take me back to the sleepless nights, the stupid fights.

"Just don't forget this, we won't regret this. We've got one chance to get it right."

- The Maine (We All Roll Along)

It's already June 14th, time flies so fucking fast now doesn't it? It's as if it was only yesterday that... Yeah. One can only look back so many times to the days that have passed. An important somebody once told me that frustration is a feeling where you can't accept the fact that you weren't able to do something. You end up annoyed or angry, somewhere along those lines.

I know I said I've lost my frustration already, but I don't think that was very accurate. I think I only meant to say that my frustration disappeared during those moments. I have to figure out what's frustrating my ass. Truth be told, I already know what's frustrating me, I just don't want to admit it. I just don't want to face that.

I'm going to settle my business with school tomorrow so that maybe, hopefully I can start school by next week. I don't know what to expect with school here in the Philippines. I've been so used to the sleeping habit in Brunei that I'm afraid I might just do the same here. I'd walk in, go to my desk, drop my things and sleep. When a teacher shows up, get up to greet, sit and stare and somehow fall asleep after a bit. Hardworking, no?

I'm not going to lie, I'm one hell of a lazy ass, but when it comes right down to it I really do try my best to study and all... but only when I feel like it. That feeling comes rarely, but I've always managed to get good grades even if I am like that. At least I think so! I don't think anything they teach in school is necessary for me to survive reality, but knowledge is always welcome to enter my head, useful to me or not.

Anyway, going back to topic: Yes, I don't know what to expect. I'm pretty sure school life here is different in every aspect compared to school in Brunei. What's even more different is that this isn't high school anymore. I cannot imagine what the classrooms will be like, the lectures, the classmates, pretty much everything. Being a pessimist, I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. *grin*

Only time will tell what our future holds. What exactly we're destined to do, and all that pizazz. Yeah, only time will tell, but nobody else in the world can shape my future except for me.

The fate of my future is in the balance! I must no- okay, no.

save your breath and i'll talk instead.

There are people who put up plastic faces. Faces they show to others, faces they want others to believe are genuine. These people are full of shit. To hide the truth is not only lying to others, but lying to yourself. Some people would go to any lengths to prove their plastic face is real, some people even wind up insane believing it's real even when they know deep down it's a complete fake.

I'm not going to hide anything, in my own honest opinion there are just some people in the world that aren't worth being real to. What you see is what you get, and that's what I'm going to give you. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not going to lie if I know inside that I like it, nor will I just be nice and say that I do even when I know I don't. Of course, that's just me. What about you?

Some call it being heartless, I call it being brutally honest. For example, you are about to be given a cupcake. Would you rather have the one that's bitter but sugar coated with something sweet, or the one that's bitter and nothing else? Don't tell me you won't pick the one with the sugar coating, because a vast majority would do just that.

In all honesty, that's what everyone wants in the world. People who sugar coat them with what they think is nice. Only a select few in the world want to face the bitter reality. Different people put up different kinds of defense mechanisms so they won't get hurt, so they don't have to face the bitterness, so they can get away and escape from reality.

A friend of mine once said, "escaping reality is like escaping the trial meant for you to go through in order to begin your journey of self discovery". The point I'm trying to make is obvious, don't try to escape reality. You're only fooling yourself if you think escaping reality is living. It isn't.

By escaping reality, you're only lying to yourself for not facing the truth, for not facing the fact that what is is what is. You'd be living a lie, hell, you'd be a lie. You'd be putting up a plastic face for everyone to see, because the real you inside that face doesn't want to face what's in front of you. You'd only be trying to convince yourself that a lie is the truth. It's pathetic, it's disgusting, it's fucking stupid.

To know the truth, and cover it up with lies because you don't want to face it... How low can you get? It's like saying you love someone, but holding it back and saying you don't because you're afraid of the truth. You're in denial and murdering a part of your world. What's worse is getting caught in the act. It's not so bad if nobody knows, but once you get caught doing this, every image about you is completely shattered.

All the truths you've said in the past are now moot after what you did, and moving on from that, how can you expect someone to believe what you say anymore? In the end, everything you say and will say will just end up as a doubt, nothing believable anymore. You've done it once, you can do it again. It's all face value from there.

Face reality, don't kill it.

the attraction? i dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

I'm leaving a ladder full of reasons

Along with a line that starts to blur

Into a page that says you faded away too young.

- Go Radio.

I thought I'd be well over the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I thought I'd be even stronger by now. I thought I would know better and forget about all the mistakes and wrong assumptions, all the reasons and problems I went through. Instead, here I am still dwelling on all the wasted time and effort, thinking of what could've been and what is real to me.

In a span of two weeks, I've learned that everybody is just a branch for you to learn about yourself more. That everybody is literally just another path that crossed yours. Most of all, I've learned that I don't need anybody or anything apart from me, myself and I to be happy. It sounds selfish, narcissistic and biased, but it is the truth. I mean, aren't we all?

Nobody owes nobody nothin'. You owe yourself.

- Rock Balboa (III)

I see things much clearer now than I did before. Knowing everything that I know now makes me feel so disgusted at who I was before. Who I am hates who I've been, just like the song, but like someone taught me, I should just be laughing at that. It's nothing anymore since the past has passed and that at least I know how much better I've changed now.

But just because I don't need anybody or anything to be happy apart from myself, it doesn't mean I can't have anybody or anything. Someone. Something. Maybe it's just me being lonely again. You can move heaven and hell to get what you want, but if what you want, your dreams and your hopes, includes another human being, it is just plain immoral. It's not right.

In other words, you can want all you want, you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything, and you sure as hell can't make someone do the same. Do as you please, but just you. Don't include anybody else.

---

Found this in google a while ago.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

love is like an ocean,

it goes down so deep.

love is like a rose,

whose beauty you want to keep.

love is like a river,

that will never end.

love is like a dove,

with a beautiful message to send.

love is like a song,

that goes on and on forever.

my love is like a prisoner,

it's to you that I surrender.

I miss you, having you around to talk to, have you around to laugh with. Most of all, I miss just being with you. Where has all this gone?

sleeping with reality.

I swear nobody gets up for work at 5AM on a Sunday unless they've got an event to be at or something. I guess it's just me. I don't know why, but sleeping has never really been an issue for me. I consider it a privilege instead of a need.

I've been the type to not be able to sleep until about 2AM due to a caffeine rush. Then again, I never really did mind because I could just lie here and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. Okay fine, maybe I mind... Just a little.

The sleeping is the easy part, it's the waking up that gets us all don't you think? Being able to escape to our own sanctuary to enjoy and kick back from reality and just float around in your imagination. Doing as you please being "lord and master" of your own little world in your head.

Then after all that silent bliss, you wake up feeling refreshed, happy and just plain care-free. Until of course, reality decides to drive a truck right fucking into your consciousness and you suddenly remember all the dilemmas and predicaments you have to deal with in this black and white world.

That's when you just feel weak, numb, or far too lazy to get up. You just want to stay in that little notion of what reality should be like, that fancy little piece of infinity you have etched in your mind, but reality always wins.

And that's life, that's how it is and that's just the way things are. No matter how hard you drive, the truck of reality will always run you over, and we just have to accept it. Living in denial just means you're heading towards an inevitable car crash against reality.

Nobody wants to be a wreck. Take things as they come, it won't hurt. Accepting the facts means you just might be able to do something about it. Don't succumb to the negativity creeping around life, because no problem is permanent, there will always be a solution.

Get up, go out, live. That little fantasy in your head can be a reality, all you've got to do is dream big and go for it. With your dreams, not even the sky is the limit, so it's up to you to make your dreams happen.

And to think, all this came from a good night's sleep? Huh.