remembering sunday.

"Forgiveness is a quality of the strong because the weak cannot bear to forgive."

If you think logically, that quote is pretty accurate. Forgiveness involves doing a lot of things, that's why only the strong can manage to do it. To forgive another, you should first accept the fact that you're wrong. You need to have the balls to admit it and accept defeat. Next, you've got to acknowledge your mistakes. Then, you have to take responsibility for your actions. You need to take action, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

Believe me, it's easier said than done. Holding a grudge on someone will only make you feel worse as it is, so forgive and move the fuck on. However, forgiving does not always mean you're the one at fault. That's why there's the word "for" and the word "give" in it. You give way for someone else. Be the bigger person, you don't have to win everything to be a winner, you've already won if you think so.

In tagalog, we say 'pagpasensyahan'. In malay, we say 'memaafkan'. You don't need anyone else's approval to forgive, you just need your own peace of mind. You don't need any material things to forgive, you just need to have a heart. There are people who are really forgiving, but being forgiving does not mean they're doormats and pushovers you can take advantage of. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive because forgiveness is strength, but another thing even harder to do is forgiving yourself.

Before you can forgive another, you've got to first know how to forgive yourself. Accept and take responsibilities of your flaws and let it go, move forward. You'll be at peace with yourself, and you don't need anyone else but you to do that.

Be strong. Be forgiving. You're way ahead.

all i needed was a call that never came.

I have been spacing out every now and again but I have no solid explanation as to why it's happening. The most plausible conclusion I made for it was because I've been thinking too much again. I feel like I think so much that I just don't even realize I'm thinking, that I don't even know what I'm thinking about anymore.

Things are happening too fast again. It's as if the whole world's spinning faster than normal. Maybe it's just me being sleepy. Let's experiment: I'll sleep now, and wake up again at around 3AM and see if I feel any different. Aaaand.. Out.

---

It's 3.45AM. I feel even worse. This really puts things into perspective. Never think in the middle of the night half conscious and half aware of anything around you.

Then again, I guess this mood/feeling is better than anything else during the day. It's so quiet and peaceful, inside and outside. As if every problem in the world stopped and everyone's all happy and in sync with everything else. Either this is just me thinking in a very introverted way, or I'm just really nocturnal. To put it correctly, maybe everyone's already in sync with everything else and it's just me who's really out of sync here.

All this ranting is making me feel hungry too. Mmmm.. Food. My most favorite food in the whole world is macaroni and chees- Oops, sorry I went out of topic there. Really though, it's my most favorite food in the whole wo- Okay, I'll stop now.

The best thing to describe this mood/feeling is 'tired'. I had a post about this feeling before and I described it as 'something missing'. Yes, maybe I'm just lonely. Or depressed or some shit. Whatever, don't judge me. I'm only human and I'm sure you are too. We all feel a little fucked up sometimes.

To wrap this up, it's a kind of tired that sleep can't fix.

if i weren't so young, stupid and reckless.

I had this really good idea for a blog post... But I forgot all about it on the way back home from an outing. I've been fixated on trying to get some time to myself over the last couple of days. Just me and nobody else. It's been quite hard to get that nowadays, but I'm not one to care how hard it is, I just want it. No housework to worry about, nobody to think of, nothing holding me back or caving me in, just me facing reality alone... Even if it's just for a day.

I told myself I'd ride the first bus I saw and take the furthest destination it went to... Okay fine, I didn't really take the first bus I saw but I took the first one that came my way. I'm the kind of person who enjoys really long rides by car, by bus or whatever that's air-conditioned. It gives me a sense of peace in my head, like I'm going somewhere far away to get to where I want to be. I just really fucking hate it when I'm stuck in one place for too long (don't ask how I survived Brunei).

I thought about a lot of things in the bus. Every single day is an adventure and learning experience if you know how to take it in. I ended up seeing so many different kinds of people, eating different things and just plain enjoying me, myself and I. Time flies when you're having fun, no matter how stupid the fun is. I even managed to watch a movie alone with a HUGE bag of popcorn (it was as big as my knapsack) and a HUGE cup of iced tea (it's as tall as my forearm).

I looked like a total slob walking into the cinema by myself carrying all that and a ticket. Just so fucking sick and lifeless! I found that funny, because no matter how disgusting or stupid it looked to others, I just didn't give a damn because I was having a good time. It goes to show just how much bliss you can give yourself if you just didn't give a damn about what anybody thought of you.

It feels good, man. The bus ride back was even greater than the ride going to where I was. There was traffic, rain and good music on my iPod going on. If you take time to enjoy the smallest things, it could mean a lot more to you somehow some way. A lot more than you think. At the end of the day, I got home with a huge grin on my face. I didn't do anything productive, but I felt accomplished in every way.

A little effort and some appreciation for yourself can go a long way. Think it, and it'll be yours.

we'll be a dream.

hope

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. To look forward to with confidence or expectation.

3. To expect and desire.

4. A source of mental strength and belief.

I started my day with a plan. I intended to go to a place, for some peace and quiet, a bit of studying, a little leisure and enjoyment at most. A certain someone in my life decided she wanted to come along too. I was told we'd leave right after she finished her workload. An hour of sweat, patience and work later, she finished. Oh, it didn't end there, instead she decided to take some time to do what she wanted, not thinking that there was someone waiting for her.

Ticked off and full of disappointment, I stormed off alone. A few minutes later, I received a text from her asking where I was. The patient and forgiving bastard that I am decided to tell her and wait for her to show up anyway. Of course, I gave her a piece of my mind telling her off for what she did (Don't say you're showing up for something if you don't intend to in the first place or aren't sure to make it anyway because anything can change in the very last minute. You can end up disappointing and hurting people), but I'm just a little too fucking nice for some stupid reason. Another hour or two of waiting later (I'm too pissed off to be sure), she still doesn't show up so I leave my waiting spot to eat and explore. 4 places later, she pops up. She drags me along with her to do her errands. Well whoop-di-fucking-do.

Before that I asked where she wanted to go, trying to be polite. I was given the idea that after all these errands, I'd finally be able to follow through with my plan. Right before she'd finish her workload, again, I sat in a shop and waited. To make sure I'd know how long she took, I looked at the time. 5:45PM. Cool, right? Yeah, well I left the shop at 7:30PM. Alone. She never showed up. No text, nothing.

Hell, I would have been fine with it actually, but did I get a rain check? Did I get a reconfirmation? No, not a word. I was a sitting idiot waiting for nearly 2 hours (This just proves how Taureans are the most patient of the Zodiac) AGAIN. She could have texted half an hour later or something saying she just couldn't make it, or how something came up or at least gave the decency to say she changed her mind.

The best bit of my long day? Right after I stormed off to eat dinner, I received a text from said person to come home and do my chores. Pissed off and hungry as it is (Not to mention I didn't even manage to follow through with my plan), I replied NICELY that I was just going to eat dinner. She assumed I just didn't want to eat dinner at home. No, wrong. I already had an order coming up that was paid for. Aside from that, it was a plan set in stone for me to eat out since the very beginning of the day. The moment I got home, I got bombarded with a lecture about dinner, being inconsiderate and uninformative and my chores being incomplete for two days already. Okay so it's my fault that I didn't do my chores, and it's my fault for not telling them my plans in the first place (Just for the record, everyone in the household was asleep and I just thought she'd be thoughtful enough to mention my plans to someone of authority at home which she knew clearly, though I could've texted too and told someone. Damn it, scratch that then).

Lesson learned. I can't blame the person though, it'll be pointless and doing that won't get anywhere. It was my stupidity and idiocy alone that decided what I decided and followed through with something that wasn't likely to happen in the first place. Now, I'm just so pissed off with myself for being so stupid. This could all have been avoided, but I didn't think it through. I was just too busy hoping, blinded.

It just hurts, y'know? That wasn't nice at all. Not for me, at least.

Today, I learned that I should really think my plans through and tell someone about it before I act. I learned that I shouldn't hope too big, it'll save me the disappointment and getting hurt in the end. Most of all, I learned that I should know my limits; to know when enough is enough. Oh I don't know, what do you think, reader? Wait, don't answer that, I'd only be looking for approval. I hope you learned something here, this was first-hand experience.

PS: To said person, if you somehow end up reading this: Thank you for the long and memorable day, I learned a lot today. Don't bother apologizing, you didn't do anything wrong, I guess.

Before I end this post, I'd just like to say We The Kings' Smile Kid album isn't so bad, but it isn't anywhere near good either. They could've done better.