the attraction? i dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

I'm leaving a ladder full of reasons

Along with a line that starts to blur

Into a page that says you faded away too young.

- Go Radio.

I thought I'd be well over the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I thought I'd be even stronger by now. I thought I would know better and forget about all the mistakes and wrong assumptions, all the reasons and problems I went through. Instead, here I am still dwelling on all the wasted time and effort, thinking of what could've been and what is real to me.

In a span of two weeks, I've learned that everybody is just a branch for you to learn about yourself more. That everybody is literally just another path that crossed yours. Most of all, I've learned that I don't need anybody or anything apart from me, myself and I to be happy. It sounds selfish, narcissistic and biased, but it is the truth. I mean, aren't we all?

Nobody owes nobody nothin'. You owe yourself.

- Rock Balboa (III)

I see things much clearer now than I did before. Knowing everything that I know now makes me feel so disgusted at who I was before. Who I am hates who I've been, just like the song, but like someone taught me, I should just be laughing at that. It's nothing anymore since the past has passed and that at least I know how much better I've changed now.

But just because I don't need anybody or anything to be happy apart from myself, it doesn't mean I can't have anybody or anything. Someone. Something. Maybe it's just me being lonely again. You can move heaven and hell to get what you want, but if what you want, your dreams and your hopes, includes another human being, it is just plain immoral. It's not right.

In other words, you can want all you want, you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything, and you sure as hell can't make someone do the same. Do as you please, but just you. Don't include anybody else.

---

Found this in google a while ago.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

love is like an ocean,

it goes down so deep.

love is like a rose,

whose beauty you want to keep.

love is like a river,

that will never end.

love is like a dove,

with a beautiful message to send.

love is like a song,

that goes on and on forever.

my love is like a prisoner,

it's to you that I surrender.

I miss you, having you around to talk to, have you around to laugh with. Most of all, I miss just being with you. Where has all this gone?

mighty fine.

Expressing myself is what I would call "a challenge". I know people who have no problem doing this. I also know people who have a massive dilemma whenever expressing themselves was needed.

I'm the kind of person who refuses the act of expression. I treat it like it's Math, I can't be fucked to bother. I'm more comfortable just going with the flow of the waves of life, keeping to myself unless it's necessary to peer out of my shell for a bit. It makes me feel comfortable, but I never realized until a few days back just how miserable and depressing it really is. I laughed at the irony.

Imagine how you're in your own shell, enjoying things and doing whatever possible to keep you occupied. Then you wonder why it feels so lonely. So, you decide to look for somebody to do something with. You convince said person to go out with you and enjoy yourselves and give the person a good time. After everything that's been said and done, you come back home and repeat cycle.

Yet, in every sense you still feel lonely. Sad. Out of place. Doesn't everybody get that sometimes? Well fine, SOME PEOPLE. I'm not saying all of us have this dilemma. I have it most of the time being someone who keeps to himself, being in my comfort zone far too giddy to even try getting out of it.

Just think about it: You don't express yourself to people, you just smile or laugh at the little things and then bug off and do your own thing. When you do say something, you just try to get some attention and run away from the facts you don't want to face. To hell with that, realization says that you could run and hide, but you won't get away. The fact of the matter is that people like that, me included, just refuse to face the bare facts.

We wonder why we're lonely, depressed, out of place and whatever shit so we try to run away from that by doing something or directing our attention to something else to forget the situation. We can keep doing that, but it will never last. Truth be told, it doesn't work that way. We find it easier to run, than to face our fears, and if that routine rubbish is not stopped, then our so-called fears will never go away.

Fear is what holds us all back from doing what we really want. We're afraid of doing this, doing that, because this might happen, that might explode, someone might react, someone might die... Whatever floats your boat. If we don't get rid of our fears, how can we expect to live life to the fullest and enjoy every little thing and be happy, to infinity and beyond?

We can only find that solution or remedy in ourselves and ourselves alone. To find it inside ourselves, we need to face our fears. To face our fears, we need to get out of our comfort zone. To get out of our comfort zone, we need to have the initiative to do that. That's why we can only do it ourselves, no help, no shortcut, nada. Me, myself and I. It goes on and on and you can't get to the finish line that never ends without doing this step by step plan full of win.

The irony of it all is that here I am telling you readers about the solution when the solution itself is something I can't achieve. Like I said, I laughed at the irony. This is my dilemma, my issue and problem that I treat as if it's rocket science. I just thought I'd give it to you all, y'know? One of these days... Talk about listening to my own advice. Do you now see where the post came from?

The source of all your problems will always be yourself. You want them out of your system, only you can do something about it, nobody else. Your life, your shit.

That was a great lesson I learned recently, don't you think?

this is very dissatisfying.

I rarely get any sleep most of the time, but on particular days in the life of Izaq Dumlao, I managed to finish reading a book called "The Case of the Missing Boyfriend" by Nick Alexander. It was a pretty OK book in my opinion. It was well thought out, very informative and there are a couple of things you can't forget and pick up along the way. One of the things I picked up from this book was a law I never really heard of until now. In the words of the book:

"Mona's Law apparently stares that everyone wants three things -- that happiness is made up of a three piece jigsaw: a good relationship, a nice place to live, and a good job. Mona's law stares that it is mathematically impossible to maintain more than two out of the three. The reason that Mona's Law appears so true is that the human brain is by nature dissatisfied.

Dissatisfaction is one of the defining features of being human, and if it were not the case we would still be happily living in trees and eating bananas. The way we modern apes channel our dissatisfaction is to look at our three-piece puzzle and focus all of our capacity for dissatisfaction on the least successful third of our lives until the situation becomes, or at least appears to become, untenable. Equally, the human brain, unable to think about more than one problem at a time, creates a rosy pretence that the other two thirds are, for now at least, just dandy.

So when we're in a bad relationship we throw ourselves with relief at our jobs. It's not that the job is perfect, it's simply that we are too busy funneling our angst at the unsatisfactory home-life to care. We need to pretend that the job and the flat are fine just to survive. Equally, the day we fall in love, the job doesn't actually get any worse... it's simply that because we no longer need it to escape the awful ex (and because we would rather stay in bed shagging) we direct our angst at the job."

Now, how true is that, ladies and gentlemen? We are all very dissatisfied people, what is your say?

Another thing I picked up on that little e-book of mine was depression. No, it's not what you think. Just read it:

Depression is a feeling that comes from three things:

1. The feeling of unworthiness.

2. The feeling of hopelessness.

3. The feeling of entrapment.

To get over rubbish like this:

Step 1. Know your problems.

Step 2. Plan a solution for your problems.

Step 3. Imagine your solutions are already reality.

Step 4. Forget the negative, go with positive.

Step 5. Take action to making your solutions a reality.

Okay, so the protagonist of the book was reading a self-help book. But hey, a little knowledge wouldn't hurt every once in a while now would it? Enjoy.