that the moment I come of age, no matter what stunt I pull or what decision I make, it's solely my responsibility and nobody can tell me off or get pissed or whatever. My life, my shit after all. Then again, that's nice and all but it's a year away.

I'd hate to admit it, but I'm excited for that moment to show up. Being a legal adult, the restraints and bonds from parents and authority figures are broken and the only real authority anyone has on me will be moot. Heck I'll be the only one with authority over myself, how great would that be?

There are still those times where I think twice about this though. As excited as I am, I don't want to rush it. Life's going by just fine although things could be better. Things could always be better, after all a human being's satisfaction is a bottomless pit. I mean, weighing out all the pros and cons, it would mean a lot of different things.

I'd have more responsibilities. I'd be in charge of anything that had to do with me. I'd have obligations that only I will be able to do, and there will certainly be things that just wouldn't fall under the category of awesome once you're an adult. It's fucking scary, that's what it is.

All that aside, things are just always scarier than they seem the first time. The first step is always the hardest. There are still quite a handful of benefits from that too, and who doesn't like benefits? Nobody. I can have a tattoo and no one can say shit to stop me. I can drink, smoke or just plain find something to kill my body in the long run like everyone else does and nobody can stop me. Well, okay that's not something I'd do anyway but that's a benefit.

Not only that, I can eat, drink, and do whatever I fucking want in the world! Wait no, fuck that, UNIVERSE! Come to think of it, I can be with absolutely any girl I desire in the whole world and nobody has the damn authority to stop me from that! HAHA y'know what, adulthood is going to be great when I get there.

But of course, I'm not trying to be a killjoy but this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. Who knows, I may even get to the point of adulthood and still be under the complete authority of Mummy or something. That would be a laugh. BUT NO, I will be a man. More manly than any of those men they made in Mulan to defeat the Huns.

I'd hate to say it, but the older I get, everything I've said in this post just completely contradicts the fact that I want to be young again. (like 4 years old, care-free and innocent) Makes no sense doesn't it? First I said I wanted to get to adulthood, no rush and all... And now I'm saying I want to say forever young. You can call me crazy, but being a kid is just fine for me (this post just doesn't make sense anymore).

At seventeen, this is my imagination of adulthood. I know damn well I'm still a child at heart. Who isn't anyway? To conclude this post, it was fun looking towards the future and how it'd be like when I get there (although some facts stated above have already been confirmed) but I'm fine with right now. I'll live in the moment, and that's just fine by me.

---

I think I'll put a time limit on myself. As of today, if there is no progress after a month or so, I'll forget it and go back to square one. It'd be stupid holding on to something that just isn't going anywhere now, wouldn't it? Progress would mean even a slight bump, a peep, I don't care, just... something from you and it would be enough for now, I guess. It does not matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop. I don't want to do this, but it just isn't healthy for me making no progress whatsoever. This is just so one-sided now.

negativity is an understatement.

2011-05-27T21:40:00.006+08:00

Be warned. This isn't one of my usual blog posts. I'm just not in the mood to fuck around right now. If you're not interested at me ranting about negativity and venting out frustration and anger, do not read this. I will post something 'worthwhile' after this... when I feel like it. Whatever.

---

To know who your friends are, who your REAL friends are... That's not something easy or simply put. A friend is a person who is on good terms with another, whereas in medieval times a friend is someone who is not considered a hostile threat to another. But right now in our time, a friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, one who gives assistance and different virtues such as trust, empathy, understanding, compassion and whatnot.

There are many different kinds of friends. Some who take advantage, some who pretend, and some who manipulate. To find a friend who is genuine, however, is a long shot among them all. When you do find one that fits that bit alone, do not take them for granted. Be proud of the friends you've got, be it an army of them or a just a handful, each one is special you cannot put a price on. Young or old, whatever difference, a friend is a friend.

Many just don't understand that. Most take friends for granted, some even for their own benefit alone thinking only for themselves. The bullshit in that situation is that some acknowledge it and just let it be anyway since some are just really lonely, desperate for attention, or are just really fucking forgiving.

I'm one of them but I know when to put my foot down when things go too far. It just disappoints me far too much to know that there are people in the world I consider friends who have this characteristic. On the up side, I still look at them positively, no matter how bad I know then can steer me wrong. Everyone deserves a second chance.

There are times when things do go too far, and when that happens, I'm not one to forgive. I forgive but I don't forget, and when the time comes that you go too far, I don't give a fuck if you jump off a bridge, I'll only forgive you when I see fit. Everything has consequences, I know that too well. Even after all that, there are still some situations for a stubborn asshole like me to not know exactly when it has become too much.

A friend is a friend, and everyone should know just how to treat something that valuable.

Although everyone deserves a second chance, some just don't deserve it yet.

---

No matter what stunt you pull, a lie is a lie. Like Merlin said: "When a man lies, he murders a part of the world". However you want to put it, a lie will always manage to find a way out. When you lie and another finds out, no matter how hard you try to fix it, the damage would have already been done. You cannot undo a lie. You're doomed from the start, thus you just absolutely under no circumstances cannot end it right once it's started wrong.

Worst of all, if you can lie to a certain person, you sure as hell can do it again to them.

a synthetic sensation.

2011-05-26T21:14:00.005+08:00

So much for a storm. Today was fuckin' hot! I guess that means tomorrow then! I sure hope it's a no show though, I like it when it rains but too much is never a good thing. I've enjoyed the weather the last couple of days due to the fact that it was raining, not too hard or soft, just right. The rain gives me a very soothing feeling of... wanting to go to the toilet. Okay, not really, but yeah it's soothing. It's as if it's washing away all the negativity, to me at least... I'm a very negative and pessimistic person though, there's no doubt about that.

There is one thing I do not like about rain though. When it rains too hard, the bugs go out to play. I'm afraid of bugs okay, maybe not afraid... Terrified, frightened, scared shitless? Somewhere along those lines, but yeah anyway... Just forget I said anything.

---

To be quite honest, I just don't really have anything to blog about today. I know I said I'd put up a long ass post today, but it's not done yet! Well okay fine, I haven't even started yet. I think I'll put it up some other time, there's always tomorrow right? I just talk about whatever comes to mind. Most of the time, whatever I end up blogging about has something to do with something that happened recently or something I find interesting or important.

Dearest reader, if you by any chance want to contact me, send an e-mail, leave a message, make a comment! My e-mail's right there by the sidebar along with the links to my profile on 3 other websites I regularly go to, there's a chatbox below it in case you want to drop a small message (The damn spammers are annoying the fuck out of me though) or something, whatever. It'd be nice to know just who the hell is reading this and what they think.

It'd be nice to hear from certain people.

sunlight, sunshine.

2011-05-26T12:03:00.003+08:00

I shall make a long, ass post later around midnight given the chance. Was at RFC, I bought a block of cheese because I love cheese. Going boxing in a bit before the storm settles in. Chedeng is expected to settle either today, or tomorrow.

Physiological fact:

The human body's response to love are pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate. These are the same responses the body gives off when experiencing deep fear.

ku katakan dengan indah.

2011-05-24T13:25:00.011+08:00

The Rapture didn't go as everyone planned. I'm not bragging or anything but this is the 5th end of the world I've survived to date. What's up? Aside from surviving the end of the world (again), I haven't really done much lately.

I'm usually up till around 4AM with a naps in between (nobody stops me anyway so I can't be fucked to sleep early unless I feel like it. I'll do what I want k) just playing games online or just watching videos and listening to music on Youtube. When 4AM hits, I usually just crash into bed and clean up my mess when I wake up. I don't share a room with anyone anymore so it's cool and all.

Of course there's that shit your pants thrill of someone just randomly peeking into your window at 2AM (huge windows, no curtains) what with all the noises going on outside. There was that one time I freaked myself out thinking my T-shirt hanging on the closet was some dude standing next to me but.. Yeah, let's not talk about that.

I haven't gone out exploring like I usually did ever since I got back from the province. Most of the time, I'd be at home playing bum and annoying the fuck out of everyone in the house with my moodswings. I bet there'll be another one in about 5 minutes. I miss just going out whenever I please enjoying the outside world, I can do that but there is no motivation to anymore. I guess I've gotten used to the Philippines.

That being said, I still do go out every 2 days though. I'd be in the boxing gym 4 times a week at most, but I usually just end up going 3 times a week nowadays. That doesn't count as exploring since it's a routine. I'd go boxing, do the 3 hour routine they give me and go back home.

Back at home, there wouldn't be anything productive to do after dinner. Each and everyone has their own thing, mine would be killing time on the PS2 or just playing the guitar, whatever floats my boat. At the end of each day (4AM for me), I just crash into bed, take a glimpse at my very unused phone and stare at the ceiling for a couple of minutes and "think" till I fall asleep.

Y'know what? Don't think, feel. It may be a very mental universe, but thinking in one will just drive you up the wall. Just feel your way through it all, and take things as they come. I'm not saying thinking is a bad thing, but there's a right time for that. The hardest thing to do in the world is to think and sometimes, some things just aren't cut out for thinking about. In boxing, the moment you try to think of what to do, that's when you lose. A human being can only do so much, thinking and fighting at the same time isn't one of them.

Have you ever loved and thought about it all? If you can think of it, if you can explain it, if you can fucking put it in your head and let people judge what you feel and tell you how they see it, then that isn't love. Love isn't a thought. You can't put love into a thought... But you can feel it.

The love, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever shit they may be, they're yours. Not mine, not anybody else's. Don't let ANYBODY, I don't give a fuck if it's the damn king of the world, nobody has the right to tell you what to think, what to feel, and what to do. To live is the rarest thing in the world, don't let another take that away from you.

The famous latin phrase from the poem of Horace, CARPE DIEM; Seize the day.

I love boxing, making music, playing the guitar and singing my guts out. I love staring at the stars, eating baked macaroni, crying my heart out because it feels good, and laughing my ass off because I can. I bite my nails, I'm afraid of bugs, I have diabetic tendencies and I'm an asshole to strangers. I'm in love with a girl who's older than me, who's so far away, who I can't be with, and I'm in love because I am, I don't know why and I don't need to know why, I just do.

You can think, feel and do whatever you want, it's a free world. To live by another's rules and not your own isn't living; that's living a lie.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't give a rat's ass what others think when it comes to what I want, what I do, and what I feel. It's mine, nobody else's. It's a big universe, make your own damn it.

like we used to.

2011-05-22T07:49:00.003+08:00

HEY GUISE, I WAS LOOKING BACK AT MY PHOTOS AND LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

I eyepicked the ones I found interesting.

I was fuckin' skinny back then, wasn't I? Just look at that! Skin and bones!

My hair was shit long as well.

I miss Brunei.

I have this in my wallet. I miss these two batshit crazy chikas.

Say hello to the little kiddies! This dated back to December.

K THAS IT THANKS GUISE

slipping through my fingers.

2011-05-21T16:31:00.007+08:00

I haven't been able to understand the gut feelings popping in and out of my head over the last couple of days. They just come and go, and usually leave me in a very quiet and easily pissed off mood that should not be. Watching movies just makes me overanalyze things, and I sure as hell am not interested in overanalyzing anything like this right now... I just want it out of my system. I've come to the point that I just have no clue what to do with it. Blogging surely isn't helping like it used to.

I've tried letting it out through the guitar, spazzing out on a video game or just eating it off, but it's like you've got something stuck in your throat that you're dying to get let out, but you just can't find a way to which leads you to for some reason feeling very empty everywhere else. You just can't be fucked to bother doing chores, talk, or anything remotely productive.

It's like you're jumping to reach something, but no matter how hard you try or how high you jump, it's as if it just gets higher and higher and trying just feels worthless after each attempt. Like you want to do something, but something's holding you back. Since you're being held back, you just end up feeling dissatisfied and very.. incomplete. Like something's missing. Then you just... Ah, fuck it.

Credits to foreverisours.tumblr.com

I asked myself If I should keep fighting or not.

At least I know what I'm hoping for.

i have a long line of things to say but i'll leave it at, "you amaze me".

2011-05-20T19:06:00.003+08:00

"Never apologize for what you feel, it's like saying sorry for being real."

Doesn't it annoy you sometimes that it's just beyond your control what with all the rules, obligations, attachments, connections, problems and everything to do with life that we can't always feel what we truly want to feel? Yeah, fucking annoying.

It may be out of respect, or out of keeping the peace and responsibilities intact, but in the end of all that, it just kills you inside to know that what you truly feel inside is being held back by something of higher power and authority to you. What hurts even more is the fact that you can't do shit about it.

As much as you want to, there are things that are just the way they are and that's how they're going to be. You can't do anything about it, because it's just wrong. It's like shattering the center of gravity that keeps your world together. If you thought about it logically, you'd lose in every way. It's like you against the world, the chances of you overcoming the odds are just... shit. No offense.

There are just some things I shouldn't think about.

---

Do you know the feeling of being replaced? The feeling of you thinking just how likely it is for you to be replaced, what more not even knowing if you've already been replaced or not. Harsh shit. I, for one, am stubborn, plain stubborn. Some things can't be helped, they're just the way they are.. And I'm one of those people who can't accept that because I know deep down I could move heaven and hell to get what I want. Fuck yeah.

fallin' apart for fallin' together.

2011-05-20T02:39:00.004+08:00

It's damn near 3AM, and I'm nowhere near close to sleepy. I'm contemplating whether or not to sleep because quite frankly, I can't be fucked to sleep in the first place. In the wee hours of the morning, I am celebrating my 17th birthday in the presence of my laptop, a fan and Mr. Stache. I suddenly got in the mood for a short post, so here we are.

Who knows just how crazy it'll be in the morning given that it is my birthday. I wonder what'll be up and happenin' and all. I intended to go boxing tomorrow, but since I already did today I'm just too damn lazy to go again the following day itself.

Here's what I learned today: Even the greatest things can fall apart. There is just as much chance for the greatest things to fall apart just as there is as much chance for the greatest things to fall together. If life were a coin, it'd be 50-50 so to speak. If there was a 50-50 chance for you to get your dreams in your grasp while at the same time a chance for you to fuck your life up forever, would you take that risk? Would you give yourself a chance to make or break it by hook or by crook?

Most will say they will, but when it comes down to the very moment itself, most just plain chicken out. Some take the greatest things for granted. For example, you've always dreamed of being a ROCKSTAR! The moment you become one, get famous and fulfill the ambition, most would end up thinking: "Can this get better or is this all that there is?" Well, that's a shitty mindset to be honest.

Some people just don't know what they've really got, just how special and valuable it is and all that... Until it's all gone. Do not ever take shit for granted, always be damn sure because who knows just what you could hurt, what you could lose, what you could destroy at the end of your shallowness. Once you get what you want, enjoy it. Cherish it. Fulfill it. Use it to its every capability. If you feel like the love you've got for it is lessening, do whatever it takes to remind yourself, to keep yourself going, because just because you've already gotten what you want doesn't mean that's the end of it. It's just the beginning.

If you can't handle that, then you never really wanted it as much as you thought you did when it comes right down to it. You just haven't got the balls to handle it. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE AWESOMENESS. Shit. Just think of that once you screw up and take something for granted why don't you? Karma's gonna bite your ass. Oh well, lesson learned reader. Impassioned post isn't it?

don't take another day away from me.

2011-05-17T01:54:00.002+08:00

- Via Tumblr

give me a sign.

2011-05-14T03:01:00.006+08:00

My blog is a place where I keep my thoughts and opinions, some memories and reminders, and a SMALL bit of what goes on in my mind for people to see in a form of words. It's all me and there is no other. I like to give, and for my satisfaction, I express myself here. I give myself my own world and my own piece of mind here (Yeah, and people say I don't have my own world). No, I don't suffer from Alexithymia where I have a difficulty expressing feelings to other people, but yes I do have a tendency to have a hard time expressing myself unless if it were in a form of chatting or typing mainly because it just feels all the more simpler and less intense.

You're entitled to judge my sentiments and whatever I put in here according to your point of view, it's yours and yours alone and you can bloody keep it for all I care because I don't give a rat's ass about other people's criticism towards what I think, what came from me, what makes me who I am. There is nothing wrong with what you think, it comes from you, why would you think it's wrong in the first place?

Oh, by the way, the 14th of May was a pretty good day for me. It's 1 minute to the 15th of May, but whatever it's all good. Anyway, my day comprised of video games, mangoes and bananas, lots of lifting and a very worthwhile conversation with a relative. As you can read above, I've been talking about me, myself and I. Vain, self-centered or narcissistic as you may call it, at least I know where I stand. Always remember that you should never judge where you stand from another person's point of view. That's what I've been trying to say, read up. Don't get it? Let me clarify.

You have your life, your shit. Now, if you look at your shit from another person's point of view, wouldn't that make it their opinion of your shit? How would you feel taking someone's opinion of your bowels as your own? Doesn't that make you a photocopy, a fake, a lie? Don't be ashamed of yourself, "You are who you are and that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you" so Dr. Seuss says.

Your life, your shit. It's a universal understanding. If you don't get it, you probably aren't universal or whatever.. Scratch that. I was kidding, that made no sense. Going back to the topic, you should always, ALWAYS believe in yourself. Don't let another person tell you how to live your life, think of it and live it your way. In the end, when everything disappears, there will be nobody standing next to you, just you and your shit (I've really got to stop using shit as a metaphor, sorry).

Referring to my past post: "You don't need anybody or anything apart from yourself to be happy", yes that may be true, but that does not mean you can't have anybody or anything apart from yourself. If another person disagrees with something that has to do with you, or is against something from you, that's their shit, not yours. Don't feel bad now, they can either live with it or shove it up their ass anyway.

Concluding this post, don't let your life depend on another, don't let someone tell you how to live your life, and most of all, believe and you will achieve. It's your way or the highway, go out and live. Oh, and before you judge another person's life and how they're running it, take a good look at yourself first. When your shit becomes someone else's shit, you get into some deep shit so- OKAY I'll stop now. That, dear reader, is another story.

---

A whole month now, three weeks since. I know I'm stubborn, I know I'm still holding on, and I know I haven't given up yet but fuck what other people think, they cannot see what I see nor can they feel what I feel. I'm done thinking of what could have been, I'm thinking of what could be.. What could still be. In the words of Nico SB, an uncle and a brother by heart and blood:

"Believe, man. All you gotta do is believe it's still possible and it will be."

the attraction? i dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

2011-05-09T13:25:00.009+08:00

I'm leaving a ladder full of reasons
Along with a line that starts to blur
Into a page that says you faded away too young.

- Go Radio.

I thought I'd be well over the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I thought I'd be even stronger by now. I thought I would know better and forget about all the mistakes and wrong assumptions, all the reasons and problems I went through. Instead, here I am still dwelling on all the wasted time and effort, thinking of what could've been and what is real to me.

In a span of two weeks, I've learned that everybody is just a branch for you to learn about yourself more. That everybody is literally just another path that crossed yours. Most of all, I've learned that I don't need anybody or anything apart from me, myself and I to be happy. It sounds selfish, narcissistic and biased, but it is the truth. I mean, aren't we all?

Nobody owes nobody nothin'. You owe yourself.

- Rock Balboa (III)

I see things much clearer now than I did before. Knowing everything that I know now makes me feel so disgusted at who I was before. Who I am hates who I've been, just like the song, but like someone taught me, I should just be laughing at that. It's nothing anymore since the past has passed and that at least I know how much better I've changed now.

But just because I don't need anybody or anything to be happy apart from myself, it doesn't mean I can't have anybody or anything. Someone. Something. Maybe it's just me being lonely again. You can move heaven and hell to get what you want, but if what you want, your dreams and your hopes, includes another human being, it is just plain immoral. It's not right.

In other words, you can want all you want, you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything, and you sure as hell can't make someone do the same. Do as you please, but just you. Don't include anybody else.

---

Found this in google a while ago.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

love is like an ocean,
it goes down so deep.
love is like a rose,
whose beauty you want to keep.

love is like a river,
that will never end.
love is like a dove,
with a beautiful message to send.

love is like a song,
that goes on and on forever.
my love is like a prisoner,
it's to you that I surrender.

I miss you, having you around to talk to, have you around to laugh with. Most of all, I miss just being with you. Where has all this gone?

strangers.

2011-05-04T21:14:00.007+08:00

"If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders."

I was lurking around tumblr like I usually did and I stumbled upon a photo that said that. It's been said that no matter what confusion or disagreement you may have between your heart and your mind, in the end the heart always follows the mind. Then I thought, "where is my heart right now?" and funnily enough, it was in my body pumping blood to cir- okay, just kidding. I did actually think of that though.

In my opinion, your heart is never usually with you. Have you ever noticed that every time someone mentions "your heart", your mind wanders to a certain somebody in an instant? It's either that or it wanders to the deepest pool of your desires. That's when you truly know you really want that something... Or you're just really fucking confused and insecure with your life not knowing what you really want yet. *hollow laughter*

Well, I know what I want. I've this itch to talk about what I want anyway, so let's roll with this post. I WANT... food right now. I just can't be fucked to get up and get some in the kitchen right n- okay, okay. In all seriousness, I want to make it BIG, to go sky high. Like, to infinity and beyond.

I've always wanted to be a kick-ass famous musician. I want to be that someone standing in front of thousands, wait no, to hell with that... MILLIONS chanting my name, playing a #1 single with MY band, with pyrotechnics going off in key moments of our performance, sweat and tears running through everybody's system, fog and those bright lights. The bright lights pointing to infinity and beyond.

"... That's so Bon Jovi."

HAHA. Hey, it's a dream I'm willing to go to any lengths for. A guy can dream, can't he? That's what I want, and getting there is in the palm of my hands... Just like how everything is in your hands when it comes to getting to your desires, too.

Fun fact: I want to get a tattoo that goes under my collar bone, or maybe on my forearm. I want it to say: ad infinitum. Now, that is awesome.

Okay, this post has gotten out of hand. It went from a tumblr post, to the heart, to what I want, to tattoos. This is madness.

you can rewrite and erase anything.

2011-05-04T17:12:00.006+08:00

"The Moon forms an uncomfortable semisquare with your key planet Venus today, tying your feelings up in knots. A simple desire becomes more complex as you obsess about the power that love has over you. However, your worries may just be the result of an overactive imagination. Don't waste time thinking about something that may never happen. You'll be happier if you keep your attention on the present moment."

"The Moon's semisquare with Venus intensifies emotions right now as the power of love overtakes you. Stay in the moment rather than give in to your imagination."

I swear, sometimes I just fucking hate horoscopes. "Thinking about something that may never happen"? Fuck that, it may never happen, but there's still a chance that it will. Stubborn me says I will kick ass to get that something. I will move heaven and hell for it. Oh yeah.

Rant conclusion: I will not give up or give in. I will hope and believe.

THANK YOU *bow*

woosah.

2011-04-28T18:54:00.009+08:00

If it were up to you, would you listen to what everyone around you is telling you? The cold, hard facts they state... Or would you rather listen to the things being said in your head? The thoughts and feelings you believe in?

Don't get me wrong, I've hit mind-blowing decisions like these. You will either be put down by the facts, or will be lifted off the ground by your beliefs. I was just curious, what decision would you have made?

Facts are pieces of information known to exist by evidence or demonstration. They are things you can't go against, because no matter which side or angle you look at it, it's the truth and nothing but the truth. There is no hint of lie in a fact, it is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it.

Beliefs are the mental acceptances of and conviction in the truth. The faith and trust you have to what you know and what you think is true. The side and angle that only your eyes can see, regardless whether it is a lie or not. It is what you think it is and only you influence it, nobody else.

Now that you know the base of each side, which side will you be standing by? The side with all the facts fed by everyone else, or the side with all the faith you have in yourself? Tough luck, this shit's not easy. Let us give a scenario.

The best and most painful scenario you could possibly think of would be the one within a relationship. Speaking from a guy's point of view, you meet this nice, kind lady. After getting acquainted well enough, the chase begins. Days pass, she slowly becomes the person you want to keep talking to, the one you want to get to know more and more and the person you want to be with all at the same time. Soon after, girl admits her feelings for you too. You both hit stage 3 and label yourselves as a 'couple'.

Given that the last few weeks were probably the best couple of days you've ever had for a while, now that you're together, it's as if you're on cloud 9. You'd go out with your girlfriend, you'd have the best time ever. Only you can see it, feel it and actually be with it. That notion where it's as if everything within and around you is at peace, because you're actually truly happy. You know it won't last all day, but at least at that moment in time, even if it was just for a bit, you actually were.. And it was great.

Everything felt great. You'd talk and talk, and you'd both never run out of things to say. You were so comfortable with each other that even a moment of silence between the both of you would not feel the slightest bit awkward or disturbing. Everything you would say to each other would be understood to the very base of the word, without explanation. The best feeling in the world is the one where you know that someone is right there who understands you word for word, who cares about you, and that no matter where she may be out there in the world, she is thinking of you just as you are thinking of her.

You'd have a stupid grin on when you get home. You'd be so motivated to do anything because you're so full of energy. All those times with her, your inside jokes, your similarities and differences that fit so well together, how you both are said to always be blooming and just glowing with positive energy when together... And then all that just suddenly comes crashing down when you least expect it. Shattered completely.

The next stage of this story comes forth and takes place when you get "facts" from friends and family that everything was lie. That through observation, facts and stories compiled and analyzed, they saw that everything was a lie. You did not see it coming. At all. So, you were told: She lied about her feelings to get to you. She initiated this "relationship" to her advantage so she could get what she wanted out of somebody, that somebody being you.

That she toyed with your emotions. She toyed with your whole relationship and time with her to get what she wanted out of you. She lied and faked it all. What hurts the most is that after hearing all those facts, each and every fact had evidence to prove it all true. That after all that, you just don't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. What's true, and what isn't. What's right, and what's wrong. Everything that actually meant something to you, that even for a moment made you feel infinite, just withered away to nothing all of a sudden.

You just knew and felt your friends and family had good intentions, not meaning any harm or selfish reasons. They just really wanted to protect you from getting any more damaged and hurt as it is. You can't help but agree to that, because you know that's true. However, was what was between you and her, between the two of you and only the two of you, supposed to be something they should have meddled in and caused this issue?

Deep inside all the confusion, you just can't believe it because it sure as hell didn't feel that way. If it were even the slightest bit that way, you would have at least felt something. But no, you didn't. You just somehow knew that through all those laughs and smiles you looked right into her eyes and could've sworn, it was not fake. It was not a lie. It was all true. You could feel it rushing inside you that there is something wrong but you just can't lay your finger on the fact that it's her that was.

That silence, never running out of things to say, laughing and enjoying each other's company. That moment where you looked into each other's eyes and felt a zing in your stomach and goosebumps all over, because it all felt so right, just so fucking true because eyes can't lie. You just can't believe that all that was a lie. Throughout all that, in the end you were both just separated. Forbidden to see each other again. It all ended prematurely, and you'll never know what her side of the story was, something you'd be dying to hear.

There are things you saw and felt that they sure as hell couldn't, but there are things they saw and felt that you sure as hell didn't.

Now, tell me. Which side would you have listened to if you came to that scenario? Friends and family who've stuck with you through thick and thin, or that feeling of the hint of infinity still rushing inside you from all that's happened? Could it have been a misinterpretation? From yours or theirs? Would you face the facts, or trust your faith in what you believe in?

"The heart will always follow the mind. We all live to learn about ourselves, everybody is just a branch for you to understand and learn about yourself more."

keepsakes and memories.

2011-04-26T11:46:00.008+08:00

"Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time."

- John Mayer

I was lying in bed one day reminiscing on the past, and what's been going on the last couple of weeks. It's been one hell of a party in my head the past couple of days.

I'm not the kind of person who can easily let go of people, keepsakes and other things that have meant a significant value to me in my life. Accepting the fact that I've lost something so dear and important, not to others, but at least to me and in my mind, is something really fucking painful to be honest. I don't really become interested in something easily, nor do I fall for some situations, people and whatsoever... But when I do, I fall pretty fuckin' hard.

When situations like this happen, that line from John Mayer's song comes to mind. One side of me wants to accept it and just move on from all the pain and tears I had to go through, while the other just wants to bear with it and hold on, even if holding on is under every circumstances wrong already. Pain is only temporary.

Stubborn: that's the word. No matter how wrong it is, how bad it will be in the long run, how painful and stupid it could get, I just cannot let some things go. Like I said, I'm not someone who gets attached to anything that easily. You must've done something really impressive if that happened. It's one of the reasons I'm afraid of getting too attached to someone/something, why I keep to myself so much.

I'd hate to admit it, but this is one of the reasons why I am so clingy, needy, overly protective and possessive. Aside from that, there's that habit of easily getting jealous over something. Hey, at least I give a damn, okay. It may not seem like it, but when someone or something becomes important to me, I want to make sure he/she is always happy, always safe and secure. I don't really show it, but I try my best even with just the littlest things to make sure they know that I love them. It's not much, but it's the best I could do. As far as generosity and kindness goes, that's what I do.

Going back to the topic, letting go is never easy. Reader, know better than me and always remember: Good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. One side of me goes, "FUCK YES BETTER THINGS FOR ME!" while another just simply says, "why do my good things have to fall apart to become better?". Being blindly optimistic to my 'good things' I'd rather keep them as is than to have them fall apart for something better because I like to think they can be better without having to fall apart.

But you know the one thing I hate the most about letting go of something I've held on to dearly? It's knowing that once I let go, it'll be nothing but a distant memory of what had been and what could've been. Time wouldn't make a difference, be it short or long, real or fake, good or bad... It's the impact they made in your life that matters most of all.

... I'm lost. Back to square one.

should i've known.

2011-04-24T07:27:00.005+08:00

'Cause the soul's rock hard but the heart's trapped underneath, and the weight of it all gives enough just to crush the best out of you and me but I swear that there's someone who cares here enough to set us free, and if the world don't turn just enough to bring her honest, then I guess we're better off forgotten.

Sometimes, the right thing to do doesn't necessarily mean it will feel right, because the most difficult thing to do is the right thing. What you want is not the right thing, and the right thing isn't what you want. In the end, you have to consider that sometimes, what you want isn't always what's right, that's why we make mistakes.

all we have is what's left today.

2011-04-19T21:51:00.005+08:00

Whenever you're in a relationship, whether you know it or not, there are things you and your significant other follow even if neither one of you discussed having to follow it with the other. I'm no expert when it comes to things like this, but I've picked up a thing or two about relationships and whatnot from friends, family and God knows where else.

Here are some things I've experienced, and was "informed" about (informed because there are things I forget to do too, I'm only human).

Never forget or neglect your responsibilities. Just because things have changed with a certain someone, does not mean everything else will change with it. Don't forget your place in your life, your friends, and your family.

Stick to one. When you're labelled as in a relationship with someone, dating or getting intimate someone else aside from that person is out of the question. Understand that they are yours and you are theirs, not in any material way, but through emotional means. If you don't want to be tied to one person, don't be in a relationship.

Respect. A person has needs, wants, likes, and dislikes and things attached to him/her. Don't diss any of them, that includes his/her friends, family, and material desires. If you want him/her, you have to be able to accept all of him/her.

Trust. A relationship cannot stand side by side together without it because it's all about trust. You can't take risks together, have believable conversations, rely on each other or even cooperate without trust.

Face the consequences. Be sure of your decisions, don't regret anything. It's all or nothing, and if you can't take it all, you can have nothing. In the Philippines, they say: "gawin mo ang gusto mo, pero panindigan mo".

Don't hide anything. Your partner is not just your lover, he/she is also your best friend. Someone you can be yourself with, tell anything and everything to, and enjoy absolutely anything with.

Don't rush things, live in the moment. Who knows what you could miss? Enjoy the little things, sometimes the ones that are overlooked are the ones that matter the most in the end of it all.

Fighting and arguments are good things. They're mistakes that are learned from and improved on, that lead to a deeper, better and stronger relationship with whoever it is you're with.

A little jealousy in a relationship is healthy. It only shows you're cared about, you're wanted, you're loved. You wouldn't be jealous if you didn't care.

Give space once in a while. Some alone time to yourself and your other is a good thing. There'll also be time to miss each other. Just because you're in a relationship with someone does not mean you have to be together every waking second of every day.

No lies. This applies for absolutely EVERYTHING. Do not under any circumstances lie, it's the worst possible thing you could do. You'd be betraying their trust, hiding the reality from them, and spitting on your respect for them, which is probably nothing because.. You lied.

Be proud. He/she is with you and no one else. Show off for all anyone cares, because you have something nobody else does, so to speak. Don't be ashamed of having something to do with them, that's just stupid.

Know the difference. They are not material things you can just have to use for yourself for your satisfaction, attention and enjoyment. They're human beings too. Don't think only about yourself.

Stay classy. You don't have to give everything to your lover, leave some things for yourself. Nothing ever goes the way we think they will, and if your lover disappears, you've got nothing.

Know your priorities. Your priorities are one of the things that should change when you get a girlfriend/boyfriend. Know which should be more important than the other.

There are more to this and that, but I have no intention on putting up the rest because I just either can't put it to words, or I just can't be fucked to bother (I don't really have much time to go online much anymore). I'd love to rant more about it but I'll continue some other time, this seems to be satisfactory for.. let's say, part 1. Have a goodnight, people.

you'd help me out of the dark.

2011-04-19T20:56:00.004+08:00

It's been a while since I've last blogged. A lot of things have changed nowadays. Inside, outside, and everything in between. I flunked my exams, the one that was supposed to finally get me into college and not repeat senior year a third fuckin' time. Seriously. Third time's the charm I guess? If you're wondering what the results were, here they are:

English / Filipino / Social Studies / Maths / Science
1 100 100 86 100 100
2 91 100 93 100 100
3 95 70 89 100 87

Okay, before I explain this, DO NOT ASK how I got everything in Math perfect. I do not know, it might probably just be a god damn miracle because I know I just tried my luck and picked the most plausible answer on the list without even doing the calculations.

Anyway, those are what I got out of those 600 fucking questions they made me answer within 10 hours. It was hell, I tell you. They all criticized and told me off on my decision of taking the exam despite my odds of passing in the first place. Aside from the fact that there were 600 questions, being a foreigner in my own country, and the argument on my condition, I took the exam anyway.

As you can see, I did pretty fucking well in my opinion. I've never, ever had social studies as a subject in Brunei, nor did I ever take formal lessons on Filipino. A divine miracle happened and I did not get a single mistake in Math, English went by just fine, and Science was not something I expected to get high in being the "Absent or Asleep" student that I was back in Brunei.

But I still did not pass the exam. Why? I got 70 for Filipino, on the very last set of questions. According to Filipino education, I need to have scored at least 75 and above for each and everyone of them. Just because I got everything perfect on the last two sets does not mean I'm exempted from that rule. So, long story short: If I got above 75, I'd be able to get into college.

But I didn't. So one measly flunk meant that I flunked the whole thing. Sigh. Do I at least get an A for effort? Too late, I'm sure.

***

On a brighter note, I've learned and picked up quite a few things about myself and other things over the last couple of days. I learned (or relearned. I probably forgot some as time passed):

1. I'm afraid of the dark, but I love the dark. It's soothing, subtle and romantic.
2. As much as I love boxing, nothing will beat the love I have for music, singing and guitars.
3. You can be rude, loud and obnoxious. You can be proud, and so on, but nothing describes you're strong more than being gentle. It takes a lot of strength to be gentle amidst all the dilemmas in the world. Lola taught me this.
4. I still have some traumas from the past I can't get over.
5. I still enjoy being very cheesy.

Nothing wraps up a night like a rant and some music to boot.

love over luxury.

2011-04-11T16:12:00.004+08:00

I've done things I'm proud of, things I'm proud to say I accomplished and achieved, things I worked hard on and paid off eventually. However proud I may be for the handful of physical, mental and material achievements I've gained, there are also things I've done that I'm not proud of.

I've made wrong decisions, big mistakes, and stupid actions. Yet after all the mayhem and chaos I've caused, here I am in one piece, alive and well. Why? No, it's not because I haven't screwed up hard enough (Well, maybe..), but I like to think that it's because I learn from all the crap I do.

You can tell me not to do this and teach me how to do that, but as stubborn and arrogant as I am (I take a lot of pride in myself), I'll do it my way, do or die. Like everybody says, if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger, right? Well, that's the intention of whatever I go through and deal with.

There will be the non-believers, the haters, the jealous critics and the believers in whatever you do. The non-believers think you can't do it, that you're "weaksauce" and that you're making it up. The haters just plain hate you and want to bash your face in because you do what you do. The jealous critics criticize, duh, and make fun of your accomplishments and belittle them. Then there are your believers, the ones who motivate you and push you to keep going and do your best in whatever you put in.

As stereotypical as my description sounds, I pay no attention to any of them except for the believers. Utilize these people well, because they're the only ones that should matter aside from yourself in whatever you do. You may be an athlete, a musician, or the greatest accountant in the world. You are who you are.

Everything's a lesson, you just need to utilize it to your benefit. Whatever you go through is your life, and it's your shit, nobody else's, so don't let someone else dig into your shit. Walk a mile in someone's shoes before you judge them with what they do, because your judgement is what you really are underneath.

home is where someone thinks of you.

2011-04-10T16:02:00.004+08:00

Being your older (but not any more mature) brother, we've been apart for nearly four years now. You're going through a lot and words cannot say just how bad I am as a brother for not being able to be there with you and Mummy as a family right now. I hope this year was no different from your other birthdays, filled with love, joy and excitement, even if I still, four years running, cannot be there to celebrate it with you.

Happy Birthday, dear sister. You mean the whole world, and I miss you so much.

then and now.

2011-04-06T22:36:00.005+08:00

AND I QUOTE;

"someone to think of to these songs; someone to say sweet nothings to; someone to think of before i sleep and wake up; someone to say 'i love you' to; someone to call SAYAAANNGGG; someone to tell me "everything's gonna be alright" even if everything's too fucked up; someone to be handsome for; someone to inspire you to be better; someone to give you butterflies when she's around; someone who comments on your facebook page random things just to make you laugh; someone who makes the effort to make you laugh even if you're down; someone who kisses your tears away; someone who gives a fuck about whatever you're up to even if it's useless.. someone.. just someone to be happy just being with me.. to be with me-- not just physically but emotionally.. that special someone i call mine."

the sprinkles on my donut

the whipped cream on my waffle

the cherry on my ice cream

the rainbow after my rain

the star on my every night

the cheese on my sandwich

the lyrics of my song

the syrup on my pancake

the icing on my cupcake

the picture of my album

the beat of my drum

the rhythm on my guitar

the apple of my eye

the sugar in my coffee

the jill on my hill

the law in my physics

the anatomy in my biology

the reaction in my chemistry

the spelling in my english

the equation on my math

the balance in my account

the program in my computer

the tweet on my twitter

the post on my blog

the status on my facebook

the pm on my msn

the highlight of my weekend

the day of my week

the breath in my lungs

the voice in my head

the ink on my pen

the scribble on my paper

the note in my locker

the doodle on my arm

the girl of my dreams

the smile in my happiness

the love in my life

the every waking second of my every fucking day.

---

I was reading my past posts on this blog. This is how cheesy I was years ago. 2 years ago, to be exact. I still am. I also realized just how different I think now compared to back then. It's hilarious how I get this "holy shit" reaction whenever I find something that brings back memories as to how I was back then. It's all just so different now. Then again, I'm a sucker for cheesy things up till now. Some things don't change.

---

welcome to the world, izaq.

i was small.

i was innocent.

i was mistaken for a girl, too.

i was fair.

i dressed up pretty fancy back then.

but we all grow each and every day.

then we start rebelling.

i tried cross-dressing, never worked.

young, stupid and reckless. still am.

my diabetic tendencies.

after a while, we hit puberty.

we all go through that punk stage.

there's that emo stage too.

we start seeking for freedom and excitement.

we become self conscious and corrupted along the way.

we start noticing the opposite sex too.

but we still keep growing through them all.

I've grown quite a bit haven't I? I'm not done growing yet. :)

mighty fine.

2011-04-02T17:54:00.002+08:00

Expressing myself is what I would call "a challenge". I know people who have no problem doing this. I also know people who have a massive dilemma whenever expressing themselves was needed.

I'm the kind of person who refuses the act of expression. I treat it like it's Math, I can't be fucked to bother. I'm more comfortable just going with the flow of the waves of life, keeping to myself unless it's necessary to peer out of my shell for a bit. It makes me feel comfortable, but I never realized until a few days back just how miserable and depressing it really is. I laughed at the irony.

Imagine how you're in your own shell, enjoying things and doing whatever possible to keep you occupied. Then you wonder why it feels so lonely. So, you decide to look for somebody to do something with. You convince said person to go out with you and enjoy yourselves and give the person a good time. After everything that's been said and done, you come back home and repeat cycle.

Yet, in every sense you still feel lonely. Sad. Out of place. Doesn't everybody get that sometimes? Well fine, SOME PEOPLE. I'm not saying all of us have this dilemma. I have it most of the time being someone who keeps to himself, being in my comfort zone far too giddy to even try getting out of it.

Just think about it: You don't express yourself to people, you just smile or laugh at the little things and then bug off and do your own thing. When you do say something, you just try to get some attention and run away from the facts you don't want to face. To hell with that, realization says that you could run and hide, but you won't get away. The fact of the matter is that people like that, me included, just refuse to face the bare facts.

We wonder why we're lonely, depressed, out of place and whatever shit so we try to run away from that by doing something or directing our attention to something else to forget the situation. We can keep doing that, but it will never last. Truth be told, it doesn't work that way. We find it easier to run, than to face our fears, and if that routine rubbish is not stopped, then our so-called fears will never go away.

Fear is what holds us all back from doing what we really want. We're afraid of doing this, doing that, because this might happen, that might explode, someone might react, someone might die... Whatever floats your boat. If we don't get rid of our fears, how can we expect to live life to the fullest and enjoy every little thing and be happy, to infinity and beyond?

We can only find that solution or remedy in ourselves and ourselves alone. To find it inside ourselves, we need to face our fears. To face our fears, we need to get out of our comfort zone. To get out of our comfort zone, we need to have the initiative to do that. That's why we can only do it ourselves, no help, no shortcut, nada. Me, myself and I. It goes on and on and you can't get to the finish line that never ends without doing this step by step plan full of win.

The irony of it all is that here I am telling you readers about the solution when the solution itself is something I can't achieve. Like I said, I laughed at the irony. This is my dilemma, my issue and problem that I treat as if it's rocket science. I just thought I'd give it to you all, y'know? One of these days... Talk about listening to my own advice. Do you now see where the post came from?

The source of all your problems will always be yourself. You want them out of your system, only you can do something about it, nobody else. Your life, your shit.

That was a great lesson I learned recently, don't you think?

eat lead.

2011-03-26T22:42:00.005+08:00

Everyone has probably been led on at least once in their life. In my opinion, there is no feeling worse than being led on. The hope, patience, and effort you put into that something or 'someone'. The persistence, time and hard work you took and wasted. The thoughts and feelings you went through over and over.

In the end, you slip on the very tightrope you walk and hang there in the balance. The metaphor in this is the clutch you have on that tightrope you slipped on itself. As being led on goes, you get struck and come to the point of making that path changing decision not everyone finds easy to conclude.

Do you hold on, pull yourself up and continue on knowing you might just slip and get hurt again but not knowing where the end of the tightrope will be anyway? OR, do you just give up and let go, fall into oblivion not knowing whether where you'll land and end up in will be good or bad?

This is something that can happen anywhere. Work, school, home, love life, social life, wild life (lol).

Example 1: Boy likes girl. Girl makes boy think girl likes boy. Boy puts time and effort to get girl. Girl plays along with no intent of being taken. Boy is left hanging with no conclusion but shattered hope and disappointment.

Example 2: Child sees toy. Child wants toy. Child asks parent if they can buy the toy. Parent says they'll think about it making child hope they'll get it even if they have no intention of buying toy. Child blindly believes it. Child gets hurt because toy wasn't bought.

Example 3: Employee asks for raise or promotion. Boss gives employee large workload and presentations to complete and prepare within deadline. Employee works his/her hardest to achieve boss' approval. Boss has no intention of promoting employee. Employee's effort wasted in the end.

The fact of the matter is it hurts so much being put in that situation. It maybe something small and irrelevant, sometimes even simple to some. I don't know about you, but that's just not the case for me, it would be the complete opposite. There are MANY other kinds of situations, but I could only think of the main 3.

The fact that you mustered up all the courage and effort to even try to walk that tightrope would be a feat to some (To me, it would be something very fucking impressive), while to others it would be just another 'walk in the park'. That's not the end of it. Knowing the fact that if you let go, you wouldn't complete what you started anyway just really fucking sucks.

To top it all off, knowing you slipped, got hurt and just let go and gave up from your intentions and hopes... That just really fucking sucks even more!

My description and thoughts of it alone feel painful already, but that's just me, it's a blog and that's what I intend to be doing though I do not know if the reader feels what I pour onto my posts. I was sitting in my room tonight and was wondering what I should make a post about and remembered a small instance that first popped into my head, a story told by my aunt. So that's how this post came to be.

BUT ANYWAY, I don't know any ways out to avoid or get over being led on as it isn't something I've learned and experienced fully (I don't intend to either!). Yes, I've gone through things like this before and managed to get through just fine, it's just that my methods aren't exactly something to brag about.

... But I'll tell you anyway. Whenever I felt like I was being led on, I'd throw a bitch fit and get pissed at anything or anyone, toss out my frustrations and then sleep it all off. If I don't feel better after waking up the next morning, I repeat cycle until I do. It's pathetic, isn't it?

I don't recommend doing that, but I do recommend avoiding the situation as much as possible. Hell, if I were you, I'd just not even try if I knew it was something that would happen in the long run. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the catch of being led on, you don't know if it will. Truth be told, you wouldn't know if it was happening either until the point where you're just too damn fed up and sick of it, and by then it would've already been too late.

To the person leading another on, just think of the karma you'll get hit with. What goes around comes around, and once it comes around... Just imagine how hard it'll bite you in the ass tenfold. That's what you get. Fuck you for wasting time, effort and screwing us over by keeping us hanging on that metaphorical tight rope. Yeah.

I feel so much disgust for people who have the facial thickness to do this. To make someone look stupid by making them hope for something that's actually nothing, to make someone suffer over and over through waiting and wasting time and whatnot they put into this, just to end up in pain in disappointment.

To the person being led on by another, that's life. That's just the way it is. You win some, you lose some, you get screwed over, you fuck up. Learn from the mistakes. It's nothing simple but this isn't rocket science, just suck it up and go on ahead with it, it'll be behind you eventually if you just keep swimmin' (LOL DORY).

I leave you all with these two lines from a song by the Eraserheads. To the filipinos! ... And others who can understand what this means:

"Kung kelan ka naging seriyoso, saka ka nya gagaguhin."

"Diba, tangina, nagmukha akong tanga. Pinaasa nya lang ako, letseng pagibig to."

heaven can wait.

2011-03-25T13:05:00.004+08:00

patience [ˈpeɪʃəns]

1. Tolerant and even-tempered perseverance.

2. The capacity for calmly enduring pain, trying situations, etc.

Forbearance, tolerance, composure... You have to admit, not everyone has patience in the world. One would demand things to just fall into his/her lap as soon as they need a specific thing while another would rather wait it out and "keep their cool".

There are people who don't know how to be patient, whereas they would blow their minds with anger if something took too long or if a certain situation didn't go their way. A good example would be some customers in a restaurant.

Oh yes! There you are waiting in line, just waiting to reach the counter so that a restaurant employee could take your order. People tend to fiddle with themselves, or try to distract themselves with their surroundings. Impatient people, however, are just plain assholes. There are people who try to skip the line and not wait their turn, some get shit pissed if the order takes too long to prepare.

Haven't we all experienced that? Minority of people have little to no patience. Too little of that is usually a really bad thing to most. That's too bad, because too much patience is actually quite a bad thing as well just like how too much of anything is bad for anybody.

Just think of this scenario. What if you were the person behind this REALLY patient son of a bitch who ordered a small takeout of food that is taking longer than usual in that restaurant? Assertive beings would realize that the order is obviously taking far too long than it's supposed to, but REALLY patient people wouldn't care.

They'd just stand and wait anyway, hoping and assuming that things will come in due time so there's no need to rush. Another scenario could be like my dilemma a few posts ago (Read "we'll be a dream" if you have no idea what I'm talking about). The test of your tolerance and patience could be your downfall.

Oh and of course, there's also that instance where if you don't have enough patience for something, you'd give up before you even get there or get it. Don't give up too soon, a little while longer wouldn't hurt if you've already waited quite a bit. Also, don't give up too late, realize when too much is too much that you just really have to get over it and move on.

Point of the post: Have patience, just not too much. You should know when enough is enough and be able to put a limit on certain things and situations. Nobody wants to deal with an impatient person, nor does anyone want to deal with someone too "loose".

I learned this a while ago. Take it from me, I'm just one hell of a patient asshole.

fear is adorable.

2011-03-24T12:03:00.003+08:00

I do whatever it takes
When I'm with you I get the shakes
My body aches when I ain't
With you I have zero strength
There's no limit on how far I would go
No boundaries, no lengths
Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks
Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em it's never the same?
You want them when they don't want you
Soon as they do feelings change
It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate
I wasn't looking but I stumbled onto you must've been fate
But so much is at stake what the fuck does it take
Let's cut to the chase
But a door shuts in your face
Promise me if I cave in and break and leave myself open
That I won't be making a mistake

Eminem is a genius.

It's no contest or conquest. It's fate.

---

I know a couple of people in the world who think they're weak, who hold themselves back with fear. I like to think I'm not one of those people anymore, but it comes and goes sometimes. They have things they want to do, things they want to say, but they can't because they're too weak, they're not brave enough, they're afraid of getting hurt, rejected, denied. Or so they think.

Fear is a teacher, so I've learned. Whenever you let it get into your head, it only means you refuse to learn. That's what fear does, it scares you, it's fear after all isn't it? I keep telling myself: If it can't hurt you physically, then it can't kill you. So what is there to be afraid of?

Some say, "but if it doesn't go well, everything will end up awkward, and I'll die of embarrassment! I'll be so depressed and hate myself and it's..." Shut up. Really. Grow the fuck up. So what? If you're sad, then you are. If you're embarrassed, then you are. What does not doing what you want to do have to do with that?

To every action, there is always an equal and opposite reaction. It's the law. Isaac Newton's law (Hey, we have the same name!). Don't be a pussy, deal with the consequences. If it hurts, then it does. Get over it, move on. End of story!

Yes, it's easier said than done, but will you get anywhere just wallowing in fear being a vanilla? Just because there'll be negative reactions in your every action doesn't mean there won't be anything positive with it too.

So you want to learn to ride a bike; you'll fall down and get hurt trying to learn, but you'll learn eventually if you keep trying. You want to confess your undying love for someone but there's a chance you'll be hurt and rejected. So what? The chances of that happening are just as much as the chances of that NOT happening.

Take that extra step. Your decision on whether or not you do something could be the decision on whether or not you'll be happy.

Push yourself, Pull through with it, and just like that great Nike innuendo, "Just Do It." So what's stopping you now? Get out there and do what you want to do, say what you want to say, feel what you want to feel, deal with whatever happens after and move on.

No pain, no gain?

we'll be a dream.

2011-03-22T23:18:00.005+08:00

hope

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. To look forward to with confidence or expectation.

3. To expect and desire.

4. A source of mental strength and belief.

I started my day with a plan. I intended to go to a place, for some peace and quiet, a bit of studying, a little leisure and enjoyment at most. A certain someone in my life decided she wanted to come along too. I was told we'd leave right after she finished her workload. An hour of sweat, patience and work later, she finished. Oh, it didn't end there, instead she decided to take some time to do what she wanted, not thinking that there was someone waiting for her.

Ticked off and full of disappointment, I stormed off alone. A few minutes later, I received a text from her asking where I was. The patient and forgiving bastard that I am decided to tell her and wait for her to show up anyway. Of course, I gave her a piece of my mind telling her off for what she did (Don't say you're showing up for something if you don't intend to in the first place or aren't sure to make it anyway because anything can change in the very last minute. You can end up disappointing and hurting people), but I'm just a little too fucking nice for some stupid reason. Another hour or two of waiting later (I'm too pissed off to be sure), she still doesn't show up so I leave my waiting spot to eat and explore. 4 places later, she pops up. She drags me along with her to do her errands. Well whoop-di-fucking-do.

Before that I asked where she wanted to go, trying to be polite. I was given the idea that after all these errands, I'd finally be able to follow through with my plan. Right before she'd finish her workload, again, I sat in a shop and waited. To make sure I'd know how long she took, I looked at the time. 5:45PM. Cool, right? Yeah, well I left the shop at 7:30PM. Alone. She never showed up. No text, nothing.

Hell, I would have been fine with it actually, but did I get a rain check? Did I get a reconfirmation? No, not a word. I was a sitting idiot waiting for nearly 2 hours (This just proves how Taureans are the most patient of the Zodiac) AGAIN. She could have texted half an hour later or something saying she just couldn't make it, or how something came up or at least gave the decency to say she changed her mind.

The best bit of my long day? Right after I stormed off to eat dinner, I received a text from said person to come home and do my chores. Pissed off and hungry as it is (Not to mention I didn't even manage to follow through with my plan), I replied NICELY that I was just going to eat dinner. She assumed I just didn't want to eat dinner at home. No, wrong. I already had an order coming up that was paid for. Aside from that, it was a plan set in stone for me to eat out since the very beginning of the day. The moment I got home, I got bombarded with a lecture about dinner, being inconsiderate and uninformative and my chores being incomplete for two days already. Okay so it's my fault that I didn't do my chores, and it's my fault for not telling them my plans in the first place (Just for the record, everyone in the household was asleep and I just thought she'd be thoughtful enough to mention my plans to someone of authority at home which she knew clearly, though I could've texted too and told someone. Damn it, scratch that then).

Lesson learned. I can't blame the person though, it'll be pointless and doing that won't get anywhere. It was my stupidity and idiocy alone that decided what I decided and followed through with something that wasn't likely to happen in the first place. Now, I'm just so pissed off with myself for being so stupid. This could all have been avoided, but I didn't think it through. I was just too busy hoping, blinded.

It just hurts, y'know? That wasn't nice at all. Not for me, at least.

Today, I learned that I should really think my plans through and tell someone about it before I act. I learned that I shouldn't hope too big, it'll save me the disappointment and getting hurt in the end. Most of all, I learned that I should know my limits; to know when enough is enough. Oh I don't know, what do you think, reader? Wait, don't answer that, I'd only be looking for approval. I hope you learned something here, this was first-hand experience.

PS: To said person, if you somehow end up reading this: Thank you for the long and memorable day, I learned a lot today. Don't bother apologizing, you didn't do anything wrong, I guess.

Before I end this post, I'd just like to say We The Kings' Smile Kid album isn't so bad, but it isn't anywhere near good either. They could've done better.

sleeping with reality.

2011-03-20T15:57:00.003+08:00

I swear nobody gets up for work at 5AM on a Sunday unless they've got an event to be at or something. I guess it's just me. I don't know why, but sleeping has never really been an issue for me. I consider it a privilege instead of a need.

I've been the type to not be able to sleep until about 2AM due to a caffeine rush. Then again, I never really did mind because I could just lie here and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. Okay fine, maybe I mind... Just a little.

The sleeping is the easy part, it's the waking up that gets us all don't you think? Being able to escape to our own sanctuary to enjoy and kick back from reality and just float around in your imagination. Doing as you please being "lord and master" of your own little world in your head.

Then after all that silent bliss, you wake up feeling refreshed, happy and just plain care-free. Until of course, reality decides to drive a truck right fucking into your consciousness and you suddenly remember all the dilemmas and predicaments you have to deal with in this black and white world.

That's when you just feel weak, numb, or far too lazy to get up. You just want to stay in that little notion of what reality should be like, that fancy little piece of infinity you have etched in your mind, but reality always wins.

And that's life, that's how it is and that's just the way things are. No matter how hard you drive, the truck of reality will always run you over, and we just have to accept it. Living in denial just means you're heading towards an inevitable car crash against reality.

Nobody wants to be a wreck. Take things as they come, it won't hurt. Accepting the facts means you just might be able to do something about it. Don't succumb to the negativity creeping around life, because no problem is permanent, there will always be a solution.

Get up, go out, live. That little fantasy in your head can be a reality, all you've got to do is dream big and go for it. With your dreams, not even the sky is the limit, so it's up to you to make your dreams happen.

And to think, all this came from a good night's sleep? Huh.

stay up and get down.

2011-03-18T23:37:00.004+08:00

Maturity was never really my forte, or so I've heard.

immature

adj immature [iməˈtjuə]

1 childish and behaving like someone much younger.

2 not fully grown or fully developed; not ripe.

3 deficient in maturity; lacking wisdom, insight, emotional stability, etc.

I am in no position to contradict the definition of a dictionary... But here's my opinion anyway, take it however you want it, contradicting or not. When we speak in terms of science, the body reaches full development after teen years, early adulthood, however you want to call it. Metaphorically speaking, there is no limit to how much we can grow.

Insight is the capacity to understand.
Wisdom is the ability to utilize knowledge.
Emotional stability is the state of mental calmness or composure.

I, for one, only have the capacity to understand minority of the many complications of life. I know I can utilize whatever I know, if not, I wouldn't be able to type this down. As for my composure, I'm pretty sure I can keep myself in place alone. That makes me a mature human being, I guess.

However, some people in my very bright and colorful life (I think it's safer to say most) think I'm a pretty immature human being. I enjoy being loud, playful and care-free. Most of the time, people say I am not one to be taken seriously mainly because I joke around far too much. You know what I think?

To hell with that, I'll be as loud as I want and as playful as I can get. Life is the opposite of death, and death is just quiet and inanimate. I'm happy I can be this way, it's those who don't appreciate little things like this that don't deserve life at all.

Rule #1: Don't sweat the small stuff.
Rule #2: It's all small stuff.

- Dr. Michael Mantell

There is a limit for everything, just as in my opinion that there is a time to be mature as well was immature. If it were up to me, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be mature and calm all the time. Where's the fun in that?

Then again, being mature doesn't mean you can't have fun anymore, nor does being immature mean you can't be calm and wise. Don't take it the wrong way, I have nothing against being mature, it's just that some people define maturity the wrong way, for me at least.

Oh well, that's just how the way things are and I can live with that. You just cannot please them all. I am who I am, and that's all there is to it.

this is very dissatisfying.

2011-03-16T17:39:00.004+08:00

I rarely get any sleep most of the time, but on particular days in the life of Izaq Dumlao, I managed to finish reading a book called "The Case of the Missing Boyfriend" by Nick Alexander. It was a pretty OK book in my opinion. It was well thought out, very informative and there are a couple of things you can't forget and pick up along the way. One of the things I picked up from this book was a law I never really heard of until now. In the words of the book:

"Mona's Law apparently stares that everyone wants three things -- that happiness is made up of a three piece jigsaw: a good relationship, a nice place to live, and a good job. Mona's law stares that it is mathematically impossible to maintain more than two out of the three. The reason that Mona's Law appears so true is that the human brain is by nature dissatisfied.

Dissatisfaction is one of the defining features of being human, and if it were not the case we would still be happily living in trees and eating bananas. The way we modern apes channel our dissatisfaction is to look at our three-piece puzzle and focus all of our capacity for dissatisfaction on the least successful third of our lives until the situation becomes, or at least appears to become, untenable. Equally, the human brain, unable to think about more than one problem at a time, creates a rosy pretence that the other two thirds are, for now at least, just dandy.

So when we're in a bad relationship we throw ourselves with relief at our jobs. It's not that the job is perfect, it's simply that we are too busy funneling our angst at the unsatisfactory home-life to care. We need to pretend that the job and the flat are fine just to survive. Equally, the day we fall in love, the job doesn't actually get any worse... it's simply that because we no longer need it to escape the awful ex (and because we would rather stay in bed shagging) we direct our angst at the job."

Now, how true is that, ladies and gentlemen? We are all very dissatisfied people, what is your say?

Another thing I picked up on that little e-book of mine was depression. No, it's not what you think. Just read it:

Depression is a feeling that comes from three things:

1. The feeling of unworthiness.

2. The feeling of hopelessness.

3. The feeling of entrapment.

To get over rubbish like this:

Step 1. Know your problems.

Step 2. Plan a solution for your problems.

Step 3. Imagine your solutions are already reality.

Step 4. Forget the negative, go with positive.

Step 5. Take action to making your solutions a reality.

Okay, so the protagonist of the book was reading a self-help book. But hey, a little knowledge wouldn't hurt every once in a while now would it? Enjoy.

untangle me.

2011-02-26T15:03:00.005+08:00

Everybody has their own weaknesses and insecurities. I grew up feeling belittled, underestimated and told I was too young too understand, that these "older" people know more than I do in every given aspect and manner so I shouldn't question their knowledge.

Yes. It's true that older people know more than me, that I will learn only through experience and passed on knowledge. However, that does not give them the right to fucking belittle me and push me down because they know better.

I may be young, stupid and reckless but that does not mean I know nothing useful about the world. I want to learn, to grow. Given the facts, this insecurity only makes me want to go the distance and prove everyone wrong. That anything they can do, I can do better.

Just a little knowledge passed, some hard work and a chance. Just one chance to show i'm not something you should be underestimating because I'm more than just a guy with hopes and dreams.

Yes, it makes me come out as cocky and ignorant, but hell, if you can back yourself up with evidence and facts, what do you have to lose? Shove it up the other's ass if he doesn't know what's good for him. Even so, you don't have every right to be full of yourself if you've got it. When you see a mistake, don't allow it. Correct it. That's it. It's a matter of how you take it in.

Another weakness I have inside me is the tendency to think I don't belong, whatever it may be. In class discussions, in groups of friends, in certain ways, I just want to feel like I belong in the world.

I hated the feeling of being left out, pushed away because I'm not "included" or considered "not good enough". Bullshit like that, I'm pretty sure I'm good enough for everything if I set my mind to it and work hard.

Simply put in the words of John Rzeznik, a moment to be real, to touch things I don't feel, just to hold on and feel like I belong. All these insecurities and weaknesses, it feels pathetic.

Then again, I've learnt to accept the facts and face them, that I am who I am and I can only change for the better. I'm happy being all happy-go- lucky and carefree thinking of all the good things in life even if it makes me come out as someone who's just plain immature and full of jokes.

Just because I am what I am doesn't mean when given the right moment or time, I can't be mature or serious. I don't need someone to tell me to do that, I'm just happy acting like I'm 12 trying to enjoy all the good things in life and taking out the bad in the world.

Be careful of your judgements, they're not usually right. It takes a whole book to write a story, and every chapter is different from the other, so you can't tell what it is from one measly cover. Some people don't get it, but that just isn't any of my concern because I'll be too busy enjoying life while these "people" make their judgement.

the vibes of responsibility.

2011-02-26T14:53:00.003+08:00

The dictionary says that responsibility is the dependability and reliability of one's own initiative or authority. It also says responsible is the capacity for moral or rational actions and thoughts.

If you were to have a mindset full of moral and rational thoughts and actions, would that make you a person full of responsibility? Does being dependable and reliable mean you are responsible?

Uncle Ben Parker from Spiderman comics says, "With great power comes great responsibility." So here's my question, what exactly does it take to be responsible? How will you know when you are responsible enough?

How reliable and dependable do you have to be? How big a capacity do you need for morals and rationality? That's something I've yet to discover.

To me, being responsible means being able to think for yourself, to take care of yourself. Just like what the dictionary's said. It's just that for some people, responsibility comes to be a very big thing, something you need a lot of.

On the other hand, some prefer less responsibilities. The problem free philosophy. To some, it's said that the lesser the responsibilities, the lesser time you spend worrying about the stunts you need to pull and more of enjoying the stunts you'll be pulling.

Then, there are the people who say the more the responsibilities, the better. Some interpret that having more responsibilities mean more importance to others. The feeling of knowing you're important is a pretty good feeling, it gives out a good vibe.

Would you give up enjoyment to be important? Or would you give up importance to enjoy life as it is? If you're that awesome, you'd probably find important and responsibilities enjoyable so who needs life huh? Hahaha.

That brings me to the conclusion that is depends on how you look at things to know what enough is for you. Everyone's got it different. What matters is if you think you're responsible enough to have certain responsibilities, then you are. It's a matter of what capacity you have in you to go the distance.

Nobody can tell you how responsible you are for something, it's a matter of whether or not you think you can handle something without burdening others or burdening yourself doing it. People can judge how responsible you are, but that's a different story.

sharing the optimism.

2011-02-26T14:46:00.003+08:00

life is going by just fine. i grow, i learn. what more is there to ask for? certain aspects in life are not exactly perfect, but who said they had to be? i'm happy right now, though i could ask for more, i'm content with the situation i'm in right now.

carpe diem; seize the day. life life to the fullest, live as if you have no regrets, as if you were going to die tomorrow. that's the plan. of course, never forget to enjoy the little things. the little things that could disappear from your reach in the blink of an eye.

the cold air that breezes by every night with the moonlight.

the warm feeling you get from doing something good.

the cherry on top of ice cream covered in hot chocolate fudge.

lazing around all afternoon with your friends talking about the stupidest things.

going up to the roof staring at the stars, thinking about how small you are in such a big world.

singing alone to the radio with feeling.

dancing by the campfire.

getting a hug.

falling in love.

enjoy the little things, it makes life all the more sweeter just like sprinkles on top of a cupcake. never think negatively too, it's very unhealthy. everybody should be happy whatever the cause because everything will be alright in the end.

optimism makes you smile when pessimism makes you frown, which would you rather have? i want to be happy, don't you? everybody does.

in the words of John O:

"we all have been degraded, we all will be the greatest."

heartbreak to infinity.

2011-02-26T13:52:00.004+08:00

A month and a half ago, I was lying in bed the whole afternoon thinking of what to do when all this came slamming into my head. I put it in my iTouch to remember. Just putting it up for you all to read ;)

Heartbreak. Have you ever had the feeling of heartbreak before? Being rejected from your feelings because the other doesn't feel the same way? The feeling of heartbreak because the person you're in love with loves someone else? It's like having ice cream on a cone, but the ice cream fell off. It's like breaking your favorite toy, or losing your favorite shirt because it's too small.

Heartbreak comes in many shapes and forms, but the heartbreak found in a relationship isn't what I'm talking about. I'm talking about the teeny tiny heartbreak you get when you see a person you somewhat have a crush on either way, but you're too out of their league to even have a chance.

Of course that has got to suck big time but that small ray of hope, a silver lining thinking: even against all odds, above all differences and dilemmas stopping you, you can't help but surrender to the fact that your optimism thinks you've still got a chance in the world no matter how small.

Yeah, it's not much of a chance, more or less a miracle if it could happen, it being you and this person becoming a "thing". That leads us to the fact that all human beings would risk getting hurt, risk everything they've got or even give their lives for a small chance, a way or a lead to be... infinite.

Isn't that what we're all fighting for in life? To be infinite? The phrase "to be infinite", what is it exactly? To be in love? To be happy? To be full of yourself? No? Well, I'd have to say being infinite could mean different to one and the same with the next. Whatever that may be, each and every person has their own point of view of what infinite is, and/or what that path to infinity will be for them. Whatever that may be, we all want the same thing, to be infinite.

So that brings us back to our topic of the tiny heartbreak with a person way out of your league that doesn't even know you're in love with them. Wait, love?

So you "love" this person, what does that mean? Does it mean unconditionally, till death do you part, forever and always? Does it mean you like them or you're interested? Or maybe it just means you're infatuated with lust or maybe you're just so fucking turned on by this person? Who knows.

Everyone's got their own way of thinking what the word "love" means for them. That brings us back to the point of infinity, where everyone's got their own definition of what that infinity could be.

That gives us the conclusion that being infinite and being in love are alike. Whatever they may be, depending on how one sees it, love and infinity could be two different things, or two similar things and maybe even to some, they could be one thing altogether. In that case, what we're all risking our lives for, what we're fighting for, what we're giving our blood, sweat and tears for... Is to be loved.

Conclusion? To be loved, is to be infinite. Love is infinite.

And for that heartbreak dilemma? Let's just put it as the great phrase coming from The Beatles: All You Need Is Love. Let love lead your path to infinity. A little thinking, some honesty, a ray of hope, a pinch of courage and a whole lot of love: that's all there is to be infinite.