don't you think we ought to have learned by now?

It's nothing, really. Ho hum, what's new? It's not like I didn't see it coming. I did. I fucking did.

What pisses me off is that even though I did, I just didn't listen to myself. Stubborn idiot.

I think it's time I started listening to that voice of reason inside my head. You know the problem with people who pick the heart over the mind? They tend to fuck up, crash and burn harder than anyone else.

It's no big deal, at least I think so. Attachments are weaknesses, and those are things that are not worth having.

I'm at a loss for words.

The voice inside my head isn't.

I guess it's time I went to sleep.

Goodnight.

ku katakan dengan indah.

The Rapture didn't go as everyone planned. I'm not bragging or anything but this is the 5th end of the world I've survived to date. What's up? Aside from surviving the end of the world (again), I haven't really done much lately.

I'm usually up till around 4AM with a naps in between (nobody stops me anyway so I can't be fucked to sleep early unless I feel like it. I'll do what I want k) just playing games online or just watching videos and listening to music on Youtube. When 4AM hits, I usually just crash into bed and clean up my mess when I wake up. I don't share a room with anyone anymore so it's cool and all.

Of course there's that shit your pants thrill of someone just randomly peeking into your window at 2AM (huge windows, no curtains) what with all the noises going on outside. There was that one time I freaked myself out thinking my T-shirt hanging on the closet was some dude standing next to me but.. Yeah, let's not talk about that.

I haven't gone out exploring like I usually did ever since I got back from the province. Most of the time, I'd be at home playing bum and annoying the fuck out of everyone in the house with my moodswings. I bet there'll be another one in about 5 minutes. I miss just going out whenever I please enjoying the outside world, I can do that but there is no motivation to anymore. I guess I've gotten used to the Philippines.

That being said, I still do go out every 2 days though. I'd be in the boxing gym 4 times a week at most, but I usually just end up going 3 times a week nowadays. That doesn't count as exploring since it's a routine. I'd go boxing, do the 3 hour routine they give me and go back home.

Back at home, there wouldn't be anything productive to do after dinner. Each and everyone has their own thing, mine would be killing time on the PS2 or just playing the guitar, whatever floats my boat. At the end of each day (4AM for me), I just crash into bed, take a glimpse at my very unused phone and stare at the ceiling for a couple of minutes and "think" till I fall asleep.

Y'know what? Don't think, feel. It may be a very mental universe, but thinking in one will just drive you up the wall. Just feel your way through it all, and take things as they come. I'm not saying thinking is a bad thing, but there's a right time for that. The hardest thing to do in the world is to think and sometimes, some things just aren't cut out for thinking about. In boxing, the moment you try to think of what to do, that's when you lose. A human being can only do so much, thinking and fighting at the same time isn't one of them.

Have you ever loved and thought about it all? If you can think of it, if you can explain it, if you can fucking put it in your head and let people judge what you feel and tell you how they see it, then that isn't love. Love isn't a thought. You can't put love into a thought... But you can feel it.

The love, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever shit they may be, they're yours. Not mine, not anybody else's. Don't let ANYBODY, I don't give a fuck if it's the damn king of the world, nobody has the right to tell you what to think, what to feel, and what to do. To live is the rarest thing in the world, don't let another take that away from you.

The famous latin phrase from the poem of Horace, CARPE DIEM; Seize the day.

I love boxing, making music, playing the guitar and singing my guts out. I love staring at the stars, eating baked macaroni, crying my heart out because it feels good, and laughing my ass off because I can. I bite my nails, I'm afraid of bugs, I have diabetic tendencies and I'm an asshole to strangers. I'm in love with a girl who's older than me, who's so far away, who I can't be with, and I'm in love because I am, I don't know why and I don't need to know why, I just do.

You can think, feel and do whatever you want, it's a free world. To live by another's rules and not your own isn't living; that's living a lie.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't give a rat's ass what others think when it comes to what I want, what I do, and what I feel. It's mine, nobody else's. It's a big universe, make your own damn it.

i have a long line of things to say but i'll leave it at, "you amaze me".

"Never apologize for what you feel, it's like saying sorry for being real."

Doesn't it annoy you sometimes that it's just beyond your control what with all the rules, obligations, attachments, connections, problems and everything to do with life that we can't always feel what we truly want to feel? Yeah, fucking annoying.

It may be out of respect, or out of keeping the peace and responsibilities intact, but in the end of all that, it just kills you inside to know that what you truly feel inside is being held back by something of higher power and authority to you. What hurts even more is the fact that you can't do shit about it.

As much as you want to, there are things that are just the way they are and that's how they're going to be. You can't do anything about it, because it's just wrong. It's like shattering the center of gravity that keeps your world together. If you thought about it logically, you'd lose in every way. It's like you against the world, the chances of you overcoming the odds are just... shit. No offense.

There are just some things I shouldn't think about.

---

Do you know the feeling of being replaced? The feeling of you thinking just how likely it is for you to be replaced, what more not even knowing if you've already been replaced or not. Harsh shit. I, for one, am stubborn, plain stubborn. Some things can't be helped, they're just the way they are.. And I'm one of those people who can't accept that because I know deep down I could move heaven and hell to get what I want. Fuck yeah.

give me a sign.

My blog is a place where I keep my thoughts and opinions, some memories and reminders, and a SMALL bit of what goes on in my mind for people to see in a form of words. It's all me and there is no other. I like to give, and for my satisfaction, I express myself here. I give myself my own world and my own piece of mind here (Yeah, and people say I don't have my own world). No, I don't suffer from Alexithymia where I have a difficulty expressing feelings to other people, but yes I do have a tendency to have a hard time expressing myself unless if it were in a form of chatting or typing mainly because it just feels all the more simpler and less intense.

You're entitled to judge my sentiments and whatever I put in here according to your point of view, it's yours and yours alone and you can bloody keep it for all I care because I don't give a rat's ass about other people's criticism towards what I think, what came from me, what makes me who I am. There is nothing wrong with what you think, it comes from you, why would you think it's wrong in the first place?

Oh, by the way, the 14th of May was a pretty good day for me. It's 1 minute to the 15th of May, but whatever it's all good. Anyway, my day comprised of video games, mangoes and bananas, lots of lifting and a very worthwhile conversation with a relative. As you can read above, I've been talking about me, myself and I. Vain, self-centered or narcissistic as you may call it, at least I know where I stand. Always remember that you should never judge where you stand from another person's point of view. That's what I've been trying to say, read up. Don't get it? Let me clarify.

You have your life, your shit. Now, if you look at your shit from another person's point of view, wouldn't that make it their opinion of your shit? How would you feel taking someone's opinion of your bowels as your own? Doesn't that make you a photocopy, a fake, a lie? Don't be ashamed of yourself, "You are who you are and that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you" so Dr. Seuss says.

Your life, your shit. It's a universal understanding. If you don't get it, you probably aren't universal or whatever.. Scratch that. I was kidding, that made no sense. Going back to the topic, you should always, ALWAYS believe in yourself. Don't let another person tell you how to live your life, think of it and live it your way. In the end, when everything disappears, there will be nobody standing next to you, just you and your shit (I've really got to stop using shit as a metaphor, sorry).

Referring to my past post: "You don't need anybody or anything apart from yourself to be happy", yes that may be true, but that does not mean you can't have anybody or anything apart from yourself. If another person disagrees with something that has to do with you, or is against something from you, that's their shit, not yours. Don't feel bad now, they can either live with it or shove it up their ass anyway.

Concluding this post, don't let your life depend on another, don't let someone tell you how to live your life, and most of all, believe and you will achieve. It's your way or the highway, go out and live. Oh, and before you judge another person's life and how they're running it, take a good look at yourself first. When your shit becomes someone else's shit, you get into some deep shit so- OKAY I'll stop now. That, dear reader, is another story.

---

A whole month now, three weeks since. I know I'm stubborn, I know I'm still holding on, and I know I haven't given up yet but fuck what other people think, they cannot see what I see nor can they feel what I feel. I'm done thinking of what could have been, I'm thinking of what could be.. What could still be. In the words of Nico SB, an uncle and a brother by heart and blood:

"Believe, man. All you gotta do is believe it's still possible and it will be."

you can rewrite and erase anything.

"The Moon forms an uncomfortable semisquare with your key planet Venus today, tying your feelings up in knots. A simple desire becomes more complex as you obsess about the power that love has over you. However, your worries may just be the result of an overactive imagination. Don't waste time thinking about something that may never happen. You'll be happier if you keep your attention on the present moment."

"The Moon's semisquare with Venus intensifies emotions right now as the power of love overtakes you. Stay in the moment rather than give in to your imagination."

I swear, sometimes I just fucking hate horoscopes. "Thinking about something that may never happen"? Fuck that, it may never happen, but there's still a chance that it will. Stubborn me says I will kick ass to get that something. I will move heaven and hell for it. Oh yeah.

Rant conclusion: I will not give up or give in. I will hope and believe.

THANK YOU *bow*