inner light, under star.

The first day of college was pretty good. Finally getting my chance to stick around with people in my age group has done some good... and some bad throughout the day. My first impression of my class and school life 'to be' wasn't what I expected. I didn't really expect much, but it went better than I thought it would have. Everyone's got their own group of friends, while I'm the social outcast sitting around waiting for class to start and end. I don't mind, I don't have to deal with any bullshit from anyone except for my own.

I'd be lying if I said I liked my class. I found most of them fucking annoying, attention seeking, inconsiderate and exceedingly arrogant.. But who am I to judge? It's only been a day. I guess we'll see how things go after a month or so. I've got uniforms and all that already, so I guess it's time I adapt for real. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it was fucking hilarious. Aside from my instructor calling prosthetic limbs "a prostesic" and a few classmates trying so hard to speak fancy English, they've got good senses of humor. Let's see how I do after a month. :)

~~~

Okay, I'm in the mood for some cheese. Here's something I came up with as I went along with it:

I could sit around and sing songs about you and me all day. I could talk and rant about you forever and a day to anyone who'd give me a chance. The first and last thing on my mind would be all you, just wondering how you are. Thinking, if we took a different step somewhere before all this, would we have been any different than how we are now? Hoping, you'll hear my calls for you to come back. Having faith, that through all the distance standing in between, you're still somewhere out there with me on your mind, and in your heart. I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you I was fine with everything going down, but I'd be lying to myself if I told you I don't love you anymore.

I'm still on my feet, are you? I just thought you should know.

That's enough for now. Speak and be heard, fear will only hold us back.

you'd help me out of the dark.

It's been a while since I've last blogged. A lot of things have changed nowadays. Inside, outside, and everything in between. I flunked my exams, the one that was supposed to finally get me into college and not repeat senior year a third fuckin' time. Seriously. Third time's the charm I guess? If you're wondering what the results were, here they are:

English / Filipino / Social Studies / Maths / Science
1 100 100 86 100 100
2 91 100 93 100 100
3 95 70 89 100 87

Okay, before I explain this, DO NOT ASK how I got everything in Math perfect. I do not know, it might probably just be a god damn miracle because I know I just tried my luck and picked the most plausible answer on the list without even doing the calculations.

Anyway, those are what I got out of those 600 fucking questions they made me answer within 10 hours. It was hell, I tell you. They all criticized and told me off on my decision of taking the exam despite my odds of passing in the first place. Aside from the fact that there were 600 questions, being a foreigner in my own country, and the argument on my condition, I took the exam anyway.

As you can see, I did pretty fucking well in my opinion. I've never, ever had social studies as a subject in Brunei, nor did I ever take formal lessons on Filipino. A divine miracle happened and I did not get a single mistake in Math, English went by just fine, and Science was not something I expected to get high in being the "Absent or Asleep" student that I was back in Brunei.

But I still did not pass the exam. Why? I got 70 for Filipino, on the very last set of questions. According to Filipino education, I need to have scored at least 75 and above for each and everyone of them. Just because I got everything perfect on the last two sets does not mean I'm exempted from that rule. So, long story short: If I got above 75, I'd be able to get into college.

But I didn't. So one measly flunk meant that I flunked the whole thing. Sigh. Do I at least get an A for effort? Too late, I'm sure.

***

On a brighter note, I've learned and picked up quite a few things about myself and other things over the last couple of days. I learned (or relearned. I probably forgot some as time passed):

1. I'm afraid of the dark, but I love the dark. It's soothing, subtle and romantic.
2. As much as I love boxing, nothing will beat the love I have for music, singing and guitars.
3. You can be rude, loud and obnoxious. You can be proud, and so on, but nothing describes you're strong more than being gentle. It takes a lot of strength to be gentle amidst all the dilemmas in the world. Lola taught me this.
4. I still have some traumas from the past I can't get over.
5. I still enjoy being very cheesy.

Nothing wraps up a night like a rant and some music to boot.

then and now.

AND I QUOTE;

"someone to think of to these songs; someone to say sweet nothings to; someone to think of before i sleep and wake up; someone to say 'i love you' to; someone to call SAYAAANNGGG; someone to tell me "everything's gonna be alright" even if everything's too fucked up; someone to be handsome for; someone to inspire you to be better; someone to give you butterflies when she's around; someone who comments on your facebook page random things just to make you laugh; someone who makes the effort to make you laugh even if you're down; someone who kisses your tears away; someone who gives a fuck about whatever you're up to even if it's useless.. someone.. just someone to be happy just being with me.. to be with me-- not just physically but emotionally.. that special someone i call mine."

the sprinkles on my donut

the whipped cream on my waffle

the cherry on my ice cream

the rainbow after my rain

the star on my every night

the cheese on my sandwich

the lyrics of my song

the syrup on my pancake

the icing on my cupcake

the picture of my album

the beat of my drum

the rhythm on my guitar

the apple of my eye

the sugar in my coffee

the jill on my hill

the law in my physics

the anatomy in my biology

the reaction in my chemistry

the spelling in my english

the equation on my math

the balance in my account

the program in my computer

the tweet on my twitter

the post on my blog

the status on my facebook

the pm on my msn

the highlight of my weekend

the day of my week

the breath in my lungs

the voice in my head

the ink on my pen

the scribble on my paper

the note in my locker

the doodle on my arm

the girl of my dreams

the smile in my happiness

the love in my life

the every waking second of my every fucking day.

---

I was reading my past posts on this blog. This is how cheesy I was years ago. 2 years ago, to be exact. I still am. I also realized just how different I think now compared to back then. It's hilarious how I get this "holy shit" reaction whenever I find something that brings back memories as to how I was back then. It's all just so different now. Then again, I'm a sucker for cheesy things up till now. Some things don't change.

---

welcome to the world, izaq.

i was small.

i was innocent.

i was mistaken for a girl, too.

i was fair.

i dressed up pretty fancy back then.

but we all grow each and every day.

then we start rebelling.

i tried cross-dressing, never worked.

young, stupid and reckless. still am.

my diabetic tendencies.

after a while, we hit puberty.

we all go through that punk stage.

there's that emo stage too.

we start seeking for freedom and excitement.

we become self conscious and corrupted along the way.

we start noticing the opposite sex too.

but we still keep growing through them all.

I've grown quite a bit haven't I? I'm not done growing yet. :)