honestly, i have been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me.

It's been ages since I've done a cover and put it online for people to see. I still play my guitar every chance I get, and I think I've improved quite a bit compared to how I played before. I'll probably upload a cover here and on Youtube instead of Facebook now. I've always thought of the guitar as something really special. In my head, playing a song on the guitar allows me to speak of words I myself cannot utter. I play the songs I play for a reason.

Life's been fine. Nothing special, just fine. I've been spending most of my time cooped up in my room on the laptop waiting for some divine miracle. My emotions the last couple of days have been affecting my actions and the people around me take it the wrong way. It's normal to me, but not to the people around me and for that, I've got to apologize. My moods and actions have been very apathetic but the apathy can't be helped. I'm not angry, or sad, or anything. Okay maybe I am, but whatever, I've just got a lot on my mind.

There's been so much on my mind that I just cannot think of what to talk about here anymore. There's just too many things to talk about, too many things left unsaid, too many things left unfinished, too many things left messy. I just cannot stand it, so I'll sit down. Hah. Y'know what, I think I'll just talk about what I did today.

I have this horrible routine where I'd sleep at around 11PM and wake up at 3AM. At that time, I just sit around staring at the ceiling, listening to music and thinking. Either that or I'd be online looking for something to do until I feel sleepy again. I usually end up falling asleep by 5AM. I end up waking up at 9.30AM, where the day begins. Today, I cleaned up my room, arranged my stuff, fixed my closet and fixed up my overly stuffed wallet.

One thing I've realized is that I keep far too many things for "remembrance". I found top-up cards from Brunei, my gym card, and other old cards that are of no use anymore. I also found a bunch of movie tickets and receipts from here and there. One of them was a receipt for dinner at Karate Kid. It brings back so many things... Good times. So much for that. I placed everything I considered a keepsake in my closet. My wallet's become really skinny.

To be honest, I like keeping things like that. It brings back memories and makes me feel like I've still got what I no longer have. It's depressing I know, but hey, we all do what we can to get by. Over the last couple of days, I've also realized just how much I care for some things. I just care far too much. Well, I already knew that before, but I thought I got rid of the characteristic, or whatever you call it.

I miss a certain people. A certain person to be exact. One last thing I've realized is that my mind still hasn't changed. Stubborn is as stubborn does, and I'm keeping my faith, I've got nothing to lose. This summer's been full of mistakes I just wouldn't learn from.

It's a quiet and rainy 3rd of June. I hope you all are enjoying it.

give me a sign.

My blog is a place where I keep my thoughts and opinions, some memories and reminders, and a SMALL bit of what goes on in my mind for people to see in a form of words. It's all me and there is no other. I like to give, and for my satisfaction, I express myself here. I give myself my own world and my own piece of mind here (Yeah, and people say I don't have my own world). No, I don't suffer from Alexithymia where I have a difficulty expressing feelings to other people, but yes I do have a tendency to have a hard time expressing myself unless if it were in a form of chatting or typing mainly because it just feels all the more simpler and less intense.

You're entitled to judge my sentiments and whatever I put in here according to your point of view, it's yours and yours alone and you can bloody keep it for all I care because I don't give a rat's ass about other people's criticism towards what I think, what came from me, what makes me who I am. There is nothing wrong with what you think, it comes from you, why would you think it's wrong in the first place?

Oh, by the way, the 14th of May was a pretty good day for me. It's 1 minute to the 15th of May, but whatever it's all good. Anyway, my day comprised of video games, mangoes and bananas, lots of lifting and a very worthwhile conversation with a relative. As you can read above, I've been talking about me, myself and I. Vain, self-centered or narcissistic as you may call it, at least I know where I stand. Always remember that you should never judge where you stand from another person's point of view. That's what I've been trying to say, read up. Don't get it? Let me clarify.

You have your life, your shit. Now, if you look at your shit from another person's point of view, wouldn't that make it their opinion of your shit? How would you feel taking someone's opinion of your bowels as your own? Doesn't that make you a photocopy, a fake, a lie? Don't be ashamed of yourself, "You are who you are and that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you" so Dr. Seuss says.

Your life, your shit. It's a universal understanding. If you don't get it, you probably aren't universal or whatever.. Scratch that. I was kidding, that made no sense. Going back to the topic, you should always, ALWAYS believe in yourself. Don't let another person tell you how to live your life, think of it and live it your way. In the end, when everything disappears, there will be nobody standing next to you, just you and your shit (I've really got to stop using shit as a metaphor, sorry).

Referring to my past post: "You don't need anybody or anything apart from yourself to be happy", yes that may be true, but that does not mean you can't have anybody or anything apart from yourself. If another person disagrees with something that has to do with you, or is against something from you, that's their shit, not yours. Don't feel bad now, they can either live with it or shove it up their ass anyway.

Concluding this post, don't let your life depend on another, don't let someone tell you how to live your life, and most of all, believe and you will achieve. It's your way or the highway, go out and live. Oh, and before you judge another person's life and how they're running it, take a good look at yourself first. When your shit becomes someone else's shit, you get into some deep shit so- OKAY I'll stop now. That, dear reader, is another story.

---

A whole month now, three weeks since. I know I'm stubborn, I know I'm still holding on, and I know I haven't given up yet but fuck what other people think, they cannot see what I see nor can they feel what I feel. I'm done thinking of what could have been, I'm thinking of what could be.. What could still be. In the words of Nico SB, an uncle and a brother by heart and blood:

"Believe, man. All you gotta do is believe it's still possible and it will be."

keepsakes and memories.

"Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time."

- John Mayer

I was lying in bed one day reminiscing on the past, and what's been going on the last couple of weeks. It's been one hell of a party in my head the past couple of days.

I'm not the kind of person who can easily let go of people, keepsakes and other things that have meant a significant value to me in my life. Accepting the fact that I've lost something so dear and important, not to others, but at least to me and in my mind, is something really fucking painful to be honest. I don't really become interested in something easily, nor do I fall for some situations, people and whatsoever... But when I do, I fall pretty fuckin' hard.

When situations like this happen, that line from John Mayer's song comes to mind. One side of me wants to accept it and just move on from all the pain and tears I had to go through, while the other just wants to bear with it and hold on, even if holding on is under every circumstances wrong already. Pain is only temporary.

Stubborn: that's the word. No matter how wrong it is, how bad it will be in the long run, how painful and stupid it could get, I just cannot let some things go. Like I said, I'm not someone who gets attached to anything that easily. You must've done something really impressive if that happened. It's one of the reasons I'm afraid of getting too attached to someone/something, why I keep to myself so much.

I'd hate to admit it, but this is one of the reasons why I am so clingy, needy, overly protective and possessive. Aside from that, there's that habit of easily getting jealous over something. Hey, at least I give a damn, okay. It may not seem like it, but when someone or something becomes important to me, I want to make sure he/she is always happy, always safe and secure. I don't really show it, but I try my best even with just the littlest things to make sure they know that I love them. It's not much, but it's the best I could do. As far as generosity and kindness goes, that's what I do.

Going back to the topic, letting go is never easy. Reader, know better than me and always remember: Good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. One side of me goes, "FUCK YES BETTER THINGS FOR ME!" while another just simply says, "why do my good things have to fall apart to become better?". Being blindly optimistic to my 'good things' I'd rather keep them as is than to have them fall apart for something better because I like to think they can be better without having to fall apart.

But you know the one thing I hate the most about letting go of something I've held on to dearly? It's knowing that once I let go, it'll be nothing but a distant memory of what had been and what could've been. Time wouldn't make a difference, be it short or long, real or fake, good or bad... It's the impact they made in your life that matters most of all.

... I'm lost. Back to square one.