admittedly, subliminally.

For as long as I can remember, I've always believed that it's better to speak your mind and be straightforward than to just sugar coat everything with sympathy. As far as I know, sympathy never got you anything or anywhere except for self satisfaction, self pity. People get used to sympathy. It's just life. Sympathy is just a nicer way of saying someone feels bad about you. I don't know, it's just how I think.

Aside from that, I've also always thought that it's better to speak the harsh truth than to cover everything up with lies. A vast majority of people are just far too scared to face the truth, to face reality. It's going to hurt, but there's no gain without pain. If you can't face the harshness of life itself, then how the hell do you expect to survive?

Covering yourself up with lies to protect yourself from getting hurt is just pathetic. Sugarcoating yourself with sympathy doesn't make anything any better either. It just wastes your time. All these 'defense mechanisms' to protect yourself? All this negativity you surround yourself in? Don't waste your time.

Hah, I know I've talked about and posted about this before... But for someone like me, it's going to be something I need to face each and everyday. Entering a completely different lifestyle and culture, it's a fact that it shouldn't be them who should adjust to me but me who should adjust to them as unfair as it is (Although it'd be so much better if it were the other way around).

I have a habit to speak my mind and not realize I'm already hurting others with what I'm saying. As harsh as that is, that is who I am. I'm not going to change for anyone around here because I'm just not sensitive that way. I just don't care. It's so hard to live in a mindset where you can find nobody around you who can understand you, what more be able to be on level with what you're thinking of or talking about.

It's unfair, but it's the harsh truth, and like everyone out there, the harsh truth is something I've got to face too.

when the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound.

'tis another 14th of July. How fast time flies.

I just can't move forward without taking two steps back.

Preliminaries are going on and I've been on edge since it's started.

School's great nonetheless. Being with people my age makes things worthwhile.

I've got 3 papers left before this thing ends.

Then it's back to normal. Prelims are fun.

Life's good, but still incomplete.

It's a long way to infinity.

while the image of you shatters and fades away, i still scramble to pick up the pieces.

There's roughly 7 billion people in the world. Roughly 3.5 billion of that are the women. There are so many women... So many different kinds of women. No, I don't wanna talk about all 3.5 billion of them, I just want to talk about ones I've seen or met from my point of view. Don't judge me from what I'm about to talk about, I know I'm bashing on some women and I sure as hell know not all of you are like this, but hey, you wouldn't be offended if you weren't one of them.

I've gotten to know quite a number of women in school in the very short time I've been there. I'm not naming fingers or pointing names, I'm just speaking in general that some girls are... well, evil in a way. Some girls are like bad habits. In tagalog, we call it 'bisyo'. Like smoking or drinking, they'll give you satisfaction, they'll make you feel good... But in the long run, they'll trip you up, they'll steer you wrong, and they will hurt you bad. Worst of all, you just can't help but keep coming back 'cause they make you feel good, 'cause you think you're happy and satisfied.. 'cause you're addicted.

These kinds of women, stay VERY far away from them. They're just going to use you, take advantage of you, and when they're done using the hell out of you, they're just going to disappear and forget you even exist. They are not going to feel bad about it, because they get what they wanted out of you,so it's a lose-lose situation for us men. Now, seeing just how many women are like this in school just scares me. You can trust no one but yourself when it comes down to who you're friends with, so pick your friends... And choose wisely.

There are other kinds of girls too. Some of them are quiet, kind, mysterious... But most of the time just plain clueless. There are some who are loud, obnoxious, and attention seeking... but all that aside they're just really dim. There are also those who are in every aspect nice to you... until you have your back turned. Some who just plain look down on you, some who just think they're far better than anyone else, some who just always need to be in the spotlight, some who just gossip till their asses fall off, some who have no asses, some who are not even worth talking to because of their bitch attitude.

This is the worst aspect you could possibly see in a woman, and not all of them are like that, but hell, there are only a handful who aren't. When you get one who isn't... Well, evil in general, don't let her go, because they're the ones who are just worth your time be it friend, special someone or family. The point of this post is that no matter how horrible you think someone is, be nice anyway... Just be on guard, and don't let them take advantage of you. There is never a good reason to be bad, nor is there ever a good reason to not be nice to someone.

Now with all this on women, I wouldn't say men are any different. We're all just as bad as everyone is, not one of us here is 'clean'. Not anymore.

---

I've gotten out of shape, mainly because I've been sick for weeks now, and it only got worse a couple of days ago. I want so badly to get back to boxing, but I can't until I get rid of the sickness. I don't get sick easily, I'm pretty sure of that... But when I do get sick, it's pretty bad most of the time. As of right now, I've gotten better, but the headache's still there. Aside from that, I've been doing better than usual everywhere else over the last couple of weeks. A little complacency would be nice, but I just don't feel anywhere near satisfied yet.

do you feel like every song is still yours?

I feel much better now. So much better in fact I think I may be ready to get back to boxing after stopping for... 4 days. That's a pretty long time for me okay! The weather's been really nice to me nowadays as well. Not too hot, not too cold either.. I guess everything's just been falling to place. I don't know about some people but I think I'm going to enjoy college a little bit more than other people have expected. STI Las Piñas Got Talent Auditions are tomorrow. After much contemplation, I've decided that I WANT to join the Singing Idol portion of the thing. I hope I get through those auditions alright, I don't know how these things go except the fact that I'm supposed to sing in front of some people and get judged.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. I miss so badly those days that always ended with you.

you're the only light i think i ever saw.

I'm feeling really sick. I've got a cough that feels like it could turn me inside out, a dripping flu on the side and a headache mixed with some fever in between. They say I'm suffering from fatigue. Too much work, too little rest. I guess that's what happened. The last two weeks have been great to be quite honest.

School's going fine, everything from work to friends are new and it's put some new light into life, which is all good. I've only been in school for a week, and so much for first impressions, I take all that back. My class is pretty good. Aside from life in college, life at home is going fine too. I'd have to say life is going quite well, but now there's just far too many things to do, and far too little time to do it all. For now, it's just one step at a time.

New things are coming in, but old things just don't seem to want to come out.

It's been ages, but I'm not changing. I still don't think I want to.

One step at a time.

complacency.

I have lost my composure. I need to get back into focus.

i may be away, but never gone.

Have you ever watched the news, rode the bus and looked out the window, or walked down the street and looked at other people? Not just look and acknowledge they're there, but look in a way that you're examining every aspect of who they are from your point of view. A really horrible thing to do is to look down on others. I was on the bus headed home when I watched the news and saw the situation other people were in after the storm, flooded or not. It looked so depressing to see so much suffering and despair from other people. Just because people are in a more unfortunate situation compared to us doesn't mean they're any lesser of a human being than we are.

It didn't look nice. At all. Some help the less fortunate without thinking twice, and some don't even look twice and act like nothing's happening. There's a fine line between generous and human doormat slash pushover. Some people are just really that generous and sympathetic towards others, it's something that others take advantage of. Have you ever thought that some people are just that sympathetic and giving to people who don't have what they have? Some people don't like it.

It's wrong to feel bad or feel pity for another because their issues and dilemmas are not supposed to be yours to deal with, it's theirs... But that doesn't mean you only help people out of pity. There shouldn't be a reason behind why you give and help others, you should just do so as an act of selflessness. We're all naturally selfish, there are those times I know. It's just that because of that, some people mistake most acts of generosity and selflessness for acts of pity or being condescended.

Everyone's got their own sense of pride, after all, one of the hardest things for us human beings to do is admit we need help. I'll admit, I'd rather do things myself and make mistakes along the way, than asking another for help and getting it done right the first time. I mean, where's the lesson there? In my own honest opinion, you just don't get anything productive out of help except for getting the easy way out of things.

I don't know where this post is going. Maybe it's just me venting my frustrations to be heard, or just a compilation of my point of view on certain things, or just random babbling. I feel sorry for the people who are suffering because of the flood, I feel annoyed at the people who just don't care about the unfortunate, and I'm angry at myself, feeling as if I'm just not doing anything productive even though I know I am doing so one way or the other.

It just feels so empty sometimes, y'know?

inner light, under star.

The first day of college was pretty good. Finally getting my chance to stick around with people in my age group has done some good... and some bad throughout the day. My first impression of my class and school life 'to be' wasn't what I expected. I didn't really expect much, but it went better than I thought it would have. Everyone's got their own group of friends, while I'm the social outcast sitting around waiting for class to start and end. I don't mind, I don't have to deal with any bullshit from anyone except for my own.

I'd be lying if I said I liked my class. I found most of them fucking annoying, attention seeking, inconsiderate and exceedingly arrogant.. But who am I to judge? It's only been a day. I guess we'll see how things go after a month or so. I've got uniforms and all that already, so I guess it's time I adapt for real. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it was fucking hilarious. Aside from my instructor calling prosthetic limbs "a prostesic" and a few classmates trying so hard to speak fancy English, they've got good senses of humor. Let's see how I do after a month. :)

~~~

Okay, I'm in the mood for some cheese. Here's something I came up with as I went along with it:

I could sit around and sing songs about you and me all day. I could talk and rant about you forever and a day to anyone who'd give me a chance. The first and last thing on my mind would be all you, just wondering how you are. Thinking, if we took a different step somewhere before all this, would we have been any different than how we are now? Hoping, you'll hear my calls for you to come back. Having faith, that through all the distance standing in between, you're still somewhere out there with me on your mind, and in your heart. I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you I was fine with everything going down, but I'd be lying to myself if I told you I don't love you anymore.

I'm still on my feet, are you? I just thought you should know.

That's enough for now. Speak and be heard, fear will only hold us back.

remembering sunday.

"Forgiveness is a quality of the strong because the weak cannot bear to forgive."

If you think logically, that quote is pretty accurate. Forgiveness involves doing a lot of things, that's why only the strong can manage to do it. To forgive another, you should first accept the fact that you're wrong. You need to have the balls to admit it and accept defeat. Next, you've got to acknowledge your mistakes. Then, you have to take responsibility for your actions. You need to take action, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

Believe me, it's easier said than done. Holding a grudge on someone will only make you feel worse as it is, so forgive and move the fuck on. However, forgiving does not always mean you're the one at fault. That's why there's the word "for" and the word "give" in it. You give way for someone else. Be the bigger person, you don't have to win everything to be a winner, you've already won if you think so.

In tagalog, we say 'pagpasensyahan'. In malay, we say 'memaafkan'. You don't need anyone else's approval to forgive, you just need your own peace of mind. You don't need any material things to forgive, you just need to have a heart. There are people who are really forgiving, but being forgiving does not mean they're doormats and pushovers you can take advantage of. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive because forgiveness is strength, but another thing even harder to do is forgiving yourself.

Before you can forgive another, you've got to first know how to forgive yourself. Accept and take responsibilities of your flaws and let it go, move forward. You'll be at peace with yourself, and you don't need anyone else but you to do that.

Be strong. Be forgiving. You're way ahead.

you've no clue what you do.

I was supposed to leave to go boxing 5 minutes ago. The rain decided to kick in 5 minutes ago.

I'm waiting for my wraps to dry and the rain to stop long enough for me to walk to the gym.

Y'know, I think I might as well wait for lunch too.

~~~

I was on last night reading my friends' blogs. I like going through their archives and looking back at how and what they used to talk about and be like, to how and what they are now. Things change too much, too fast. I did the same thing to my blog. Back then I'd be talking about games, hangouts with friends and cheesy or funny stuff I find interesting. Now, I'd be ranting about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, the good, the bad and everything in between.

What I did after that? I deleted it all. My posts back then to my posts now still have a slight similarity in them, but majority of it is just far too different, something I wouldn't call me anymore. I'm proud of how much I've grown compared to before. I feel so much more... Aware. Aware of all the shit around me, and all the shit inside me. You gotta enjoy things like that, it's interesting really.

What I don't get is that whenever someone has a blog, I do not see why they need to put it in private settings. To me, a blog is something you can use to speak out. To be heard. You don't trap everything you say and feel into a box, you'll waste all the color in your words. Let it free, don't be afraid of what others will think or the criticism you're going to get. Nobody thinks like you so be proud of what you think. You're going to get hit by negativity and criticism every now and again, you've just got to take things as they come and take it to your advantage. Why waste all that good thinking and cover it up from everyone hm?

It'd be understandable if it were really private, but things like that aren't things most would blog about unless they've got the balls to do it. People have journals for that. Then again, I wouldn't want my whole life being read and understood by another. I don't want to be an easy-read. I want to be something people just can't figure out, someone hard to crack. I don't want people to know what makes me tick. That's for me to know and you people to find out, capisce?

Yes, blogging is showing bits and pieces of me and what makes me tick, but that's only a small fraction of who I am. That doesn't mean you're uncovering all of me bit by bit by just reading post after post. Tough luck, bro.

~~~

The rain's stopped. Lunch's nearly done. My wraps are dry. Boxing soon, I'll blog again later.

Here's something to think about for the day:

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

tell me i'm a wreck.

Some people are assholes. I sat with an autistic guy on the bus on the way back from an outing by myself. Two guys laughed at him. Making fun of him, y'know. He saw me holding a cake, then told me he was claustrophobic. First thing I said was, 'why did you ride a bus in the first place?' ... Followed by 'Be careful, I hope you know where you're supposed to go down'.

He was a twitchy character. He rocked back and forth in his seat and he couldn't stop fiddling with anything he owned on the bus. He was becoming pretty violent and pushy being claustrophobic and all, but I guess it was fine. He just wanted to get home. He got off eventually, was glad for him.

There are a lot of autistic people in the world. They have special needs, and they didn't have a choice. It's not like they wanted to be like that when they were born. Being autistic does not make someone any different from anybody else in the world. Just because one seems bad on the outside doesn't mean he's bad on the inside too. Have a heart for these people, because they have one too.

we were just kids in love.

My first day as a college freshman starts in about 3 days. Oh man, I'm going to miss being a bum. It's actually a good thing that I won't be bumming around anymore though. It's time I started doing something productive for myself after being a genuine bum for the last 6 months. Just imagine, 6 months. Bumming around the Philippines. Just where has all the time gone?

As much as I'm going to miss bumming, I've got to start adjusting to my schedule, routines and all that starting tomorrow at least. I've got half my uniforms (Well, the pants are XL sized and they still don't fit me. Now because of that, Lola thinks the people who study there are probably pygmies) and no books or anything school related whatsoever. I just don't know how I'm going to get through the first day. I don't care though, it's just that I hate awkwardness. It disturbs me.

Aside from settling most of my business with school, I went out to have one last she-bang before I start school. I went to ATC to watch Super 8, and get a cake from DQ using gift certificates. The movie was pretty good, I enjoyed it. There were those really funny scenes, good actions sequences along with some tear jerkers. It just wasn't enough to "move" me though. Before the movie started, I looked like a complete slob having a bag of popcorn so big I had to hug it with one arm to carry it around, and a HUGE cup of iced tea bigger than my forearm.

Life's been good to me the last couple of days. Better than usual actually. That may be so but I'm taking things one step at a time, nobody's chasing me so I've no reason to rush. A new chapter of my life starts soon, I wonder what's in store..

we're like fire and gasoline.

Y'know, sometimes I just do not get it. Although it has absolutely nothing to do with me, I find people who are just so overly... mushy with people they 'love' utterly disgusting. I know I shouldn't meddle with other people's business nor should I bash their interests just because I think it's fucking stupid, hilarious and nasty all at the same time on my end, but it just weirds me out y'know?

Here I was, doing my thing online (lurking and just creeping in and out of pages) when I decided to check up on my Facebook. I had a look at my notifications to see 2 game requests which I ignored. My attention then went to the news feed, where the top stories were things I've already seen so I thought I'd look at what's been most recent in my news feed (I nearly typed food. I must be hungry) and there I saw it.

A "friend" of mine (to be quite honest, I haven't the slightest clue who the fuck the person is. Hahahaha) was spamming the crap out of Facebook with the lamest cheesiest ass quotes in the world onto his status... Every minute. At first I thought, 'why the hell am I even friends with this guy?' before rolling my eyes like there was no tomorrow.

To be honest, I was like that before. REALLY, really like that (eh). I can get REALLY cheesy and mushy at times, but I AT LEAST NOW don't overdo it. Y'know that famous saying: 'too much is NEVER a good thing' ... Yeah, well that applies to this too. I mean, it's nice and all showing all your love and affection to your 'persona especial' and there's nothing wrong with that but for the love of God, please calm the fuck down, it's not like you're married already.

A little affection to someone special every now and again is nice, just don't overdo it. Be it a subliminal message, or a simple sentence and whatnot. It gets old, and that's what some people don't realize when they do shit too much. In the end, they'll just take all that shit for granted. You don't just say things like that. Things like that are important, valuable, and really fucking awesome. To overuse it just loses its meaning and value.

Would you rather have someone that just tells you they love you every 5 minutes, or have someone that shows you rarely, but makes each and every one of it special and valuable? That's why it disgusts me to see people that are this way. They just don't know the true value of such things.

Now tell me, just how much are you worth?

take me back to the sleepless nights, the stupid fights.

"Just don't forget this, we won't regret this. We've got one chance to get it right."

- The Maine (We All Roll Along)

It's already June 14th, time flies so fucking fast now doesn't it? It's as if it was only yesterday that... Yeah. One can only look back so many times to the days that have passed. An important somebody once told me that frustration is a feeling where you can't accept the fact that you weren't able to do something. You end up annoyed or angry, somewhere along those lines.

I know I said I've lost my frustration already, but I don't think that was very accurate. I think I only meant to say that my frustration disappeared during those moments. I have to figure out what's frustrating my ass. Truth be told, I already know what's frustrating me, I just don't want to admit it. I just don't want to face that.

I'm going to settle my business with school tomorrow so that maybe, hopefully I can start school by next week. I don't know what to expect with school here in the Philippines. I've been so used to the sleeping habit in Brunei that I'm afraid I might just do the same here. I'd walk in, go to my desk, drop my things and sleep. When a teacher shows up, get up to greet, sit and stare and somehow fall asleep after a bit. Hardworking, no?

I'm not going to lie, I'm one hell of a lazy ass, but when it comes right down to it I really do try my best to study and all... but only when I feel like it. That feeling comes rarely, but I've always managed to get good grades even if I am like that. At least I think so! I don't think anything they teach in school is necessary for me to survive reality, but knowledge is always welcome to enter my head, useful to me or not.

Anyway, going back to topic: Yes, I don't know what to expect. I'm pretty sure school life here is different in every aspect compared to school in Brunei. What's even more different is that this isn't high school anymore. I cannot imagine what the classrooms will be like, the lectures, the classmates, pretty much everything. Being a pessimist, I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. *grin*

Only time will tell what our future holds. What exactly we're destined to do, and all that pizazz. Yeah, only time will tell, but nobody else in the world can shape my future except for me.

The fate of my future is in the balance! I must no- okay, no.