passive aggressive.

"Bad luck.. or just outright stupid?"

The phrase that's summed up the last couple of days. I'd say I'm disappointed, but I saw it coming. Now, people are going to judge you and hate you for who you are. They're either jealous of you, or just insecure of their little fucked up lives. I'd say both, but that'd be too nice. You see, there are people you see in the movies are just so despicable, so sick and nasty you would never have expected to actually meet someone like that in reality living, breathing, fucking other peoples' lives up.

Now I don't give a fuck if this is going to offend anybody, hell, I've got nothing to lose anymore. Again, you see, I've been screwed over. My first instinct was to land a left hook on the said person's face, but that wouldn't be politically correct. Then I thought: revenge is only going to get me temporary satisfaction, so why do that? Now if you're someone I know or just a random reader, you're probably wondering, "What the hell is up with this guy?". I don't give a damn what you feel *cough* sorry, just kidding. Anyway, all I want to do right now is speak my mind. So let us start!

As I was saying, I've been screwed over. I can't blame anyone for my misfortune though. I'd be getting nowhere if I were just sitting around playing the blame game. I could tell you everything I thought was true, but some people just wouldn't believe it. Either that, or they just wouldn't care. Why? Corruption, that's why! We've all got what we've got like one man's treasure is another man's trash. The question is whether you're grateful, or just taking it for granted.

I think I've taken some people for granted. More or less, they've done the same with me. However, deep inside I know how important someone can really be and I value each and everything I've gotten and possessed up until the point they've disappeared or left. Here's a little question for you: How much do you value someone?

If you really valued someone, they'd come before anything else. Before you believe what another person says about something you valued, you'd question the value itself first. Now, let's put that to a person's perspective. Here's a BIG question for you: If you were me, who would you believe first? A friend you barely know, or a friend who's been there for you through thick and thin? A friend you just met, or a friend you've known for a while? Now, I know what you're thinking. The righteous would say the second option, the idiotic would say the first. Then again, you wouldn't be questioning yourself on decisions like this if you really knew what you valued. Do you see where I'm coming from here? No? Let me elaborate.

I have my own opinion on things. I stand up for myself, and I stand up for what I believe in. It's up to you to believe it or not. Now, referring to a statement I made up there (I mentioned corruption), there will be people in the world who are just so foul they'd manipulate what you've said and turn it against you. The stupid thing would be that you'd actually believe it. Let's say you did. Now apply all this to the BIG question. Would you play into the manipulation, or have faith in what you valued?

Here's what we learned. Don't believe in words you didn't hear yourself. They lead to assumptions and wrong accusations. Most of all, know your right from wrong, be careful who you trust, and before you fall into traps like this, think of what you've got to lose. We all know what we've got, it's just that we all didn't think we'd lose it, that's why we take some things for granted. Those things we took for granted in the end? They could have been true, but you chose to believe the lie instead because you didn't stop and think. When you finally realize you've fucked up, it'll have been too late.

You're going to regret this.

not an answer to be heard.

---

I haven't been blogging, I know. I'd much rather be asleep right now, but I'm starting to think that'd be a waste of time now that I've suddenly got an urge to just type and type whatever comes to mind as I type. It's also been a while since I've been hit with inspiration but life's being doing just fine without it. I've been losing the motivation to go to school. Hell, I'm even starting to think that's a good thing. With all the corruption surrounding the Philippines, I'm much better off at home. Oh God, I miss home.

There are so many places I could call home, but there's only one place I could actually consider home. It's still far too difficult to refer to it as home like it's always been but it's always been one to me whether or not I consider it as one.

I miss the purple buses I know like the back of my hand, going around the country that would be impossible for me to get lost in. I miss staying up all night and sleeping all day, being sugar high on rainy days and caffeine high on sunny days. I miss the fresh air from the many trees around the city, the food and delicacies prepared in a way you'd never find anywhere else in the world, the peace and sense of boredom you'd only find in Brunei.

This is where the photo above comes in.

"Think about what happened a year ago today. You probably can't even remember. Everything that seems important now won't be anymore."

I've never really thought about it much until now, but my priorities have changed completely and it's true. What used to be so important isn't the slightest bit significant to me now. I'm trying to recall what used to be so important to me but I just can't seem to. Most of them seem to have just been erased with only small traces left behind, while there are some that are still insignificantly etched in my mind. After hours of contemplating, I think I've got it... Or at least some of what it used to be.

I think it'd be far too personal for me to mention what used to be important and what's important to me now, but I'd be happy to mention one very big aspect of the things I've considered important: My friends.

Most of the people I considered important 12 months ago aren't the same people I consider important now. I'm sorry if it offends anybody, but that's just how things are. Things change so much it hurts to realize things like this. You can never be content with what you've got and before you know it, what you've got is completely different from what you used to have.

I hate disappointing anybody, but sometimes it takes a whole lot of effort to stay in someone's life. People will come and go, fall in and out of our lives and all we can do is accept it. Be grateful for the ones you've got while they're still there, because you never know when they won't be around anymore. You can't expect to stay in someone's life effortlessly. Regardless of that, it's been said that if someone leaves your life, it only means their chapter is over... That it's time for a new one.

Some people know that all too well, but most can't help but expect to stay important. Expectations only lead to disappointment, so don't be surprised if you're disappointed by your expectations because of the lack of effort. We're all lazy in general, so effort actually shows a hint of what's important to us. Now, if we're not important to someone, why should they? That pretty much explains it.

fragile.

Love. It's the ability to move around and adapt with the flaws and mistakes of someone special, accepting them for who they are and still want to be with them regardless all those flaws. To accomplish that is love because love is an action, not a feeling.

baby doll.

‎2 ∞ & ↑


 Don’t follow something you really mean with “just kidding” to make things less awkward. Make things awkward. Make someone stand there fidgeting without knowing what to say. Because no matter how they react, you put yourself out there. Laid it on the table. Poured out your soul.

hati sejati.

I'd be asleep by now if it weren't for this woman. She goes by many names, but she's Mae to me. She's got a lot of 'spunk' for such a fragile human being, but that's what makes her stand out in my opinion. If you aren't acquainted with her, you would never know just how badass she could be. I'm going to start this post off by how I met such a pretty girl. It was a dark and stormy evening (not really) when I received an anonymous message. A couple of messages later and the rest was history. Yes, just like that. Actually, it doesn't end there. From that point onwards, she was the person I'd somehow end up having a conversation with every night.

Conversations with her are never dull, in my own honest opinion. Why, you ask? It's because there's always something new to talk about with her. She's the kind of girl who knows just how to keep me entertained being someone who gets bored fast. Most of the time, we just end up debating on who's more awesome than who or who's the better person, but our conversations aren't shallow and pointless like most. I learn a lot from her in one way or the other, which is why I find her so interesting.

Aside from being interesting, she intimidates me. All she has to do is raise an eyebrow at you and give you this 'look' and you know you're screwed if you were to try anything funny. Unlike most, she isn't the kind who'd be intimidated by me. Maybe not because she isn't scared, but because she's just really, really fragile inside. As she can be really sensitive, the slightest comment could either make her or break her on certain occasions. I've always said that whenever there's someone or something fragile around, there is nothing else you must do but to handle said thing or person with tender loving care.

Speaking of TLC, she's really feminine too. Like, really. She always flicks her hair around and walks around with her arms sticking out in a posh manner swirling 'em around. I don't know why, but I'm going to guess it's a girl thing. Going back to her sensitive side, she's scared of getting hurt (who isn't anyway?) and making mistakes. I like her just the way she is, but if there was one way she'd be even better, it'd be the fact that she should just stop holding herself back with fear most of the time.

 I could go on talking about her, but some things are better left unsaid (either that or it's because there are some things I want to keep just between me and her, it's more special that way). She asked for me to make a post about her, and she got it. A pretty girl like her looks at the world full of faith, restricted by her own fear and self-imposed rules. I've got a long line of things to say but I'll leave it at: You amaze me.

"Be satisfied with what you have."

- Mae.

don't you think we ought to have learned by now?

It's nothing, really. Ho hum, what's new? It's not like I didn't see it coming. I did. I fucking did.

What pisses me off is that even though I did, I just didn't listen to myself. Stubborn idiot.

I think it's time I started listening to that voice of reason inside my head. You know the problem with people who pick the heart over the mind? They tend to fuck up, crash and burn harder than anyone else.

It's no big deal, at least I think so. Attachments are weaknesses, and those are things that are not worth having.

I'm at a loss for words.

The voice inside my head isn't.

I guess it's time I went to sleep.

Goodnight.

it's not the first time, but this one really carved it in.

I just absolutely hate waiting. Call me impatient, but I just don't see any productivity in waiting for anything or anyone. They say that patience is a virtue, and that it takes one hell of a person to wait for something. When waiting for someone or something, there's a fine line between 'one hell of a person' and 'one hell of an idiot'. You're one hell of a person when you do the waiting the right way, and one hell of an idiot when you do it wrong.

 Now, let's explore. What does waiting do for us aside from teach us to be patient and completely waste our time? A lot of hopeless romantics (I would call myself one, but I'm against waiting) would say that anyone can tell someone they love him or her, but it takes someone really awesome to actually wait and prove it's true. I say, to hell with that! You can wait and prove it's true, but in all honesty, the people worth waiting for are the ones who wouldn't let you wait for even a second. Am I right, or am I right?

 Now that I've completely destroyed that quote, what else is there to contradict about waiting? Oh, I know. The 'wastes our time' part. Of course, there are benefits in waiting, like um, learning about patience. Yes, having patience is nice and all, I've got to admit that but when you wait, you also waste time in a way. Why wait for something when you could be doing something more productive? Why sit and wait for someone, when there's an infinite supply of everything for you out there in the world? I mean, who knows. You could be waiting for someone or something, when at that given moment, you could have been going places or gaining things, going further and moving forward.

No, I'm not the kind of person who's patient. I get bored easily, but I'm pretty sure a couple of posts back, I said that "I was one hell of a patient person". See how worthless waiting is? People change, everything changes. The only thing that's permanent in the world is change. You could be patient now and be the complete opposite later, but what's the point? It's been proven that time waits for no man, so why waste your time waiting? I guess it's the fact that each and everyone of us has a different perspective about waiting, and each of us has our own limits here and there when it comes to that.

Actually, anyone can wait for anything. The only thing we're all ever scared of is whether or not the wait will be worth it in the end. You could be madly in love with someone at that moment and completely convince yourself that you could wait a lifetime for them, when the harsh truth is that your mind could change at any given moment at any given time. Since we're all so scared about what's worth waiting for and what isn't, we end up letting the time slip past us. That in turn causes us to miss a whole lot of different opportunities, good and bad.

A quote I could actually agree on is the one that goes "Do not wait for the perfect moment, take a moment and make it perfect." That, ladies and gentlemen, is truth. We human beings never get satisfied, and that just causes the worst kind of effect on people who actually wait. They just wait and wait for that moment, but since the said person is human, he will never get satisfied or reached the peak of complacency and finally admit that a said moment is deemed absolutely perfect. Long story short, why wait when you could take it right now?

It's right there in front of you, why pull someone's strings and make them wait? So that they could prove they're true? Well, that's unfair. Sometimes, you just need to jump in and take the risk, fuck the waiting. Grab every opportunity you can before they disappear out of your reach, because once they're gone, they may never come back. See how much of a waste that is? Oh, and remember what I said about how everyone has got their own limit? You will never know when enough is enough and how long you can keep going because you could be a second away from believing they're true, when they're one second advanced in coming to the conclusion that you're just wasting their time. 

People have got to realize that. That you can gain just as much as you can lose just by seizing the moment or waiting endlessly. Waiting makes absolutely no progress, that's why it's called waiting... And with lifespans as short as ours, I sure as hell don't have any time to waste. Everything moves forward, no matter how slow, no matter how short, all we've got to do is keep up. Take that extra step, one step at a time. Why wait when you could be more than you already are? Why lag behind for something when everything is advancing? People mistake waiting as something positive only because they apply impatience with something negative like fear, therefore in the end, it fucks the whole system up.

In all honesty, all I really wanted to do was completely destroy that 'wait and prove it's true' shit because I think it's full of shit, but I think I've accomplished a whole lot more than that. Never let anyone let you wait. Do what you want. Always dictate the pace. Keep up or eat dust. I repeat, nobody's worth waiting for, because the ones worth waiting for won't let you wait.

iguguhit kita sa alaala.

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-questions-you-need-to-ask-to-avoid-ruining-your-life/

Dead on.

i'll give it hell.

You could be the most beautiful girl in the world.

But your beauty means nothing when you're just full of shit inside.

There is, however, bittersweet irony to that fact.

You could have the most beautiful soul in the world.

But beauty means nothing when you've got nothing to show outside.

Humanity is absolutely beautiful in so many ways. There are so many ways to show just how beautiful each and every human being is. That isn't the case most of the time though. In harsh reality, humanity nearly always overlooks the beauty just sitting right in front of them. Of course, most of the time 'real' beauty is rarely seen because it's never visible on the outside except for rare moments.

The beauty everyone cares about nowadays is image, appearance, and/or physical attributes. Whatever happened to the beauty inside a person? I don't know, life's just unfair that way. Why? That's because metaphorically speaking, nobody ever stops to smell the flowers anymore. Now, why is that? Well, because nobody would give a damn about the smell of a flower if the flower doesn't look good in the first place.

In all honesty, would you want to take some time and effort to get to know someone who's physically ugly just to find out just how beautiful they are inside? No, of course not. Humanity today just wouldn't give a damn. I wouldn't either, unless of course fate makes it happen. Just like how every other person in the world would be. The ugliest of people know the true value of beauty, just like how the weakest of people know how valuable it really is to be strong.

In conclusion, This is how harsh reality is:

Nobody would give a shit about how beautiful you are on the inside if you don't look the slightest bit pretty on the outside. Nobody would take the time to do so unless you had looks. That's how important appearance was, is, and will be. That's what we are. Why the hell bother? Exactly.

it comes and goes like the strength in your bones.

Life's been so busy. You know that feeling you get when you've got so much to do, and you just want to do all of it, and there's just not enough time to do any of it? Yeah, I've got to go through that everyday. I've got lots of stuff to do, and it's going good.

I'm campaigning to get in the SDB. I'm in this U-Speak Party, and I'm running for auditor. I just hope all the damn English I speak won't make the voters go crazy. I cause excessive nose bleeds all around the school because my English is fuckin' awesome. Yeah.

All the schoolwork, homework, this and that. Yeah, I've got that to worry about too. As far as I can remember, I've got three sets of homework due by tomorrow and more campaigning the same day. I can't forget boxing as well, I do this all for the sake of boxing. And music, oh God my guitar and the singing and the practicing just to get better too. Life is hectic.

I've got it all under control though, nothing to worry about. I'm Superman.

I'd make a really nice, long post but I don't have school today 'cause of the incoming storm. I'm going back to sleep, I've got plans after lunch, rain or shine.

traces.

Hey, what's new? Remember me?

How are you holding up?

Here I am, screaming at the wind, hoping for answers, hoping for you.

Was it that easy to leave behind and forget?

Was I that easy to leave behind and forget?

It's as if I'm looking for something that doesn't exist.

It's as if none of it ever did.

Will we cross paths again?

I can only hope.

Every song I sing is still yours.

Why aren't you here to listen anymore?

I miss you, still.

I hold on, still.

ku yakin inilah waktunya.

wherefore art thou? :(

admittedly, subliminally.

For as long as I can remember, I've always believed that it's better to speak your mind and be straightforward than to just sugar coat everything with sympathy. As far as I know, sympathy never got you anything or anywhere except for self satisfaction, self pity. People get used to sympathy. It's just life. Sympathy is just a nicer way of saying someone feels bad about you. I don't know, it's just how I think.

Aside from that, I've also always thought that it's better to speak the harsh truth than to cover everything up with lies. A vast majority of people are just far too scared to face the truth, to face reality. It's going to hurt, but there's no gain without pain. If you can't face the harshness of life itself, then how the hell do you expect to survive?

Covering yourself up with lies to protect yourself from getting hurt is just pathetic. Sugarcoating yourself with sympathy doesn't make anything any better either. It just wastes your time. All these 'defense mechanisms' to protect yourself? All this negativity you surround yourself in? Don't waste your time.

Hah, I know I've talked about and posted about this before... But for someone like me, it's going to be something I need to face each and everyday. Entering a completely different lifestyle and culture, it's a fact that it shouldn't be them who should adjust to me but me who should adjust to them as unfair as it is (Although it'd be so much better if it were the other way around).

I have a habit to speak my mind and not realize I'm already hurting others with what I'm saying. As harsh as that is, that is who I am. I'm not going to change for anyone around here because I'm just not sensitive that way. I just don't care. It's so hard to live in a mindset where you can find nobody around you who can understand you, what more be able to be on level with what you're thinking of or talking about.

It's unfair, but it's the harsh truth, and like everyone out there, the harsh truth is something I've got to face too.

when the lights go out, we'll be safe and sound.

'tis another 14th of July. How fast time flies.

I just can't move forward without taking two steps back.

Preliminaries are going on and I've been on edge since it's started.

School's great nonetheless. Being with people my age makes things worthwhile.

I've got 3 papers left before this thing ends.

Then it's back to normal. Prelims are fun.

Life's good, but still incomplete.

It's a long way to infinity.

while the image of you shatters and fades away, i still scramble to pick up the pieces.

There's roughly 7 billion people in the world. Roughly 3.5 billion of that are the women. There are so many women... So many different kinds of women. No, I don't wanna talk about all 3.5 billion of them, I just want to talk about ones I've seen or met from my point of view. Don't judge me from what I'm about to talk about, I know I'm bashing on some women and I sure as hell know not all of you are like this, but hey, you wouldn't be offended if you weren't one of them.

I've gotten to know quite a number of women in school in the very short time I've been there. I'm not naming fingers or pointing names, I'm just speaking in general that some girls are... well, evil in a way. Some girls are like bad habits. In tagalog, we call it 'bisyo'. Like smoking or drinking, they'll give you satisfaction, they'll make you feel good... But in the long run, they'll trip you up, they'll steer you wrong, and they will hurt you bad. Worst of all, you just can't help but keep coming back 'cause they make you feel good, 'cause you think you're happy and satisfied.. 'cause you're addicted.

These kinds of women, stay VERY far away from them. They're just going to use you, take advantage of you, and when they're done using the hell out of you, they're just going to disappear and forget you even exist. They are not going to feel bad about it, because they get what they wanted out of you,so it's a lose-lose situation for us men. Now, seeing just how many women are like this in school just scares me. You can trust no one but yourself when it comes down to who you're friends with, so pick your friends... And choose wisely.

There are other kinds of girls too. Some of them are quiet, kind, mysterious... But most of the time just plain clueless. There are some who are loud, obnoxious, and attention seeking... but all that aside they're just really dim. There are also those who are in every aspect nice to you... until you have your back turned. Some who just plain look down on you, some who just think they're far better than anyone else, some who just always need to be in the spotlight, some who just gossip till their asses fall off, some who have no asses, some who are not even worth talking to because of their bitch attitude.

This is the worst aspect you could possibly see in a woman, and not all of them are like that, but hell, there are only a handful who aren't. When you get one who isn't... Well, evil in general, don't let her go, because they're the ones who are just worth your time be it friend, special someone or family. The point of this post is that no matter how horrible you think someone is, be nice anyway... Just be on guard, and don't let them take advantage of you. There is never a good reason to be bad, nor is there ever a good reason to not be nice to someone.

Now with all this on women, I wouldn't say men are any different. We're all just as bad as everyone is, not one of us here is 'clean'. Not anymore.

---

I've gotten out of shape, mainly because I've been sick for weeks now, and it only got worse a couple of days ago. I want so badly to get back to boxing, but I can't until I get rid of the sickness. I don't get sick easily, I'm pretty sure of that... But when I do get sick, it's pretty bad most of the time. As of right now, I've gotten better, but the headache's still there. Aside from that, I've been doing better than usual everywhere else over the last couple of weeks. A little complacency would be nice, but I just don't feel anywhere near satisfied yet.

do you feel like every song is still yours?

I feel much better now. So much better in fact I think I may be ready to get back to boxing after stopping for... 4 days. That's a pretty long time for me okay! The weather's been really nice to me nowadays as well. Not too hot, not too cold either.. I guess everything's just been falling to place. I don't know about some people but I think I'm going to enjoy college a little bit more than other people have expected. STI Las Piñas Got Talent Auditions are tomorrow. After much contemplation, I've decided that I WANT to join the Singing Idol portion of the thing. I hope I get through those auditions alright, I don't know how these things go except the fact that I'm supposed to sing in front of some people and get judged.

Tomorrow's gonna be a long day. I miss so badly those days that always ended with you.

you're the only light i think i ever saw.

I'm feeling really sick. I've got a cough that feels like it could turn me inside out, a dripping flu on the side and a headache mixed with some fever in between. They say I'm suffering from fatigue. Too much work, too little rest. I guess that's what happened. The last two weeks have been great to be quite honest.

School's going fine, everything from work to friends are new and it's put some new light into life, which is all good. I've only been in school for a week, and so much for first impressions, I take all that back. My class is pretty good. Aside from life in college, life at home is going fine too. I'd have to say life is going quite well, but now there's just far too many things to do, and far too little time to do it all. For now, it's just one step at a time.

New things are coming in, but old things just don't seem to want to come out.

It's been ages, but I'm not changing. I still don't think I want to.

One step at a time.

complacency.

I have lost my composure. I need to get back into focus.

i may be away, but never gone.

Have you ever watched the news, rode the bus and looked out the window, or walked down the street and looked at other people? Not just look and acknowledge they're there, but look in a way that you're examining every aspect of who they are from your point of view. A really horrible thing to do is to look down on others. I was on the bus headed home when I watched the news and saw the situation other people were in after the storm, flooded or not. It looked so depressing to see so much suffering and despair from other people. Just because people are in a more unfortunate situation compared to us doesn't mean they're any lesser of a human being than we are.

It didn't look nice. At all. Some help the less fortunate without thinking twice, and some don't even look twice and act like nothing's happening. There's a fine line between generous and human doormat slash pushover. Some people are just really that generous and sympathetic towards others, it's something that others take advantage of. Have you ever thought that some people are just that sympathetic and giving to people who don't have what they have? Some people don't like it.

It's wrong to feel bad or feel pity for another because their issues and dilemmas are not supposed to be yours to deal with, it's theirs... But that doesn't mean you only help people out of pity. There shouldn't be a reason behind why you give and help others, you should just do so as an act of selflessness. We're all naturally selfish, there are those times I know. It's just that because of that, some people mistake most acts of generosity and selflessness for acts of pity or being condescended.

Everyone's got their own sense of pride, after all, one of the hardest things for us human beings to do is admit we need help. I'll admit, I'd rather do things myself and make mistakes along the way, than asking another for help and getting it done right the first time. I mean, where's the lesson there? In my own honest opinion, you just don't get anything productive out of help except for getting the easy way out of things.

I don't know where this post is going. Maybe it's just me venting my frustrations to be heard, or just a compilation of my point of view on certain things, or just random babbling. I feel sorry for the people who are suffering because of the flood, I feel annoyed at the people who just don't care about the unfortunate, and I'm angry at myself, feeling as if I'm just not doing anything productive even though I know I am doing so one way or the other.

It just feels so empty sometimes, y'know?

inner light, under star.

The first day of college was pretty good. Finally getting my chance to stick around with people in my age group has done some good... and some bad throughout the day. My first impression of my class and school life 'to be' wasn't what I expected. I didn't really expect much, but it went better than I thought it would have. Everyone's got their own group of friends, while I'm the social outcast sitting around waiting for class to start and end. I don't mind, I don't have to deal with any bullshit from anyone except for my own.

I'd be lying if I said I liked my class. I found most of them fucking annoying, attention seeking, inconsiderate and exceedingly arrogant.. But who am I to judge? It's only been a day. I guess we'll see how things go after a month or so. I've got uniforms and all that already, so I guess it's time I adapt for real. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it was fucking hilarious. Aside from my instructor calling prosthetic limbs "a prostesic" and a few classmates trying so hard to speak fancy English, they've got good senses of humor. Let's see how I do after a month. :)

~~~

Okay, I'm in the mood for some cheese. Here's something I came up with as I went along with it:

I could sit around and sing songs about you and me all day. I could talk and rant about you forever and a day to anyone who'd give me a chance. The first and last thing on my mind would be all you, just wondering how you are. Thinking, if we took a different step somewhere before all this, would we have been any different than how we are now? Hoping, you'll hear my calls for you to come back. Having faith, that through all the distance standing in between, you're still somewhere out there with me on your mind, and in your heart. I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you I was fine with everything going down, but I'd be lying to myself if I told you I don't love you anymore.

I'm still on my feet, are you? I just thought you should know.

That's enough for now. Speak and be heard, fear will only hold us back.

remembering sunday.

"Forgiveness is a quality of the strong because the weak cannot bear to forgive."

If you think logically, that quote is pretty accurate. Forgiveness involves doing a lot of things, that's why only the strong can manage to do it. To forgive another, you should first accept the fact that you're wrong. You need to have the balls to admit it and accept defeat. Next, you've got to acknowledge your mistakes. Then, you have to take responsibility for your actions. You need to take action, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

Believe me, it's easier said than done. Holding a grudge on someone will only make you feel worse as it is, so forgive and move the fuck on. However, forgiving does not always mean you're the one at fault. That's why there's the word "for" and the word "give" in it. You give way for someone else. Be the bigger person, you don't have to win everything to be a winner, you've already won if you think so.

In tagalog, we say 'pagpasensyahan'. In malay, we say 'memaafkan'. You don't need anyone else's approval to forgive, you just need your own peace of mind. You don't need any material things to forgive, you just need to have a heart. There are people who are really forgiving, but being forgiving does not mean they're doormats and pushovers you can take advantage of. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive because forgiveness is strength, but another thing even harder to do is forgiving yourself.

Before you can forgive another, you've got to first know how to forgive yourself. Accept and take responsibilities of your flaws and let it go, move forward. You'll be at peace with yourself, and you don't need anyone else but you to do that.

Be strong. Be forgiving. You're way ahead.

you've no clue what you do.

I was supposed to leave to go boxing 5 minutes ago. The rain decided to kick in 5 minutes ago.

I'm waiting for my wraps to dry and the rain to stop long enough for me to walk to the gym.

Y'know, I think I might as well wait for lunch too.

~~~

I was on last night reading my friends' blogs. I like going through their archives and looking back at how and what they used to talk about and be like, to how and what they are now. Things change too much, too fast. I did the same thing to my blog. Back then I'd be talking about games, hangouts with friends and cheesy or funny stuff I find interesting. Now, I'd be ranting about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, the good, the bad and everything in between.

What I did after that? I deleted it all. My posts back then to my posts now still have a slight similarity in them, but majority of it is just far too different, something I wouldn't call me anymore. I'm proud of how much I've grown compared to before. I feel so much more... Aware. Aware of all the shit around me, and all the shit inside me. You gotta enjoy things like that, it's interesting really.

What I don't get is that whenever someone has a blog, I do not see why they need to put it in private settings. To me, a blog is something you can use to speak out. To be heard. You don't trap everything you say and feel into a box, you'll waste all the color in your words. Let it free, don't be afraid of what others will think or the criticism you're going to get. Nobody thinks like you so be proud of what you think. You're going to get hit by negativity and criticism every now and again, you've just got to take things as they come and take it to your advantage. Why waste all that good thinking and cover it up from everyone hm?

It'd be understandable if it were really private, but things like that aren't things most would blog about unless they've got the balls to do it. People have journals for that. Then again, I wouldn't want my whole life being read and understood by another. I don't want to be an easy-read. I want to be something people just can't figure out, someone hard to crack. I don't want people to know what makes me tick. That's for me to know and you people to find out, capisce?

Yes, blogging is showing bits and pieces of me and what makes me tick, but that's only a small fraction of who I am. That doesn't mean you're uncovering all of me bit by bit by just reading post after post. Tough luck, bro.

~~~

The rain's stopped. Lunch's nearly done. My wraps are dry. Boxing soon, I'll blog again later.

Here's something to think about for the day:

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

tell me i'm a wreck.

Some people are assholes. I sat with an autistic guy on the bus on the way back from an outing by myself. Two guys laughed at him. Making fun of him, y'know. He saw me holding a cake, then told me he was claustrophobic. First thing I said was, 'why did you ride a bus in the first place?' ... Followed by 'Be careful, I hope you know where you're supposed to go down'.

He was a twitchy character. He rocked back and forth in his seat and he couldn't stop fiddling with anything he owned on the bus. He was becoming pretty violent and pushy being claustrophobic and all, but I guess it was fine. He just wanted to get home. He got off eventually, was glad for him.

There are a lot of autistic people in the world. They have special needs, and they didn't have a choice. It's not like they wanted to be like that when they were born. Being autistic does not make someone any different from anybody else in the world. Just because one seems bad on the outside doesn't mean he's bad on the inside too. Have a heart for these people, because they have one too.

we were just kids in love.

My first day as a college freshman starts in about 3 days. Oh man, I'm going to miss being a bum. It's actually a good thing that I won't be bumming around anymore though. It's time I started doing something productive for myself after being a genuine bum for the last 6 months. Just imagine, 6 months. Bumming around the Philippines. Just where has all the time gone?

As much as I'm going to miss bumming, I've got to start adjusting to my schedule, routines and all that starting tomorrow at least. I've got half my uniforms (Well, the pants are XL sized and they still don't fit me. Now because of that, Lola thinks the people who study there are probably pygmies) and no books or anything school related whatsoever. I just don't know how I'm going to get through the first day. I don't care though, it's just that I hate awkwardness. It disturbs me.

Aside from settling most of my business with school, I went out to have one last she-bang before I start school. I went to ATC to watch Super 8, and get a cake from DQ using gift certificates. The movie was pretty good, I enjoyed it. There were those really funny scenes, good actions sequences along with some tear jerkers. It just wasn't enough to "move" me though. Before the movie started, I looked like a complete slob having a bag of popcorn so big I had to hug it with one arm to carry it around, and a HUGE cup of iced tea bigger than my forearm.

Life's been good to me the last couple of days. Better than usual actually. That may be so but I'm taking things one step at a time, nobody's chasing me so I've no reason to rush. A new chapter of my life starts soon, I wonder what's in store..

we're like fire and gasoline.

Y'know, sometimes I just do not get it. Although it has absolutely nothing to do with me, I find people who are just so overly... mushy with people they 'love' utterly disgusting. I know I shouldn't meddle with other people's business nor should I bash their interests just because I think it's fucking stupid, hilarious and nasty all at the same time on my end, but it just weirds me out y'know?

Here I was, doing my thing online (lurking and just creeping in and out of pages) when I decided to check up on my Facebook. I had a look at my notifications to see 2 game requests which I ignored. My attention then went to the news feed, where the top stories were things I've already seen so I thought I'd look at what's been most recent in my news feed (I nearly typed food. I must be hungry) and there I saw it.

A "friend" of mine (to be quite honest, I haven't the slightest clue who the fuck the person is. Hahahaha) was spamming the crap out of Facebook with the lamest cheesiest ass quotes in the world onto his status... Every minute. At first I thought, 'why the hell am I even friends with this guy?' before rolling my eyes like there was no tomorrow.

To be honest, I was like that before. REALLY, really like that (eh). I can get REALLY cheesy and mushy at times, but I AT LEAST NOW don't overdo it. Y'know that famous saying: 'too much is NEVER a good thing' ... Yeah, well that applies to this too. I mean, it's nice and all showing all your love and affection to your 'persona especial' and there's nothing wrong with that but for the love of God, please calm the fuck down, it's not like you're married already.

A little affection to someone special every now and again is nice, just don't overdo it. Be it a subliminal message, or a simple sentence and whatnot. It gets old, and that's what some people don't realize when they do shit too much. In the end, they'll just take all that shit for granted. You don't just say things like that. Things like that are important, valuable, and really fucking awesome. To overuse it just loses its meaning and value.

Would you rather have someone that just tells you they love you every 5 minutes, or have someone that shows you rarely, but makes each and every one of it special and valuable? That's why it disgusts me to see people that are this way. They just don't know the true value of such things.

Now tell me, just how much are you worth?

take me back to the sleepless nights, the stupid fights.

"Just don't forget this, we won't regret this. We've got one chance to get it right."

- The Maine (We All Roll Along)

It's already June 14th, time flies so fucking fast now doesn't it? It's as if it was only yesterday that... Yeah. One can only look back so many times to the days that have passed. An important somebody once told me that frustration is a feeling where you can't accept the fact that you weren't able to do something. You end up annoyed or angry, somewhere along those lines.

I know I said I've lost my frustration already, but I don't think that was very accurate. I think I only meant to say that my frustration disappeared during those moments. I have to figure out what's frustrating my ass. Truth be told, I already know what's frustrating me, I just don't want to admit it. I just don't want to face that.

I'm going to settle my business with school tomorrow so that maybe, hopefully I can start school by next week. I don't know what to expect with school here in the Philippines. I've been so used to the sleeping habit in Brunei that I'm afraid I might just do the same here. I'd walk in, go to my desk, drop my things and sleep. When a teacher shows up, get up to greet, sit and stare and somehow fall asleep after a bit. Hardworking, no?

I'm not going to lie, I'm one hell of a lazy ass, but when it comes right down to it I really do try my best to study and all... but only when I feel like it. That feeling comes rarely, but I've always managed to get good grades even if I am like that. At least I think so! I don't think anything they teach in school is necessary for me to survive reality, but knowledge is always welcome to enter my head, useful to me or not.

Anyway, going back to topic: Yes, I don't know what to expect. I'm pretty sure school life here is different in every aspect compared to school in Brunei. What's even more different is that this isn't high school anymore. I cannot imagine what the classrooms will be like, the lectures, the classmates, pretty much everything. Being a pessimist, I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. *grin*

Only time will tell what our future holds. What exactly we're destined to do, and all that pizazz. Yeah, only time will tell, but nobody else in the world can shape my future except for me.

The fate of my future is in the balance! I must no- okay, no.

tungsten carbon.

It's fucking annoying and stupid but at the same time ironic and funny that some people "have no faults or issues with themselves" that to compensate for that, what they do is find a fault in another human being in their lives. Myself, for example. Yet they cause all that mayhem behind my back because their faces are that full of shit to face me in person. I'm tired of that bullshit. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean another person should too.

It's been a pretty quiet day. I've been so exhausted. At least I've lost all the frustrations going around my head. Problems are not caused by others, they're problems only because you think they are. Therefore, it comes from you. I'm pleased to say I've got no problems... At the moment. If you've got a problem with me, then that's your problem. Not mine. So, if there are any issues, please say it to my face instead of cowering behind someone's back or telling another person to do it. I'd be glad to shove your problem up your ass. Thank you.

---

I'm going to Morong in a few hours. I'm thinking of ways to get out of it but it seems much better that I go anyway since I've got stuff waiting for me there aside from work. I think it's about time my routine gets changed for a while. I'll be coming back the next day, but a little change of scenery is nice even if it's just for tonight. I've grown sick and tired of certain things that it's time I take a break from it all. There's always another day, always.

Aaaaaaanyway, I was going around Tumblr when I saw something that reminded me of someone. The very first entry on the very first page right smack on my dashboard:

Fucking hell even Tumblr is taunting me.

A little change of scenery is nice every once in a while. New faces, new image in your head, new things going on inside. It's just that sometimes some sceneries take a long time to change. Some of them don't even change. It's evident that this hasn't.

when we're good, you know we're great.

By special request, this is for my very beautiful mother.

This is 'Tomorrow' by Chris Young.

Enjoy!

Click HERE to view the cover!

who cares here enough to set us free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7T69EDddKw

FINALLY, it uploaded.

'twas sloppy.

Enjoy it anyway.

I'll upload another tomorrow.

hearts, they don't lie. they just quiver in fear.

Hello. The reason I have not posted anything recently is because of this damn video I've been trying to upload. I made a cover of Go Radio's House of Hallways, and I just can't seem to put it up. I've been doing it since yesterday. I managed to complete the upload twice, but Blogger just decides to fuck with me and freeze at 100% and not upload. Do you know how frustrating it is to wait 2 hours to reach 100% only to find out it wasn't going to upload anyway?! *sigh*

I'm going to try Youtube now, instead of this.. *excessive swearing* .. Yeah. Hopefully I can get it uploaded in Youtube so I can get it done and over with and finish another cover. I plan on doing Adele's Make You Feel My Love, the one Bob Dylan covered I think. If I don't do that, I'll probably just play a combination of songs by the Eraserheads and mash it all into one whole song just because. The video's currently at 2%.. I'll probably just sleep and check it again at 4AM or something, I don't know.

---

I've gotten lazy. I'm not as determined and enthusiastic compared to how I was a couple of months ago. I don't know why, but most of the time I've just been so grumpy and frustrated. Not only that, it feels as if I've lost my motivation, or any inspiration for that matter. I just don't fucking know how long this will go on but this is surely not healthy. But anyway, let's not talk about that, let's stare at this gif I found on the internet:

Fuck LOGIC. But y'know, sometimes it feels like logic's the one doing the fucking.

On a brighter note, life's been just fine. I can't say it's been bad, but I can't say it's been good either. I'm in the mood for a rant, so I'm going to roughly type down how life's been giving me lemons lately.

The house has been giving me a tense vibe lately. I don't know if it's because everyone's just stressed out with work and all. Honestly, I don't feel like I belong.

I'm pissed off at a certain somebody. I'm not going to mention names, but I am. I have a zero tolerance level for people who are full of shit.

I'm stressing out on school. I haven't enrolled, school's about to start, yaddayadda.

That's not all of it, but I just can't be fucked to talk about anything else. I'm frustrated at so many things, it's unhealthy. Whatever, I'm going to sleep.

half of my heart won't do.

I've never looked at myself as someone who would end up being a great father. Just today, I thought of what it would be like for me to have one of my own, how I would be and how I'd do. Just a little daydream, nothing specific whatsoever. I came to a conclusion that I wouldn't be a very good one. Why? I get irritated easily.

I have so many bad habits, therefore making me one hell of a bad influence to the young ones. Not only that, my image of a father would be someone strong and fearless and yadda yadda. Hell, just recently a cockroach crawled up my leg in the dark. I screamed my head off and ran out the room. I had my aunt flip my room upside down until it was killed and removed because I couldn't do it myself. She was pretty annoyed at my balls, I on the other hand am still shuddering.

Yes, manly I know. How can I protect my own children from the evils of this world!? COCKROACHES?! Of course I can't really be sure. I guess I'll have to wait until I settle down to find out then. That's going to be a loooooooong time from now. The thought of it was hilarious though. Me, a father. HAH.

---

Today was one of a kind. Instead of being online at 2AM like I said in my last post, I woke up at 5AM to the sound of rain (My bad, the alarm didn't wake me up). It wasn't that loud, but for a heavy sleeper like me, it managed to wake me up. I spent most of the morning doing absolutely nothing while everyone in the house cooked and cleaned pretty much everything. Again. A clean house is clean.

At about 2PM, I gave up doing absolutely doing and decided to go boxing (I ran an errand before I went). It was still raining so I walked to the gym in a jacket and all. I looked like a kid trying to run away from home with all my mismatched clothes (the jacket didn't go with the boxing outfit for the day, and it was cold so... Yeah). I reached the gym soaking wet only to find out that the gym was freezing cold due to the rain. There was hardly any people as usual, which meant I could hog the whole gym.

After 3 hours of sweating (I dried up pretty fast with the cold, it made me fatigued and pissed off), I decided to give up on such a pointless attempt to train and just take a hot shower before heading home. I got home wet, furious at the fact that it cost the damn tricycle 40 pesos just to get me home. Hell, I wouldn't have taken one if it wasn't raining cats and dogs! ... But rain is good. Really good. I like the rain.

After going through with the usual house routine, here I am. It's still raining and it's gotten even worse. I guess that storm warning they gave us was a little too early now wasn't it? Well screw that, I'm enjoying the night online in my room bumming around with a blue electric fan I named Pablo and my guitar whom I have yet to name. Either I've already named my guitar and just completely forgot, or I really haven't named him yet.

It's been a while since I've felt this cold in the Philippines. The only time this ever happens is when I go out bus tripping or hang out with me, myself and I at a cinema or something. Yes sad I know, but it gets me by just fine so no complaints from me.

I'm going to catch up on some sleep and wake up again later or something. I've got this horrible sleeping habit I can't shake off and I'm in the mood to just vent. There are just some things I can't talk about here though. There are things I consider too personal or just too stupid to say to even bother posting here so I'll put up vague hints in each of my posts just to see if anyone cares enough to notice.

Sometimes, I wonder if you're still alive. Logic tells me that there are so many ways to communicate with others that I would have heard from you by now if I even meant something to you. It's either that or faith. Faith tells me otherwise.

Fuck logic, I'm going with faith.

to the low-tech.

The people of yesterday call our generation 'lucky'. If there was ever a conversation you had with an adult, one of them would probably be about the time where there was no internet, cell phones and what not. How communicating with anybody in the world would be via snail mail, long distance travel or excessive screaming on your balcony to your neighbor. How doing anything back then was relatively harder than it is now. How courting a woman back then was insanely hard to do compared to the women of today.

I thought it'd be nice to talk about my experiences with social networking sites since I've got a whole lot under my belt. I still remember the day I started becoming such a geek with computers. My mum thought it would be nice to make myself an e-mail (I was around 9 or 10 years old). I used it specifically for online games and talking to friends (at 10, yes I know). It's the e-mail I've stuck with ever since.

I remember the day I made a Facebook. While everybody was on Friendster and spamming the shit out of it, I apparently got bored of the daily routine of checking it for the sake of talking to friends and having that stupid status crap going, I was looking for a different website to get sick of. I spotted myspace, which looked freaking disgusting in my opinion, and then I spotted Facebook. When I signed up, I realized that only a handful of my friends had a Facebook. I thought it would be funny to hog the website to myself. I stuck to that ever since.

Going even way back, I remember the day I made a Friendster account. Mum was always a very protective parent, and I was not allowed to do a whole lot of shit in the internet, like download and all. She was afraid some pedophile would add me up on the site or I'd end up seeing porn (Which I didn't, I swear! ... Well, on that site at least. Boys will be boys, shut up). A few of my friends already had Friendster accounts, where I told my mum. She reluctantly gave in and told me I could make one. I still have the account active with all its glory even though I don't use it anymore.

There was also that time where I made a Tumblr account. Back when only a handful of people had one in Brunei, I made one for the sake of stalking a friend of mine and mindfucking her into thinking I was some totally awesome guy she'd fall madly in love with. She "figured out" my intentions a week later and called me stupid for thinking I'd be able to pull it off. I was doomed from the start anyway, she knew my plan before I even started and just played along to mindfuck me instead. I still have the account which I use it daily (I stopped using it for a year or two back then though).

The best memory I have of social networks on the internet would be the day I made a Twitter account. Back then I always thought Twitter was some piece of shit website I would never, ever like. A couple of my friends were already trying to convince me on signing up. I refused and refused and insulted everyone who had one. I even mocked it. I told myself if there was one thing I'd never have in my entire life, it'd be a Twitter account. The next day, I gave up and made one. It's been my whole life since. *sigh*

It's been years, and I've still got them active. I'm such an internet geek. It's only a matter of time until I decide to make a post on the online games I've played which were ju- Actually, I don't wanna go there. Let's leave this as it is.

Oh and if you're a stalker or just plain curious, I've got links to the ones I still use on the sidebar where it says "PROFILE". I don't know how some of you can even overlook that, but just click the word and it'll take you there.

---

I'm going to sleep. If anyone's interested, I'll be on MSN later at around 2-3AM. Send me a friend request if you're interested in having a chat. Yahoo!, AIM or whatever you decide to use, I think it's already possible to inter chat (Use a Yahoo! messenger to chat with someone using an MSN messenger for example).

Either that, or send me an e-mail as a substitute for snail mail or something. I'm just that bored to be honest. School supposedly starts next week and I don't know if I've enrolled or not yet. Whatever, man. Truth be told, I just want attention. Mmmmmmmmm.. Attention.

all i needed was a call that never came.

I have been spacing out every now and again but I have no solid explanation as to why it's happening. The most plausible conclusion I made for it was because I've been thinking too much again. I feel like I think so much that I just don't even realize I'm thinking, that I don't even know what I'm thinking about anymore.

Things are happening too fast again. It's as if the whole world's spinning faster than normal. Maybe it's just me being sleepy. Let's experiment: I'll sleep now, and wake up again at around 3AM and see if I feel any different. Aaaand.. Out.

---

It's 3.45AM. I feel even worse. This really puts things into perspective. Never think in the middle of the night half conscious and half aware of anything around you.

Then again, I guess this mood/feeling is better than anything else during the day. It's so quiet and peaceful, inside and outside. As if every problem in the world stopped and everyone's all happy and in sync with everything else. Either this is just me thinking in a very introverted way, or I'm just really nocturnal. To put it correctly, maybe everyone's already in sync with everything else and it's just me who's really out of sync here.

All this ranting is making me feel hungry too. Mmmm.. Food. My most favorite food in the whole world is macaroni and chees- Oops, sorry I went out of topic there. Really though, it's my most favorite food in the whole wo- Okay, I'll stop now.

The best thing to describe this mood/feeling is 'tired'. I had a post about this feeling before and I described it as 'something missing'. Yes, maybe I'm just lonely. Or depressed or some shit. Whatever, don't judge me. I'm only human and I'm sure you are too. We all feel a little fucked up sometimes.

To wrap this up, it's a kind of tired that sleep can't fix.

save your breath and i'll talk instead.

There are people who put up plastic faces. Faces they show to others, faces they want others to believe are genuine. These people are full of shit. To hide the truth is not only lying to others, but lying to yourself. Some people would go to any lengths to prove their plastic face is real, some people even wind up insane believing it's real even when they know deep down it's a complete fake.

I'm not going to hide anything, in my own honest opinion there are just some people in the world that aren't worth being real to. What you see is what you get, and that's what I'm going to give you. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not going to lie if I know inside that I like it, nor will I just be nice and say that I do even when I know I don't. Of course, that's just me. What about you?

Some call it being heartless, I call it being brutally honest. For example, you are about to be given a cupcake. Would you rather have the one that's bitter but sugar coated with something sweet, or the one that's bitter and nothing else? Don't tell me you won't pick the one with the sugar coating, because a vast majority would do just that.

In all honesty, that's what everyone wants in the world. People who sugar coat them with what they think is nice. Only a select few in the world want to face the bitter reality. Different people put up different kinds of defense mechanisms so they won't get hurt, so they don't have to face the bitterness, so they can get away and escape from reality.

A friend of mine once said, "escaping reality is like escaping the trial meant for you to go through in order to begin your journey of self discovery". The point I'm trying to make is obvious, don't try to escape reality. You're only fooling yourself if you think escaping reality is living. It isn't.

By escaping reality, you're only lying to yourself for not facing the truth, for not facing the fact that what is is what is. You'd be living a lie, hell, you'd be a lie. You'd be putting up a plastic face for everyone to see, because the real you inside that face doesn't want to face what's in front of you. You'd only be trying to convince yourself that a lie is the truth. It's pathetic, it's disgusting, it's fucking stupid.

To know the truth, and cover it up with lies because you don't want to face it... How low can you get? It's like saying you love someone, but holding it back and saying you don't because you're afraid of the truth. You're in denial and murdering a part of your world. What's worse is getting caught in the act. It's not so bad if nobody knows, but once you get caught doing this, every image about you is completely shattered.

All the truths you've said in the past are now moot after what you did, and moving on from that, how can you expect someone to believe what you say anymore? In the end, everything you say and will say will just end up as a doubt, nothing believable anymore. You've done it once, you can do it again. It's all face value from there.

Face reality, don't kill it.

honestly, i have been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me.

It's been ages since I've done a cover and put it online for people to see. I still play my guitar every chance I get, and I think I've improved quite a bit compared to how I played before. I'll probably upload a cover here and on Youtube instead of Facebook now. I've always thought of the guitar as something really special. In my head, playing a song on the guitar allows me to speak of words I myself cannot utter. I play the songs I play for a reason.

Life's been fine. Nothing special, just fine. I've been spending most of my time cooped up in my room on the laptop waiting for some divine miracle. My emotions the last couple of days have been affecting my actions and the people around me take it the wrong way. It's normal to me, but not to the people around me and for that, I've got to apologize. My moods and actions have been very apathetic but the apathy can't be helped. I'm not angry, or sad, or anything. Okay maybe I am, but whatever, I've just got a lot on my mind.

There's been so much on my mind that I just cannot think of what to talk about here anymore. There's just too many things to talk about, too many things left unsaid, too many things left unfinished, too many things left messy. I just cannot stand it, so I'll sit down. Hah. Y'know what, I think I'll just talk about what I did today.

I have this horrible routine where I'd sleep at around 11PM and wake up at 3AM. At that time, I just sit around staring at the ceiling, listening to music and thinking. Either that or I'd be online looking for something to do until I feel sleepy again. I usually end up falling asleep by 5AM. I end up waking up at 9.30AM, where the day begins. Today, I cleaned up my room, arranged my stuff, fixed my closet and fixed up my overly stuffed wallet.

One thing I've realized is that I keep far too many things for "remembrance". I found top-up cards from Brunei, my gym card, and other old cards that are of no use anymore. I also found a bunch of movie tickets and receipts from here and there. One of them was a receipt for dinner at Karate Kid. It brings back so many things... Good times. So much for that. I placed everything I considered a keepsake in my closet. My wallet's become really skinny.

To be honest, I like keeping things like that. It brings back memories and makes me feel like I've still got what I no longer have. It's depressing I know, but hey, we all do what we can to get by. Over the last couple of days, I've also realized just how much I care for some things. I just care far too much. Well, I already knew that before, but I thought I got rid of the characteristic, or whatever you call it.

I miss a certain people. A certain person to be exact. One last thing I've realized is that my mind still hasn't changed. Stubborn is as stubborn does, and I'm keeping my faith, I've got nothing to lose. This summer's been full of mistakes I just wouldn't learn from.

It's a quiet and rainy 3rd of June. I hope you all are enjoying it.

the things worth saying.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

-Albert Einstein

There are quite a number of people I know that just degrade themselves to the level of shit. I don't know why, but I'm guessing some do it for attention. Others would probably do that out of self pity, and the rest probably just felt like it, who knows. I absolutely hate it when I find out someone I know thinks so negatively about themselves. Some people just don't know their worth. I'm not saying I'm not one of them, I have my moments with self pity too. Everyone does.

Yes, crying and wallowing in your own self pity is a good thing sometimes. It helps us remember that this is reality, and we're still alive. To know that we are human after all. Just don't overdo it with the waterworks and the emotional negativity, too much is never a good thing. To think that you aren't just as important and wanted as anyone else around you makes you a complete and total dumb shit.

Wake up, insecurities won't make you feel any better. It only goes one way, and that's if you think you're full of shit, then you probably are. End of story. Everyone's got something inside them that they hate, or maybe just something about themselves that makes them feel bad. So, you have this "disadvantage", who gives a damn? Nobody. Well, maybe you but whatever. You could have a cleft lip for all anyone cares, that doesn't make you any less special from anyone else.

Point is, every single one of us is special in our own way. We can have anything, but we just can't have it all. Everyone's got something nobody else has except for themselves, be grateful for that. Yes, there will always be someone better than you out there and that's understood. If you look at it the right way, that's actually a good thing. I mean, if there was nobody better than you, how can you get better when you already know you're the best?

You are what you eat, from your head to your feet. Feed yourself rubbish and that's what you shall be. Feed yourself awesomeness, that's what you will fucking be.

if i weren't so young, stupid and reckless.

I had this really good idea for a blog post... But I forgot all about it on the way back home from an outing. I've been fixated on trying to get some time to myself over the last couple of days. Just me and nobody else. It's been quite hard to get that nowadays, but I'm not one to care how hard it is, I just want it. No housework to worry about, nobody to think of, nothing holding me back or caving me in, just me facing reality alone... Even if it's just for a day.

I told myself I'd ride the first bus I saw and take the furthest destination it went to... Okay fine, I didn't really take the first bus I saw but I took the first one that came my way. I'm the kind of person who enjoys really long rides by car, by bus or whatever that's air-conditioned. It gives me a sense of peace in my head, like I'm going somewhere far away to get to where I want to be. I just really fucking hate it when I'm stuck in one place for too long (don't ask how I survived Brunei).

I thought about a lot of things in the bus. Every single day is an adventure and learning experience if you know how to take it in. I ended up seeing so many different kinds of people, eating different things and just plain enjoying me, myself and I. Time flies when you're having fun, no matter how stupid the fun is. I even managed to watch a movie alone with a HUGE bag of popcorn (it was as big as my knapsack) and a HUGE cup of iced tea (it's as tall as my forearm).

I looked like a total slob walking into the cinema by myself carrying all that and a ticket. Just so fucking sick and lifeless! I found that funny, because no matter how disgusting or stupid it looked to others, I just didn't give a damn because I was having a good time. It goes to show just how much bliss you can give yourself if you just didn't give a damn about what anybody thought of you.

It feels good, man. The bus ride back was even greater than the ride going to where I was. There was traffic, rain and good music on my iPod going on. If you take time to enjoy the smallest things, it could mean a lot more to you somehow some way. A lot more than you think. At the end of the day, I got home with a huge grin on my face. I didn't do anything productive, but I felt accomplished in every way.

A little effort and some appreciation for yourself can go a long way. Think it, and it'll be yours.

i'm writing this down, and wishing you well.

"Seventeen and Invincible"

- Boys Like Girls

Just about a year away from freedom, I still feel indifferent. According to my birth certificate, I am. According to my head, I'm not. It's been stated clearly that the moment I come of age, no matter what stunt I pull or what decision I make, it's solely my responsibility and nobody can tell me off or get pissed or whatever. My life, my shit after all. Then again, that's nice and all but it's a year away.

I'd hate to admit it, but I'm excited for that moment to show up. Being a legal adult, the restraints and bonds from parents and authority figures are broken and the only real authority anyone has on me will be moot. Heck I'll be the only one with authority over myself, how great would that be?

There are still those times where I think twice about this though. As excited as I am, I don't want to rush it. Life's going by just fine although things could be better. Things could always be better, after all a human being's satisfaction is a bottomless pit. I mean, weighing out all the pros and cons, it would mean a lot of different things.

I'd have more responsibilities. I'd be in charge of anything that had to do with me. I'd have obligations that only I will be able to do, and there will certainly be things that just wouldn't fall under the category of awesome once you're an adult. It's fucking scary, that's what it is.

All that aside, things are just always scarier than they seem the first time. The first step is always the hardest. There are still quite a handful of benefits from that too, and who doesn't like benefits? Nobody. I can have a tattoo and no one can say shit to stop me. I can drink, smoke or just plain find something to kill my body in the long run like everyone else does and nobody can stop me. Well, okay that's not something I'd do anyway but that's a benefit.

Not only that, I can eat, drink, and do whatever I fucking want in the world! Wait no, fuck that, UNIVERSE! Come to think of it, I can be with absolutely any girl I desire in the whole world and nobody has the damn authority to stop me from that! HAHA y'know what, adulthood is going to be great when I get there.

But of course, I'm not trying to be a killjoy but this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. Who knows, I may even get to the point of adulthood and still be under the complete authority of Mummy or something. That would be a laugh. BUT NO, I will be a man. More manly than any of those men they made in Mulan to defeat the Huns.

I'd hate to say it, but the older I get, everything I've said in this post just completely contradicts the fact that I want to be young again. (like 4 years old, care-free and innocent) Makes no sense doesn't it? First I said I wanted to get to adulthood, no rush and all... And now I'm saying I want to say forever young. You can call me crazy, but being a kid is just fine for me (this post just doesn't make sense anymore).

At seventeen, this is my imagination of adulthood. I know damn well I'm still a child at heart. Who isn't anyway? To conclude this post, it was fun looking towards the future and how it'd be like when I get there (although some facts stated above have already been confirmed) but I'm fine with right now. I'll live in the moment, and that's just fine by me.

---

I think I'll put a time limit on myself. As of today, if there is no progress after a month or so, I'll forget it and go back to square one. It'd be stupid holding on to something that just isn't going anywhere now, wouldn't it? Progress would mean even a slight bump, a peep, I don't care, just... something from you and it would be enough for now, I guess. It does not matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop. I don't want to do this, but it just isn't healthy for me making no progress whatsoever. This is just so one-sided now.

negativity is an understatement.

Be warned. This isn't one of my usual blog posts. I'm just not in the mood to fuck around right now. If you're not interested at me ranting about negativity and venting out frustration and anger, do not read this. I will post something 'worthwhile' after this... when I feel like it. Whatever.

---

To know who your friends are, who your REAL friends are... That's not something easy or simply put. A friend is a person who is on good terms with another, whereas in medieval times a friend is someone who is not considered a hostile threat to another. But right now in our time, a friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, one who gives assistance and different virtues such as trust, empathy, understanding, compassion and whatnot.

There are many different kinds of friends. Some who take advantage, some who pretend, and some who manipulate. To find a friend who is genuine, however, is a long shot among them all. When you do find one that fits that bit alone, do not take them for granted. Be proud of the friends you've got, be it an army of them or a just a handful, each one is special you cannot put a price on. Young or old, whatever difference, a friend is a friend.

Many just don't understand that. Most take friends for granted, some even for their own benefit alone thinking only for themselves. The bullshit in that situation is that some acknowledge it and just let it be anyway since some are just really lonely, desperate for attention, or are just really fucking forgiving.

I'm one of them but I know when to put my foot down when things go too far. It just disappoints me far too much to know that there are people in the world I consider friends who have this characteristic. On the up side, I still look at them positively, no matter how bad I know then can steer me wrong. Everyone deserves a second chance.

There are times when things do go too far, and when that happens, I'm not one to forgive. I forgive but I don't forget, and when the time comes that you go too far, I don't give a fuck if you jump off a bridge, I'll only forgive you when I see fit. Everything has consequences, I know that too well. Even after all that, there are still some situations for a stubborn asshole like me to not know exactly when it has become too much.

A friend is a friend, and everyone should know just how to treat something that valuable.

Although everyone deserves a second chance, some just don't deserve it yet.

---

No matter what stunt you pull, a lie is a lie. Like Merlin said: "When a man lies, he murders a part of the world". However you want to put it, a lie will always manage to find a way out. When you lie and another finds out, no matter how hard you try to fix it, the damage would have already been done. You cannot undo a lie. You're doomed from the start, thus you just absolutely under no circumstances cannot end it right once it's started wrong.

Worst of all, if you can lie to a certain person, you sure as hell can do it again to them.

a synthetic sensation.

So much for a storm. Today was fuckin' hot! I guess that means tomorrow then! I sure hope it's a no show though, I like it when it rains but too much is never a good thing. I've enjoyed the weather the last couple of days due to the fact that it was raining, not too hard or soft, just right. The rain gives me a very soothing feeling of... wanting to go to the toilet. Okay, not really, but yeah it's soothing. It's as if it's washing away all the negativity, to me at least... I'm a very negative and pessimistic person though, there's no doubt about that.

There is one thing I do not like about rain though. When it rains too hard, the bugs go out to play. I'm afraid of bugs okay, maybe not afraid... Terrified, frightened, scared shitless? Somewhere along those lines, but yeah anyway... Just forget I said anything.

---

To be quite honest, I just don't really have anything to blog about today. I know I said I'd put up a long ass post today, but it's not done yet! Well okay fine, I haven't even started yet. I think I'll put it up some other time, there's always tomorrow right? I just talk about whatever comes to mind. Most of the time, whatever I end up blogging about has something to do with something that happened recently or something I find interesting or important.

Dearest reader, if you by any chance want to contact me, send an e-mail, leave a message, make a comment! My e-mail's right there by the sidebar along with the links to my profile on 3 other websites I regularly go to, there's a chatbox below it in case you want to drop a small message (The damn spammers are annoying the fuck out of me though) or something, whatever. It'd be nice to know just who the hell is reading this and what they think.

It'd be nice to hear from certain people.

sunlight, sunshine.

I shall make a long, ass post later around midnight given the chance. Was at RFC, I bought a block of cheese because I love cheese. Going boxing in a bit before the storm settles in. Chedeng is expected to settle either today, or tomorrow.

Physiological fact:

The human body's response to love are pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate. These are the same responses the body gives off when experiencing deep fear.

ku katakan dengan indah.

The Rapture didn't go as everyone planned. I'm not bragging or anything but this is the 5th end of the world I've survived to date. What's up? Aside from surviving the end of the world (again), I haven't really done much lately.

I'm usually up till around 4AM with a naps in between (nobody stops me anyway so I can't be fucked to sleep early unless I feel like it. I'll do what I want k) just playing games online or just watching videos and listening to music on Youtube. When 4AM hits, I usually just crash into bed and clean up my mess when I wake up. I don't share a room with anyone anymore so it's cool and all.

Of course there's that shit your pants thrill of someone just randomly peeking into your window at 2AM (huge windows, no curtains) what with all the noises going on outside. There was that one time I freaked myself out thinking my T-shirt hanging on the closet was some dude standing next to me but.. Yeah, let's not talk about that.

I haven't gone out exploring like I usually did ever since I got back from the province. Most of the time, I'd be at home playing bum and annoying the fuck out of everyone in the house with my moodswings. I bet there'll be another one in about 5 minutes. I miss just going out whenever I please enjoying the outside world, I can do that but there is no motivation to anymore. I guess I've gotten used to the Philippines.

That being said, I still do go out every 2 days though. I'd be in the boxing gym 4 times a week at most, but I usually just end up going 3 times a week nowadays. That doesn't count as exploring since it's a routine. I'd go boxing, do the 3 hour routine they give me and go back home.

Back at home, there wouldn't be anything productive to do after dinner. Each and everyone has their own thing, mine would be killing time on the PS2 or just playing the guitar, whatever floats my boat. At the end of each day (4AM for me), I just crash into bed, take a glimpse at my very unused phone and stare at the ceiling for a couple of minutes and "think" till I fall asleep.

Y'know what? Don't think, feel. It may be a very mental universe, but thinking in one will just drive you up the wall. Just feel your way through it all, and take things as they come. I'm not saying thinking is a bad thing, but there's a right time for that. The hardest thing to do in the world is to think and sometimes, some things just aren't cut out for thinking about. In boxing, the moment you try to think of what to do, that's when you lose. A human being can only do so much, thinking and fighting at the same time isn't one of them.

Have you ever loved and thought about it all? If you can think of it, if you can explain it, if you can fucking put it in your head and let people judge what you feel and tell you how they see it, then that isn't love. Love isn't a thought. You can't put love into a thought... But you can feel it.

The love, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever shit they may be, they're yours. Not mine, not anybody else's. Don't let ANYBODY, I don't give a fuck if it's the damn king of the world, nobody has the right to tell you what to think, what to feel, and what to do. To live is the rarest thing in the world, don't let another take that away from you.

The famous latin phrase from the poem of Horace, CARPE DIEM; Seize the day.

I love boxing, making music, playing the guitar and singing my guts out. I love staring at the stars, eating baked macaroni, crying my heart out because it feels good, and laughing my ass off because I can. I bite my nails, I'm afraid of bugs, I have diabetic tendencies and I'm an asshole to strangers. I'm in love with a girl who's older than me, who's so far away, who I can't be with, and I'm in love because I am, I don't know why and I don't need to know why, I just do.

You can think, feel and do whatever you want, it's a free world. To live by another's rules and not your own isn't living; that's living a lie.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't give a rat's ass what others think when it comes to what I want, what I do, and what I feel. It's mine, nobody else's. It's a big universe, make your own damn it.