eat lead.

Everyone has probably been led on at least once in their life. In my opinion, there is no feeling worse than being led on. The hope, patience, and effort you put into that something or 'someone'. The persistence, time and hard work you took and wasted. The thoughts and feelings you went through over and over.

In the end, you slip on the very tightrope you walk and hang there in the balance. The metaphor in this is the clutch you have on that tightrope you slipped on itself. As being led on goes, you get struck and come to the point of making that path changing decision not everyone finds easy to conclude.

Do you hold on, pull yourself up and continue on knowing you might just slip and get hurt again but not knowing where the end of the tightrope will be anyway? OR, do you just give up and let go, fall into oblivion not knowing whether where you'll land and end up in will be good or bad?

This is something that can happen anywhere. Work, school, home, love life, social life, wild life (lol).

Example 1: Boy likes girl. Girl makes boy think girl likes boy. Boy puts time and effort to get girl. Girl plays along with no intent of being taken. Boy is left hanging with no conclusion but shattered hope and disappointment.

Example 2: Child sees toy. Child wants toy. Child asks parent if they can buy the toy. Parent says they'll think about it making child hope they'll get it even if they have no intention of buying toy. Child blindly believes it. Child gets hurt because toy wasn't bought.

Example 3: Employee asks for raise or promotion. Boss gives employee large workload and presentations to complete and prepare within deadline. Employee works his/her hardest to achieve boss' approval. Boss has no intention of promoting employee. Employee's effort wasted in the end.

The fact of the matter is it hurts so much being put in that situation. It maybe something small and irrelevant, sometimes even simple to some. I don't know about you, but that's just not the case for me, it would be the complete opposite. There are MANY other kinds of situations, but I could only think of the main 3.

The fact that you mustered up all the courage and effort to even try to walk that tightrope would be a feat to some (To me, it would be something very fucking impressive), while to others it would be just another 'walk in the park'. That's not the end of it. Knowing the fact that if you let go, you wouldn't complete what you started anyway just really fucking sucks.

To top it all off, knowing you slipped, got hurt and just let go and gave up from your intentions and hopes... That just really fucking sucks even more!

My description and thoughts of it alone feel painful already, but that's just me, it's a blog and that's what I intend to be doing though I do not know if the reader feels what I pour onto my posts. I was sitting in my room tonight and was wondering what I should make a post about and remembered a small instance that first popped into my head, a story told by my aunt. So that's how this post came to be.

BUT ANYWAY, I don't know any ways out to avoid or get over being led on as it isn't something I've learned and experienced fully (I don't intend to either!). Yes, I've gone through things like this before and managed to get through just fine, it's just that my methods aren't exactly something to brag about.

... But I'll tell you anyway. Whenever I felt like I was being led on, I'd throw a bitch fit and get pissed at anything or anyone, toss out my frustrations and then sleep it all off. If I don't feel better after waking up the next morning, I repeat cycle until I do. It's pathetic, isn't it?

I don't recommend doing that, but I do recommend avoiding the situation as much as possible. Hell, if I were you, I'd just not even try if I knew it was something that would happen in the long run. That, ladies and gentlemen, is the catch of being led on, you don't know if it will. Truth be told, you wouldn't know if it was happening either until the point where you're just too damn fed up and sick of it, and by then it would've already been too late.

To the person leading another on, just think of the karma you'll get hit with. What goes around comes around, and once it comes around... Just imagine how hard it'll bite you in the ass tenfold. That's what you get. Fuck you for wasting time, effort and screwing us over by keeping us hanging on that metaphorical tight rope. Yeah.

I feel so much disgust for people who have the facial thickness to do this. To make someone look stupid by making them hope for something that's actually nothing, to make someone suffer over and over through waiting and wasting time and whatnot they put into this, just to end up in pain in disappointment.

To the person being led on by another, that's life. That's just the way it is. You win some, you lose some, you get screwed over, you fuck up. Learn from the mistakes. It's nothing simple but this isn't rocket science, just suck it up and go on ahead with it, it'll be behind you eventually if you just keep swimmin' (LOL DORY).

I leave you all with these two lines from a song by the Eraserheads. To the filipinos! ... And others who can understand what this means:

"Kung kelan ka naging seriyoso, saka ka nya gagaguhin."

"Diba, tangina, nagmukha akong tanga. Pinaasa nya lang ako, letseng pagibig to."

heaven can wait.

patience [ˈpeɪʃəns]

n

1. Tolerant and even-tempered perseverance.

2. The capacity for calmly enduring pain, trying situations, etc.

Forbearance, tolerance, composure... You have to admit, not everyone has patience in the world. One would demand things to just fall into his/her lap as soon as they need a specific thing while another would rather wait it out and "keep their cool".

There are people who don't know how to be patient, whereas they would blow their minds with anger if something took too long or if a certain situation didn't go their way. A good example would be some customers in a restaurant.

Oh yes! There you are waiting in line, just waiting to reach the counter so that a restaurant employee could take your order. People tend to fiddle with themselves, or try to distract themselves with their surroundings. Impatient people, however, are just plain assholes. There are people who try to skip the line and not wait their turn, some get shit pissed if the order takes too long to prepare.

Haven't we all experienced that? Minority of people have little to no patience. Too little of that is usually a really bad thing to most. That's too bad, because too much patience is actually quite a bad thing as well just like how too much of anything is bad for anybody.

Just think of this scenario. What if you were the person behind this REALLY patient son of a bitch who ordered a small takeout of food that is taking longer than usual in that restaurant? Assertive beings would realize that the order is obviously taking far too long than it's supposed to, but REALLY patient people wouldn't care.

They'd just stand and wait anyway, hoping and assuming that things will come in due time so there's no need to rush. Another scenario could be like my dilemma a few posts ago (Read "we'll be a dream" if you have no idea what I'm talking about). The test of your tolerance and patience could be your downfall.

Oh and of course, there's also that instance where if you don't have enough patience for something, you'd give up before you even get there or get it. Don't give up too soon, a little while longer wouldn't hurt if you've already waited quite a bit. Also, don't give up too late, realize when too much is too much that you just really have to get over it and move on.

Point of the post: Have patience, just not too much. You should know when enough is enough and be able to put a limit on certain things and situations. Nobody wants to deal with an impatient person, nor does anyone want to deal with someone too "loose".

I learned this a while ago. Take it from me, I'm just one hell of a patient asshole.

fear is adorable.

I do whatever it takes

When I'm with you I get the shakes

My body aches when I ain't

With you I have zero strength

There's no limit on how far I would go

No boundaries, no lengths

Why do we say that until we get that person that we thinks

Gonna be that one and then once we get 'em it's never the same?

You want them when they don't want you

Soon as they do feelings change

It's not a contest and I ain't on no conquest for no mate

I wasn't looking but I stumbled onto you must've been fate

But so much is at stake what the fuck does it take

Let's cut to the chase

But a door shuts in your face

Promise me if I cave in and break and leave myself open

That I won't be making a mistake

Eminem is a genius.

It's no contest or conquest. It's fate.

---

I know a couple of people in the world who think they're weak, who hold themselves back with fear. I like to think I'm not one of those people anymore, but it comes and goes sometimes. They have things they want to do, things they want to say, but they can't because they're too weak, they're not brave enough, they're afraid of getting hurt, rejected, denied. Or so they think.

Fear is a teacher, so I've learned. Whenever you let it get into your head, it only means you refuse to learn. That's what fear does, it scares you, it's fear after all isn't it? I keep telling myself: If it can't hurt you physically, then it can't kill you. So what is there to be afraid of?

Some say, "but if it doesn't go well, everything will end up awkward, and I'll die of embarrassment! I'll be so depressed and hate myself and it's..." Shut up. Really. Grow the fuck up. So what? If you're sad, then you are. If you're embarrassed, then you are. What does not doing what you want to do have to do with that?

To every action, there is always an equal and opposite reaction. It's the law. Isaac Newton's law (Hey, we have the same name!). Don't be a pussy, deal with the consequences. If it hurts, then it does. Get over it, move on. End of story!

Yes, it's easier said than done, but will you get anywhere just wallowing in fear being a vanilla? Just because there'll be negative reactions in your every action doesn't mean there won't be anything positive with it too.

So you want to learn to ride a bike; you'll fall down and get hurt trying to learn, but you'll learn eventually if you keep trying. You want to confess your undying love for someone but there's a chance you'll be hurt and rejected. So what? The chances of that happening are just as much as the chances of that NOT happening.

Take that extra step. Your decision on whether or not you do something could be the decision on whether or not you'll be happy.

Push yourself, Pull through with it, and just like that great Nike innuendo, "Just Do It." So what's stopping you now? Get out there and do what you want to do, say what you want to say, feel what you want to feel, deal with whatever happens after and move on.

No pain, no gain?

we'll be a dream.

hope

1. To wish for something with expectation of its fulfillment.

2. To look forward to with confidence or expectation.

3. To expect and desire.

4. A source of mental strength and belief.

I started my day with a plan. I intended to go to a place, for some peace and quiet, a bit of studying, a little leisure and enjoyment at most. A certain someone in my life decided she wanted to come along too. I was told we'd leave right after she finished her workload. An hour of sweat, patience and work later, she finished. Oh, it didn't end there, instead she decided to take some time to do what she wanted, not thinking that there was someone waiting for her.

Ticked off and full of disappointment, I stormed off alone. A few minutes later, I received a text from her asking where I was. The patient and forgiving bastard that I am decided to tell her and wait for her to show up anyway. Of course, I gave her a piece of my mind telling her off for what she did (Don't say you're showing up for something if you don't intend to in the first place or aren't sure to make it anyway because anything can change in the very last minute. You can end up disappointing and hurting people), but I'm just a little too fucking nice for some stupid reason. Another hour or two of waiting later (I'm too pissed off to be sure), she still doesn't show up so I leave my waiting spot to eat and explore. 4 places later, she pops up. She drags me along with her to do her errands. Well whoop-di-fucking-do.

Before that I asked where she wanted to go, trying to be polite. I was given the idea that after all these errands, I'd finally be able to follow through with my plan. Right before she'd finish her workload, again, I sat in a shop and waited. To make sure I'd know how long she took, I looked at the time. 5:45PM. Cool, right? Yeah, well I left the shop at 7:30PM. Alone. She never showed up. No text, nothing.

Hell, I would have been fine with it actually, but did I get a rain check? Did I get a reconfirmation? No, not a word. I was a sitting idiot waiting for nearly 2 hours (This just proves how Taureans are the most patient of the Zodiac) AGAIN. She could have texted half an hour later or something saying she just couldn't make it, or how something came up or at least gave the decency to say she changed her mind.

The best bit of my long day? Right after I stormed off to eat dinner, I received a text from said person to come home and do my chores. Pissed off and hungry as it is (Not to mention I didn't even manage to follow through with my plan), I replied NICELY that I was just going to eat dinner. She assumed I just didn't want to eat dinner at home. No, wrong. I already had an order coming up that was paid for. Aside from that, it was a plan set in stone for me to eat out since the very beginning of the day. The moment I got home, I got bombarded with a lecture about dinner, being inconsiderate and uninformative and my chores being incomplete for two days already. Okay so it's my fault that I didn't do my chores, and it's my fault for not telling them my plans in the first place (Just for the record, everyone in the household was asleep and I just thought she'd be thoughtful enough to mention my plans to someone of authority at home which she knew clearly, though I could've texted too and told someone. Damn it, scratch that then).

Lesson learned. I can't blame the person though, it'll be pointless and doing that won't get anywhere. It was my stupidity and idiocy alone that decided what I decided and followed through with something that wasn't likely to happen in the first place. Now, I'm just so pissed off with myself for being so stupid. This could all have been avoided, but I didn't think it through. I was just too busy hoping, blinded.

It just hurts, y'know? That wasn't nice at all. Not for me, at least.

Today, I learned that I should really think my plans through and tell someone about it before I act. I learned that I shouldn't hope too big, it'll save me the disappointment and getting hurt in the end. Most of all, I learned that I should know my limits; to know when enough is enough. Oh I don't know, what do you think, reader? Wait, don't answer that, I'd only be looking for approval. I hope you learned something here, this was first-hand experience.

PS: To said person, if you somehow end up reading this: Thank you for the long and memorable day, I learned a lot today. Don't bother apologizing, you didn't do anything wrong, I guess.

Before I end this post, I'd just like to say We The Kings' Smile Kid album isn't so bad, but it isn't anywhere near good either. They could've done better.

sleeping with reality.

I swear nobody gets up for work at 5AM on a Sunday unless they've got an event to be at or something. I guess it's just me. I don't know why, but sleeping has never really been an issue for me. I consider it a privilege instead of a need.

I've been the type to not be able to sleep until about 2AM due to a caffeine rush. Then again, I never really did mind because I could just lie here and stare at the ceiling for hours on end. Okay fine, maybe I mind... Just a little.

The sleeping is the easy part, it's the waking up that gets us all don't you think? Being able to escape to our own sanctuary to enjoy and kick back from reality and just float around in your imagination. Doing as you please being "lord and master" of your own little world in your head.

Then after all that silent bliss, you wake up feeling refreshed, happy and just plain care-free. Until of course, reality decides to drive a truck right fucking into your consciousness and you suddenly remember all the dilemmas and predicaments you have to deal with in this black and white world.

That's when you just feel weak, numb, or far too lazy to get up. You just want to stay in that little notion of what reality should be like, that fancy little piece of infinity you have etched in your mind, but reality always wins.

And that's life, that's how it is and that's just the way things are. No matter how hard you drive, the truck of reality will always run you over, and we just have to accept it. Living in denial just means you're heading towards an inevitable car crash against reality.

Nobody wants to be a wreck. Take things as they come, it won't hurt. Accepting the facts means you just might be able to do something about it. Don't succumb to the negativity creeping around life, because no problem is permanent, there will always be a solution.

Get up, go out, live. That little fantasy in your head can be a reality, all you've got to do is dream big and go for it. With your dreams, not even the sky is the limit, so it's up to you to make your dreams happen.

And to think, all this came from a good night's sleep? Huh.

stay up and get down.

Maturity was never really my forte, or so I've heard.

immature

adj immature [iməˈtjuə]

1 childish and behaving like someone much younger.

2 not fully grown or fully developed; not ripe.

3 deficient in maturity; lacking wisdom, insight, emotional stability, etc.

I am in no position to contradict the definition of a dictionary... But here's my opinion anyway, take it however you want it, contradicting or not. When we speak in terms of science, the body reaches full development after teen years, early adulthood, however you want to call it. Metaphorically speaking, there is no limit to how much we can grow.

Insight is the capacity to understand.

Wisdom is the ability to utilize knowledge.

Emotional stability is the state of mental calmness or composure.

I, for one, only have the capacity to understand minority of the many complications of life. I know I can utilize whatever I know, if not, I wouldn't be able to type this down. As for my composure, I'm pretty sure I can keep myself in place alone. That makes me a mature human being, I guess.

However, some people in my very bright and colorful life (I think it's safer to say most) think I'm a pretty immature human being. I enjoy being loud, playful and care-free. Most of the time, people say I am not one to be taken seriously mainly because I joke around far too much. You know what I think?

To hell with that, I'll be as loud as I want and as playful as I can get. Life is the opposite of death, and death is just quiet and inanimate. I'm happy I can be this way, it's those who don't appreciate little things like this that don't deserve life at all.

Rule #1: Don't sweat the small stuff.

Rule #2: It's all small stuff.

- Dr. Michael Mantell

There is a limit for everything, just as in my opinion that there is a time to be mature as well was immature. If it were up to me, I sure as hell wouldn't want to be mature and calm all the time. Where's the fun in that?

Then again, being mature doesn't mean you can't have fun anymore, nor does being immature mean you can't be calm and wise. Don't take it the wrong way, I have nothing against being mature, it's just that some people define maturity the wrong way, for me at least.

Oh well, that's just how the way things are and I can live with that. You just cannot please them all. I am who I am, and that's all there is to it.

this is very dissatisfying.

I rarely get any sleep most of the time, but on particular days in the life of Izaq Dumlao, I managed to finish reading a book called "The Case of the Missing Boyfriend" by Nick Alexander. It was a pretty OK book in my opinion. It was well thought out, very informative and there are a couple of things you can't forget and pick up along the way. One of the things I picked up from this book was a law I never really heard of until now. In the words of the book:

"Mona's Law apparently stares that everyone wants three things -- that happiness is made up of a three piece jigsaw: a good relationship, a nice place to live, and a good job. Mona's law stares that it is mathematically impossible to maintain more than two out of the three. The reason that Mona's Law appears so true is that the human brain is by nature dissatisfied.

Dissatisfaction is one of the defining features of being human, and if it were not the case we would still be happily living in trees and eating bananas. The way we modern apes channel our dissatisfaction is to look at our three-piece puzzle and focus all of our capacity for dissatisfaction on the least successful third of our lives until the situation becomes, or at least appears to become, untenable. Equally, the human brain, unable to think about more than one problem at a time, creates a rosy pretence that the other two thirds are, for now at least, just dandy.

So when we're in a bad relationship we throw ourselves with relief at our jobs. It's not that the job is perfect, it's simply that we are too busy funneling our angst at the unsatisfactory home-life to care. We need to pretend that the job and the flat are fine just to survive. Equally, the day we fall in love, the job doesn't actually get any worse... it's simply that because we no longer need it to escape the awful ex (and because we would rather stay in bed shagging) we direct our angst at the job."

Now, how true is that, ladies and gentlemen? We are all very dissatisfied people, what is your say?

Another thing I picked up on that little e-book of mine was depression. No, it's not what you think. Just read it:

Depression is a feeling that comes from three things:

1. The feeling of unworthiness.

2. The feeling of hopelessness.

3. The feeling of entrapment.

To get over rubbish like this:

Step 1. Know your problems.

Step 2. Plan a solution for your problems.

Step 3. Imagine your solutions are already reality.

Step 4. Forget the negative, go with positive.

Step 5. Take action to making your solutions a reality.

Okay, so the protagonist of the book was reading a self-help book. But hey, a little knowledge wouldn't hurt every once in a while now would it? Enjoy.