admittedly, subliminally.

For as long as I can remember, I've always believed that it's better to speak your mind and be straightforward than to just sugar coat everything with sympathy. As far as I know, sympathy never got you anything or anywhere except for self satisfaction, self pity. People get used to sympathy. It's just life. Sympathy is just a nicer way of saying someone feels bad about you. I don't know, it's just how I think.

Aside from that, I've also always thought that it's better to speak the harsh truth than to cover everything up with lies. A vast majority of people are just far too scared to face the truth, to face reality. It's going to hurt, but there's no gain without pain. If you can't face the harshness of life itself, then how the hell do you expect to survive?

Covering yourself up with lies to protect yourself from getting hurt is just pathetic. Sugarcoating yourself with sympathy doesn't make anything any better either. It just wastes your time. All these 'defense mechanisms' to protect yourself? All this negativity you surround yourself in? Don't waste your time.

Hah, I know I've talked about and posted about this before... But for someone like me, it's going to be something I need to face each and everyday. Entering a completely different lifestyle and culture, it's a fact that it shouldn't be them who should adjust to me but me who should adjust to them as unfair as it is (Although it'd be so much better if it were the other way around).

I have a habit to speak my mind and not realize I'm already hurting others with what I'm saying. As harsh as that is, that is who I am. I'm not going to change for anyone around here because I'm just not sensitive that way. I just don't care. It's so hard to live in a mindset where you can find nobody around you who can understand you, what more be able to be on level with what you're thinking of or talking about.

It's unfair, but it's the harsh truth, and like everyone out there, the harsh truth is something I've got to face too.

while the image of you shatters and fades away, i still scramble to pick up the pieces.

There's roughly 7 billion people in the world. Roughly 3.5 billion of that are the women. There are so many women... So many different kinds of women. No, I don't wanna talk about all 3.5 billion of them, I just want to talk about ones I've seen or met from my point of view. Don't judge me from what I'm about to talk about, I know I'm bashing on some women and I sure as hell know not all of you are like this, but hey, you wouldn't be offended if you weren't one of them.

I've gotten to know quite a number of women in school in the very short time I've been there. I'm not naming fingers or pointing names, I'm just speaking in general that some girls are... well, evil in a way. Some girls are like bad habits. In tagalog, we call it 'bisyo'. Like smoking or drinking, they'll give you satisfaction, they'll make you feel good... But in the long run, they'll trip you up, they'll steer you wrong, and they will hurt you bad. Worst of all, you just can't help but keep coming back 'cause they make you feel good, 'cause you think you're happy and satisfied.. 'cause you're addicted.

These kinds of women, stay VERY far away from them. They're just going to use you, take advantage of you, and when they're done using the hell out of you, they're just going to disappear and forget you even exist. They are not going to feel bad about it, because they get what they wanted out of you,so it's a lose-lose situation for us men. Now, seeing just how many women are like this in school just scares me. You can trust no one but yourself when it comes down to who you're friends with, so pick your friends... And choose wisely.

There are other kinds of girls too. Some of them are quiet, kind, mysterious... But most of the time just plain clueless. There are some who are loud, obnoxious, and attention seeking... but all that aside they're just really dim. There are also those who are in every aspect nice to you... until you have your back turned. Some who just plain look down on you, some who just think they're far better than anyone else, some who just always need to be in the spotlight, some who just gossip till their asses fall off, some who have no asses, some who are not even worth talking to because of their bitch attitude.

This is the worst aspect you could possibly see in a woman, and not all of them are like that, but hell, there are only a handful who aren't. When you get one who isn't... Well, evil in general, don't let her go, because they're the ones who are just worth your time be it friend, special someone or family. The point of this post is that no matter how horrible you think someone is, be nice anyway... Just be on guard, and don't let them take advantage of you. There is never a good reason to be bad, nor is there ever a good reason to not be nice to someone.

Now with all this on women, I wouldn't say men are any different. We're all just as bad as everyone is, not one of us here is 'clean'. Not anymore.

---

I've gotten out of shape, mainly because I've been sick for weeks now, and it only got worse a couple of days ago. I want so badly to get back to boxing, but I can't until I get rid of the sickness. I don't get sick easily, I'm pretty sure of that... But when I do get sick, it's pretty bad most of the time. As of right now, I've gotten better, but the headache's still there. Aside from that, I've been doing better than usual everywhere else over the last couple of weeks. A little complacency would be nice, but I just don't feel anywhere near satisfied yet.

tell me i'm a wreck.

Some people are assholes. I sat with an autistic guy on the bus on the way back from an outing by myself. Two guys laughed at him. Making fun of him, y'know. He saw me holding a cake, then told me he was claustrophobic. First thing I said was, 'why did you ride a bus in the first place?' ... Followed by 'Be careful, I hope you know where you're supposed to go down'.

He was a twitchy character. He rocked back and forth in his seat and he couldn't stop fiddling with anything he owned on the bus. He was becoming pretty violent and pushy being claustrophobic and all, but I guess it was fine. He just wanted to get home. He got off eventually, was glad for him.

There are a lot of autistic people in the world. They have special needs, and they didn't have a choice. It's not like they wanted to be like that when they were born. Being autistic does not make someone any different from anybody else in the world. Just because one seems bad on the outside doesn't mean he's bad on the inside too. Have a heart for these people, because they have one too.

give me a sign.

My blog is a place where I keep my thoughts and opinions, some memories and reminders, and a SMALL bit of what goes on in my mind for people to see in a form of words. It's all me and there is no other. I like to give, and for my satisfaction, I express myself here. I give myself my own world and my own piece of mind here (Yeah, and people say I don't have my own world). No, I don't suffer from Alexithymia where I have a difficulty expressing feelings to other people, but yes I do have a tendency to have a hard time expressing myself unless if it were in a form of chatting or typing mainly because it just feels all the more simpler and less intense.

You're entitled to judge my sentiments and whatever I put in here according to your point of view, it's yours and yours alone and you can bloody keep it for all I care because I don't give a rat's ass about other people's criticism towards what I think, what came from me, what makes me who I am. There is nothing wrong with what you think, it comes from you, why would you think it's wrong in the first place?

Oh, by the way, the 14th of May was a pretty good day for me. It's 1 minute to the 15th of May, but whatever it's all good. Anyway, my day comprised of video games, mangoes and bananas, lots of lifting and a very worthwhile conversation with a relative. As you can read above, I've been talking about me, myself and I. Vain, self-centered or narcissistic as you may call it, at least I know where I stand. Always remember that you should never judge where you stand from another person's point of view. That's what I've been trying to say, read up. Don't get it? Let me clarify.

You have your life, your shit. Now, if you look at your shit from another person's point of view, wouldn't that make it their opinion of your shit? How would you feel taking someone's opinion of your bowels as your own? Doesn't that make you a photocopy, a fake, a lie? Don't be ashamed of yourself, "You are who you are and that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you" so Dr. Seuss says.

Your life, your shit. It's a universal understanding. If you don't get it, you probably aren't universal or whatever.. Scratch that. I was kidding, that made no sense. Going back to the topic, you should always, ALWAYS believe in yourself. Don't let another person tell you how to live your life, think of it and live it your way. In the end, when everything disappears, there will be nobody standing next to you, just you and your shit (I've really got to stop using shit as a metaphor, sorry).

Referring to my past post: "You don't need anybody or anything apart from yourself to be happy", yes that may be true, but that does not mean you can't have anybody or anything apart from yourself. If another person disagrees with something that has to do with you, or is against something from you, that's their shit, not yours. Don't feel bad now, they can either live with it or shove it up their ass anyway.

Concluding this post, don't let your life depend on another, don't let someone tell you how to live your life, and most of all, believe and you will achieve. It's your way or the highway, go out and live. Oh, and before you judge another person's life and how they're running it, take a good look at yourself first. When your shit becomes someone else's shit, you get into some deep shit so- OKAY I'll stop now. That, dear reader, is another story.

---

A whole month now, three weeks since. I know I'm stubborn, I know I'm still holding on, and I know I haven't given up yet but fuck what other people think, they cannot see what I see nor can they feel what I feel. I'm done thinking of what could have been, I'm thinking of what could be.. What could still be. In the words of Nico SB, an uncle and a brother by heart and blood:

"Believe, man. All you gotta do is believe it's still possible and it will be."

love over luxury.

I've done things I'm proud of, things I'm proud to say I accomplished and achieved, things I worked hard on and paid off eventually. However proud I may be for the handful of physical, mental and material achievements I've gained, there are also things I've done that I'm not proud of.

I've made wrong decisions, big mistakes, and stupid actions. Yet after all the mayhem and chaos I've caused, here I am in one piece, alive and well. Why? No, it's not because I haven't screwed up hard enough (Well, maybe..), but I like to think that it's because I learn from all the crap I do.

You can tell me not to do this and teach me how to do that, but as stubborn and arrogant as I am (I take a lot of pride in myself), I'll do it my way, do or die. Like everybody says, if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger, right? Well, that's the intention of whatever I go through and deal with.

There will be the non-believers, the haters, the jealous critics and the believers in whatever you do. The non-believers think you can't do it, that you're "weaksauce" and that you're making it up. The haters just plain hate you and want to bash your face in because you do what you do. The jealous critics criticize, duh, and make fun of your accomplishments and belittle them. Then there are your believers, the ones who motivate you and push you to keep going and do your best in whatever you put in.

As stereotypical as my description sounds, I pay no attention to any of them except for the believers. Utilize these people well, because they're the only ones that should matter aside from yourself in whatever you do. You may be an athlete, a musician, or the greatest accountant in the world. You are who you are.

Everything's a lesson, you just need to utilize it to your benefit. Whatever you go through is your life, and it's your shit, nobody else's, so don't let someone else dig into your shit. Walk a mile in someone's shoes before you judge them with what they do, because your judgement is what you really are underneath.

untangle me.

Everybody has their own weaknesses and insecurities. I grew up feeling belittled, underestimated and told I was too young too understand, that these "older" people know more than I do in every given aspect and manner so I shouldn't question their knowledge.

Yes. It's true that older people know more than me, that I will learn only through experience and passed on knowledge. However, that does not give them the right to fucking belittle me and push me down because they know better.

I may be young, stupid and reckless but that does not mean I know nothing useful about the world. I want to learn, to grow. Given the facts, this insecurity only makes me want to go the distance and prove everyone wrong. That anything they can do, I can do better.

Just a little knowledge passed, some hard work and a chance. Just one chance to show i'm not something you should be underestimating because I'm more than just a guy with hopes and dreams.

Yes, it makes me come out as cocky and ignorant, but hell, if you can back yourself up with evidence and facts, what do you have to lose? Shove it up the other's ass if he doesn't know what's good for him. Even so, you don't have every right to be full of yourself if you've got it. When you see a mistake, don't allow it. Correct it. That's it. It's a matter of how you take it in.

Another weakness I have inside me is the tendency to think I don't belong, whatever it may be. In class discussions, in groups of friends, in certain ways, I just want to feel like I belong in the world.

I hated the feeling of being left out, pushed away because I'm not "included" or considered "not good enough". Bullshit like that, I'm pretty sure I'm good enough for everything if I set my mind to it and work hard.

Simply put in the words of John Rzeznik, a moment to be real, to touch things I don't feel, just to hold on and feel like I belong. All these insecurities and weaknesses, it feels pathetic.

Then again, I've learnt to accept the facts and face them, that I am who I am and I can only change for the better. I'm happy being all happy-go- lucky and carefree thinking of all the good things in life even if it makes me come out as someone who's just plain immature and full of jokes.

Just because I am what I am doesn't mean when given the right moment or time, I can't be mature or serious. I don't need someone to tell me to do that, I'm just happy acting like I'm 12 trying to enjoy all the good things in life and taking out the bad in the world.

Be careful of your judgements, they're not usually right. It takes a whole book to write a story, and every chapter is different from the other, so you can't tell what it is from one measly cover. Some people don't get it, but that just isn't any of my concern because I'll be too busy enjoying life while these "people" make their judgement.