if i weren't so young, stupid and reckless.

I had this really good idea for a blog post... But I forgot all about it on the way back home from an outing. I've been fixated on trying to get some time to myself over the last couple of days. Just me and nobody else. It's been quite hard to get that nowadays, but I'm not one to care how hard it is, I just want it. No housework to worry about, nobody to think of, nothing holding me back or caving me in, just me facing reality alone... Even if it's just for a day.

I told myself I'd ride the first bus I saw and take the furthest destination it went to... Okay fine, I didn't really take the first bus I saw but I took the first one that came my way. I'm the kind of person who enjoys really long rides by car, by bus or whatever that's air-conditioned. It gives me a sense of peace in my head, like I'm going somewhere far away to get to where I want to be. I just really fucking hate it when I'm stuck in one place for too long (don't ask how I survived Brunei).

I thought about a lot of things in the bus. Every single day is an adventure and learning experience if you know how to take it in. I ended up seeing so many different kinds of people, eating different things and just plain enjoying me, myself and I. Time flies when you're having fun, no matter how stupid the fun is. I even managed to watch a movie alone with a HUGE bag of popcorn (it was as big as my knapsack) and a HUGE cup of iced tea (it's as tall as my forearm).

I looked like a total slob walking into the cinema by myself carrying all that and a ticket. Just so fucking sick and lifeless! I found that funny, because no matter how disgusting or stupid it looked to others, I just didn't give a damn because I was having a good time. It goes to show just how much bliss you can give yourself if you just didn't give a damn about what anybody thought of you.

It feels good, man. The bus ride back was even greater than the ride going to where I was. There was traffic, rain and good music on my iPod going on. If you take time to enjoy the smallest things, it could mean a lot more to you somehow some way. A lot more than you think. At the end of the day, I got home with a huge grin on my face. I didn't do anything productive, but I felt accomplished in every way.

A little effort and some appreciation for yourself can go a long way. Think it, and it'll be yours.

give me a sign.

My blog is a place where I keep my thoughts and opinions, some memories and reminders, and a SMALL bit of what goes on in my mind for people to see in a form of words. It's all me and there is no other. I like to give, and for my satisfaction, I express myself here. I give myself my own world and my own piece of mind here (Yeah, and people say I don't have my own world). No, I don't suffer from Alexithymia where I have a difficulty expressing feelings to other people, but yes I do have a tendency to have a hard time expressing myself unless if it were in a form of chatting or typing mainly because it just feels all the more simpler and less intense.

You're entitled to judge my sentiments and whatever I put in here according to your point of view, it's yours and yours alone and you can bloody keep it for all I care because I don't give a rat's ass about other people's criticism towards what I think, what came from me, what makes me who I am. There is nothing wrong with what you think, it comes from you, why would you think it's wrong in the first place?

Oh, by the way, the 14th of May was a pretty good day for me. It's 1 minute to the 15th of May, but whatever it's all good. Anyway, my day comprised of video games, mangoes and bananas, lots of lifting and a very worthwhile conversation with a relative. As you can read above, I've been talking about me, myself and I. Vain, self-centered or narcissistic as you may call it, at least I know where I stand. Always remember that you should never judge where you stand from another person's point of view. That's what I've been trying to say, read up. Don't get it? Let me clarify.

You have your life, your shit. Now, if you look at your shit from another person's point of view, wouldn't that make it their opinion of your shit? How would you feel taking someone's opinion of your bowels as your own? Doesn't that make you a photocopy, a fake, a lie? Don't be ashamed of yourself, "You are who you are and that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you" so Dr. Seuss says.

Your life, your shit. It's a universal understanding. If you don't get it, you probably aren't universal or whatever.. Scratch that. I was kidding, that made no sense. Going back to the topic, you should always, ALWAYS believe in yourself. Don't let another person tell you how to live your life, think of it and live it your way. In the end, when everything disappears, there will be nobody standing next to you, just you and your shit (I've really got to stop using shit as a metaphor, sorry).

Referring to my past post: "You don't need anybody or anything apart from yourself to be happy", yes that may be true, but that does not mean you can't have anybody or anything apart from yourself. If another person disagrees with something that has to do with you, or is against something from you, that's their shit, not yours. Don't feel bad now, they can either live with it or shove it up their ass anyway.

Concluding this post, don't let your life depend on another, don't let someone tell you how to live your life, and most of all, believe and you will achieve. It's your way or the highway, go out and live. Oh, and before you judge another person's life and how they're running it, take a good look at yourself first. When your shit becomes someone else's shit, you get into some deep shit so- OKAY I'll stop now. That, dear reader, is another story.

---

A whole month now, three weeks since. I know I'm stubborn, I know I'm still holding on, and I know I haven't given up yet but fuck what other people think, they cannot see what I see nor can they feel what I feel. I'm done thinking of what could have been, I'm thinking of what could be.. What could still be. In the words of Nico SB, an uncle and a brother by heart and blood:

"Believe, man. All you gotta do is believe it's still possible and it will be."

the attraction? i dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

I'm leaving a ladder full of reasons

Along with a line that starts to blur

Into a page that says you faded away too young.

- Go Radio.

I thought I'd be well over the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I thought I'd be even stronger by now. I thought I would know better and forget about all the mistakes and wrong assumptions, all the reasons and problems I went through. Instead, here I am still dwelling on all the wasted time and effort, thinking of what could've been and what is real to me.

In a span of two weeks, I've learned that everybody is just a branch for you to learn about yourself more. That everybody is literally just another path that crossed yours. Most of all, I've learned that I don't need anybody or anything apart from me, myself and I to be happy. It sounds selfish, narcissistic and biased, but it is the truth. I mean, aren't we all?

Nobody owes nobody nothin'. You owe yourself.

- Rock Balboa (III)

I see things much clearer now than I did before. Knowing everything that I know now makes me feel so disgusted at who I was before. Who I am hates who I've been, just like the song, but like someone taught me, I should just be laughing at that. It's nothing anymore since the past has passed and that at least I know how much better I've changed now.

But just because I don't need anybody or anything to be happy apart from myself, it doesn't mean I can't have anybody or anything. Someone. Something. Maybe it's just me being lonely again. You can move heaven and hell to get what you want, but if what you want, your dreams and your hopes, includes another human being, it is just plain immoral. It's not right.

In other words, you can want all you want, you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything, and you sure as hell can't make someone do the same. Do as you please, but just you. Don't include anybody else.

---

Found this in google a while ago.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

love is like an ocean,

it goes down so deep.

love is like a rose,

whose beauty you want to keep.

love is like a river,

that will never end.

love is like a dove,

with a beautiful message to send.

love is like a song,

that goes on and on forever.

my love is like a prisoner,

it's to you that I surrender.

I miss you, having you around to talk to, have you around to laugh with. Most of all, I miss just being with you. Where has all this gone?

mighty fine.

Expressing myself is what I would call "a challenge". I know people who have no problem doing this. I also know people who have a massive dilemma whenever expressing themselves was needed.

I'm the kind of person who refuses the act of expression. I treat it like it's Math, I can't be fucked to bother. I'm more comfortable just going with the flow of the waves of life, keeping to myself unless it's necessary to peer out of my shell for a bit. It makes me feel comfortable, but I never realized until a few days back just how miserable and depressing it really is. I laughed at the irony.

Imagine how you're in your own shell, enjoying things and doing whatever possible to keep you occupied. Then you wonder why it feels so lonely. So, you decide to look for somebody to do something with. You convince said person to go out with you and enjoy yourselves and give the person a good time. After everything that's been said and done, you come back home and repeat cycle.

Yet, in every sense you still feel lonely. Sad. Out of place. Doesn't everybody get that sometimes? Well fine, SOME PEOPLE. I'm not saying all of us have this dilemma. I have it most of the time being someone who keeps to himself, being in my comfort zone far too giddy to even try getting out of it.

Just think about it: You don't express yourself to people, you just smile or laugh at the little things and then bug off and do your own thing. When you do say something, you just try to get some attention and run away from the facts you don't want to face. To hell with that, realization says that you could run and hide, but you won't get away. The fact of the matter is that people like that, me included, just refuse to face the bare facts.

We wonder why we're lonely, depressed, out of place and whatever shit so we try to run away from that by doing something or directing our attention to something else to forget the situation. We can keep doing that, but it will never last. Truth be told, it doesn't work that way. We find it easier to run, than to face our fears, and if that routine rubbish is not stopped, then our so-called fears will never go away.

Fear is what holds us all back from doing what we really want. We're afraid of doing this, doing that, because this might happen, that might explode, someone might react, someone might die... Whatever floats your boat. If we don't get rid of our fears, how can we expect to live life to the fullest and enjoy every little thing and be happy, to infinity and beyond?

We can only find that solution or remedy in ourselves and ourselves alone. To find it inside ourselves, we need to face our fears. To face our fears, we need to get out of our comfort zone. To get out of our comfort zone, we need to have the initiative to do that. That's why we can only do it ourselves, no help, no shortcut, nada. Me, myself and I. It goes on and on and you can't get to the finish line that never ends without doing this step by step plan full of win.

The irony of it all is that here I am telling you readers about the solution when the solution itself is something I can't achieve. Like I said, I laughed at the irony. This is my dilemma, my issue and problem that I treat as if it's rocket science. I just thought I'd give it to you all, y'know? One of these days... Talk about listening to my own advice. Do you now see where the post came from?

The source of all your problems will always be yourself. You want them out of your system, only you can do something about it, nobody else. Your life, your shit.

That was a great lesson I learned recently, don't you think?