half of my heart won't do.

I've never looked at myself as someone who would end up being a great father. Just today, I thought of what it would be like for me to have one of my own, how I would be and how I'd do. Just a little daydream, nothing specific whatsoever. I came to a conclusion that I wouldn't be a very good one. Why? I get irritated easily.

I have so many bad habits, therefore making me one hell of a bad influence to the young ones. Not only that, my image of a father would be someone strong and fearless and yadda yadda. Hell, just recently a cockroach crawled up my leg in the dark. I screamed my head off and ran out the room. I had my aunt flip my room upside down until it was killed and removed because I couldn't do it myself. She was pretty annoyed at my balls, I on the other hand am still shuddering.

Yes, manly I know. How can I protect my own children from the evils of this world!? COCKROACHES?! Of course I can't really be sure. I guess I'll have to wait until I settle down to find out then. That's going to be a loooooooong time from now. The thought of it was hilarious though. Me, a father. HAH.

---

Today was one of a kind. Instead of being online at 2AM like I said in my last post, I woke up at 5AM to the sound of rain (My bad, the alarm didn't wake me up). It wasn't that loud, but for a heavy sleeper like me, it managed to wake me up. I spent most of the morning doing absolutely nothing while everyone in the house cooked and cleaned pretty much everything. Again. A clean house is clean.

At about 2PM, I gave up doing absolutely doing and decided to go boxing (I ran an errand before I went). It was still raining so I walked to the gym in a jacket and all. I looked like a kid trying to run away from home with all my mismatched clothes (the jacket didn't go with the boxing outfit for the day, and it was cold so... Yeah). I reached the gym soaking wet only to find out that the gym was freezing cold due to the rain. There was hardly any people as usual, which meant I could hog the whole gym.

After 3 hours of sweating (I dried up pretty fast with the cold, it made me fatigued and pissed off), I decided to give up on such a pointless attempt to train and just take a hot shower before heading home. I got home wet, furious at the fact that it cost the damn tricycle 40 pesos just to get me home. Hell, I wouldn't have taken one if it wasn't raining cats and dogs! ... But rain is good. Really good. I like the rain.

After going through with the usual house routine, here I am. It's still raining and it's gotten even worse. I guess that storm warning they gave us was a little too early now wasn't it? Well screw that, I'm enjoying the night online in my room bumming around with a blue electric fan I named Pablo and my guitar whom I have yet to name. Either I've already named my guitar and just completely forgot, or I really haven't named him yet.

It's been a while since I've felt this cold in the Philippines. The only time this ever happens is when I go out bus tripping or hang out with me, myself and I at a cinema or something. Yes sad I know, but it gets me by just fine so no complaints from me.

I'm going to catch up on some sleep and wake up again later or something. I've got this horrible sleeping habit I can't shake off and I'm in the mood to just vent. There are just some things I can't talk about here though. There are things I consider too personal or just too stupid to say to even bother posting here so I'll put up vague hints in each of my posts just to see if anyone cares enough to notice.

Sometimes, I wonder if you're still alive. Logic tells me that there are so many ways to communicate with others that I would have heard from you by now if I even meant something to you. It's either that or faith. Faith tells me otherwise.

Fuck logic, I'm going with faith.

ku katakan dengan indah.

The Rapture didn't go as everyone planned. I'm not bragging or anything but this is the 5th end of the world I've survived to date. What's up? Aside from surviving the end of the world (again), I haven't really done much lately.

I'm usually up till around 4AM with a naps in between (nobody stops me anyway so I can't be fucked to sleep early unless I feel like it. I'll do what I want k) just playing games online or just watching videos and listening to music on Youtube. When 4AM hits, I usually just crash into bed and clean up my mess when I wake up. I don't share a room with anyone anymore so it's cool and all.

Of course there's that shit your pants thrill of someone just randomly peeking into your window at 2AM (huge windows, no curtains) what with all the noises going on outside. There was that one time I freaked myself out thinking my T-shirt hanging on the closet was some dude standing next to me but.. Yeah, let's not talk about that.

I haven't gone out exploring like I usually did ever since I got back from the province. Most of the time, I'd be at home playing bum and annoying the fuck out of everyone in the house with my moodswings. I bet there'll be another one in about 5 minutes. I miss just going out whenever I please enjoying the outside world, I can do that but there is no motivation to anymore. I guess I've gotten used to the Philippines.

That being said, I still do go out every 2 days though. I'd be in the boxing gym 4 times a week at most, but I usually just end up going 3 times a week nowadays. That doesn't count as exploring since it's a routine. I'd go boxing, do the 3 hour routine they give me and go back home.

Back at home, there wouldn't be anything productive to do after dinner. Each and everyone has their own thing, mine would be killing time on the PS2 or just playing the guitar, whatever floats my boat. At the end of each day (4AM for me), I just crash into bed, take a glimpse at my very unused phone and stare at the ceiling for a couple of minutes and "think" till I fall asleep.

Y'know what? Don't think, feel. It may be a very mental universe, but thinking in one will just drive you up the wall. Just feel your way through it all, and take things as they come. I'm not saying thinking is a bad thing, but there's a right time for that. The hardest thing to do in the world is to think and sometimes, some things just aren't cut out for thinking about. In boxing, the moment you try to think of what to do, that's when you lose. A human being can only do so much, thinking and fighting at the same time isn't one of them.

Have you ever loved and thought about it all? If you can think of it, if you can explain it, if you can fucking put it in your head and let people judge what you feel and tell you how they see it, then that isn't love. Love isn't a thought. You can't put love into a thought... But you can feel it.

The love, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever shit they may be, they're yours. Not mine, not anybody else's. Don't let ANYBODY, I don't give a fuck if it's the damn king of the world, nobody has the right to tell you what to think, what to feel, and what to do. To live is the rarest thing in the world, don't let another take that away from you.

The famous latin phrase from the poem of Horace, CARPE DIEM; Seize the day.

I love boxing, making music, playing the guitar and singing my guts out. I love staring at the stars, eating baked macaroni, crying my heart out because it feels good, and laughing my ass off because I can. I bite my nails, I'm afraid of bugs, I have diabetic tendencies and I'm an asshole to strangers. I'm in love with a girl who's older than me, who's so far away, who I can't be with, and I'm in love because I am, I don't know why and I don't need to know why, I just do.

You can think, feel and do whatever you want, it's a free world. To live by another's rules and not your own isn't living; that's living a lie.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't give a rat's ass what others think when it comes to what I want, what I do, and what I feel. It's mine, nobody else's. It's a big universe, make your own damn it.