passive aggressive.

"Bad luck.. or just outright stupid?"

The phrase that's summed up the last couple of days. I'd say I'm disappointed, but I saw it coming. Now, people are going to judge you and hate you for who you are. They're either jealous of you, or just insecure of their little fucked up lives. I'd say both, but that'd be too nice. You see, there are people you see in the movies are just so despicable, so sick and nasty you would never have expected to actually meet someone like that in reality living, breathing, fucking other peoples' lives up.

Now I don't give a fuck if this is going to offend anybody, hell, I've got nothing to lose anymore. Again, you see, I've been screwed over. My first instinct was to land a left hook on the said person's face, but that wouldn't be politically correct. Then I thought: revenge is only going to get me temporary satisfaction, so why do that? Now if you're someone I know or just a random reader, you're probably wondering, "What the hell is up with this guy?". I don't give a damn what you feel *cough* sorry, just kidding. Anyway, all I want to do right now is speak my mind. So let us start!

As I was saying, I've been screwed over. I can't blame anyone for my misfortune though. I'd be getting nowhere if I were just sitting around playing the blame game. I could tell you everything I thought was true, but some people just wouldn't believe it. Either that, or they just wouldn't care. Why? Corruption, that's why! We've all got what we've got like one man's treasure is another man's trash. The question is whether you're grateful, or just taking it for granted.

I think I've taken some people for granted. More or less, they've done the same with me. However, deep inside I know how important someone can really be and I value each and everything I've gotten and possessed up until the point they've disappeared or left. Here's a little question for you: How much do you value someone?

If you really valued someone, they'd come before anything else. Before you believe what another person says about something you valued, you'd question the value itself first. Now, let's put that to a person's perspective. Here's a BIG question for you: If you were me, who would you believe first? A friend you barely know, or a friend who's been there for you through thick and thin? A friend you just met, or a friend you've known for a while? Now, I know what you're thinking. The righteous would say the second option, the idiotic would say the first. Then again, you wouldn't be questioning yourself on decisions like this if you really knew what you valued. Do you see where I'm coming from here? No? Let me elaborate.

I have my own opinion on things. I stand up for myself, and I stand up for what I believe in. It's up to you to believe it or not. Now, referring to a statement I made up there (I mentioned corruption), there will be people in the world who are just so foul they'd manipulate what you've said and turn it against you. The stupid thing would be that you'd actually believe it. Let's say you did. Now apply all this to the BIG question. Would you play into the manipulation, or have faith in what you valued?

Here's what we learned. Don't believe in words you didn't hear yourself. They lead to assumptions and wrong accusations. Most of all, know your right from wrong, be careful who you trust, and before you fall into traps like this, think of what you've got to lose. We all know what we've got, it's just that we all didn't think we'd lose it, that's why we take some things for granted. Those things we took for granted in the end? They could have been true, but you chose to believe the lie instead because you didn't stop and think. When you finally realize you've fucked up, it'll have been too late.

You're going to regret this.

you'd help me out of the dark.

It's been a while since I've last blogged. A lot of things have changed nowadays. Inside, outside, and everything in between. I flunked my exams, the one that was supposed to finally get me into college and not repeat senior year a third fuckin' time. Seriously. Third time's the charm I guess? If you're wondering what the results were, here they are:

English / Filipino / Social Studies / Maths / Science
1 100 100 86 100 100
2 91 100 93 100 100
3 95 70 89 100 87

Okay, before I explain this, DO NOT ASK how I got everything in Math perfect. I do not know, it might probably just be a god damn miracle because I know I just tried my luck and picked the most plausible answer on the list without even doing the calculations.

Anyway, those are what I got out of those 600 fucking questions they made me answer within 10 hours. It was hell, I tell you. They all criticized and told me off on my decision of taking the exam despite my odds of passing in the first place. Aside from the fact that there were 600 questions, being a foreigner in my own country, and the argument on my condition, I took the exam anyway.

As you can see, I did pretty fucking well in my opinion. I've never, ever had social studies as a subject in Brunei, nor did I ever take formal lessons on Filipino. A divine miracle happened and I did not get a single mistake in Math, English went by just fine, and Science was not something I expected to get high in being the "Absent or Asleep" student that I was back in Brunei.

But I still did not pass the exam. Why? I got 70 for Filipino, on the very last set of questions. According to Filipino education, I need to have scored at least 75 and above for each and everyone of them. Just because I got everything perfect on the last two sets does not mean I'm exempted from that rule. So, long story short: If I got above 75, I'd be able to get into college.

But I didn't. So one measly flunk meant that I flunked the whole thing. Sigh. Do I at least get an A for effort? Too late, I'm sure.

***

On a brighter note, I've learned and picked up quite a few things about myself and other things over the last couple of days. I learned (or relearned. I probably forgot some as time passed):

1. I'm afraid of the dark, but I love the dark. It's soothing, subtle and romantic.
2. As much as I love boxing, nothing will beat the love I have for music, singing and guitars.
3. You can be rude, loud and obnoxious. You can be proud, and so on, but nothing describes you're strong more than being gentle. It takes a lot of strength to be gentle amidst all the dilemmas in the world. Lola taught me this.
4. I still have some traumas from the past I can't get over.
5. I still enjoy being very cheesy.

Nothing wraps up a night like a rant and some music to boot.

mighty fine.

Expressing myself is what I would call "a challenge". I know people who have no problem doing this. I also know people who have a massive dilemma whenever expressing themselves was needed.

I'm the kind of person who refuses the act of expression. I treat it like it's Math, I can't be fucked to bother. I'm more comfortable just going with the flow of the waves of life, keeping to myself unless it's necessary to peer out of my shell for a bit. It makes me feel comfortable, but I never realized until a few days back just how miserable and depressing it really is. I laughed at the irony.

Imagine how you're in your own shell, enjoying things and doing whatever possible to keep you occupied. Then you wonder why it feels so lonely. So, you decide to look for somebody to do something with. You convince said person to go out with you and enjoy yourselves and give the person a good time. After everything that's been said and done, you come back home and repeat cycle.

Yet, in every sense you still feel lonely. Sad. Out of place. Doesn't everybody get that sometimes? Well fine, SOME PEOPLE. I'm not saying all of us have this dilemma. I have it most of the time being someone who keeps to himself, being in my comfort zone far too giddy to even try getting out of it.

Just think about it: You don't express yourself to people, you just smile or laugh at the little things and then bug off and do your own thing. When you do say something, you just try to get some attention and run away from the facts you don't want to face. To hell with that, realization says that you could run and hide, but you won't get away. The fact of the matter is that people like that, me included, just refuse to face the bare facts.

We wonder why we're lonely, depressed, out of place and whatever shit so we try to run away from that by doing something or directing our attention to something else to forget the situation. We can keep doing that, but it will never last. Truth be told, it doesn't work that way. We find it easier to run, than to face our fears, and if that routine rubbish is not stopped, then our so-called fears will never go away.

Fear is what holds us all back from doing what we really want. We're afraid of doing this, doing that, because this might happen, that might explode, someone might react, someone might die... Whatever floats your boat. If we don't get rid of our fears, how can we expect to live life to the fullest and enjoy every little thing and be happy, to infinity and beyond?

We can only find that solution or remedy in ourselves and ourselves alone. To find it inside ourselves, we need to face our fears. To face our fears, we need to get out of our comfort zone. To get out of our comfort zone, we need to have the initiative to do that. That's why we can only do it ourselves, no help, no shortcut, nada. Me, myself and I. It goes on and on and you can't get to the finish line that never ends without doing this step by step plan full of win.

The irony of it all is that here I am telling you readers about the solution when the solution itself is something I can't achieve. Like I said, I laughed at the irony. This is my dilemma, my issue and problem that I treat as if it's rocket science. I just thought I'd give it to you all, y'know? One of these days... Talk about listening to my own advice. Do you now see where the post came from?

The source of all your problems will always be yourself. You want them out of your system, only you can do something about it, nobody else. Your life, your shit.

That was a great lesson I learned recently, don't you think?