if i weren't so young, stupid and reckless.

I had this really good idea for a blog post... But I forgot all about it on the way back home from an outing. I've been fixated on trying to get some time to myself over the last couple of days. Just me and nobody else. It's been quite hard to get that nowadays, but I'm not one to care how hard it is, I just want it. No housework to worry about, nobody to think of, nothing holding me back or caving me in, just me facing reality alone... Even if it's just for a day.

I told myself I'd ride the first bus I saw and take the furthest destination it went to... Okay fine, I didn't really take the first bus I saw but I took the first one that came my way. I'm the kind of person who enjoys really long rides by car, by bus or whatever that's air-conditioned. It gives me a sense of peace in my head, like I'm going somewhere far away to get to where I want to be. I just really fucking hate it when I'm stuck in one place for too long (don't ask how I survived Brunei).

I thought about a lot of things in the bus. Every single day is an adventure and learning experience if you know how to take it in. I ended up seeing so many different kinds of people, eating different things and just plain enjoying me, myself and I. Time flies when you're having fun, no matter how stupid the fun is. I even managed to watch a movie alone with a HUGE bag of popcorn (it was as big as my knapsack) and a HUGE cup of iced tea (it's as tall as my forearm).

I looked like a total slob walking into the cinema by myself carrying all that and a ticket. Just so fucking sick and lifeless! I found that funny, because no matter how disgusting or stupid it looked to others, I just didn't give a damn because I was having a good time. It goes to show just how much bliss you can give yourself if you just didn't give a damn about what anybody thought of you.

It feels good, man. The bus ride back was even greater than the ride going to where I was. There was traffic, rain and good music on my iPod going on. If you take time to enjoy the smallest things, it could mean a lot more to you somehow some way. A lot more than you think. At the end of the day, I got home with a huge grin on my face. I didn't do anything productive, but I felt accomplished in every way.

A little effort and some appreciation for yourself can go a long way. Think it, and it'll be yours.

i'm writing this down, and wishing you well.

"Seventeen and Invincible"

- Boys Like Girls

Just about a year away from freedom, I still feel indifferent. According to my birth certificate, I am. According to my head, I'm not. It's been stated clearly that the moment I come of age, no matter what stunt I pull or what decision I make, it's solely my responsibility and nobody can tell me off or get pissed or whatever. My life, my shit after all. Then again, that's nice and all but it's a year away.

I'd hate to admit it, but I'm excited for that moment to show up. Being a legal adult, the restraints and bonds from parents and authority figures are broken and the only real authority anyone has on me will be moot. Heck I'll be the only one with authority over myself, how great would that be?

There are still those times where I think twice about this though. As excited as I am, I don't want to rush it. Life's going by just fine although things could be better. Things could always be better, after all a human being's satisfaction is a bottomless pit. I mean, weighing out all the pros and cons, it would mean a lot of different things.

I'd have more responsibilities. I'd be in charge of anything that had to do with me. I'd have obligations that only I will be able to do, and there will certainly be things that just wouldn't fall under the category of awesome once you're an adult. It's fucking scary, that's what it is.

All that aside, things are just always scarier than they seem the first time. The first step is always the hardest. There are still quite a handful of benefits from that too, and who doesn't like benefits? Nobody. I can have a tattoo and no one can say shit to stop me. I can drink, smoke or just plain find something to kill my body in the long run like everyone else does and nobody can stop me. Well, okay that's not something I'd do anyway but that's a benefit.

Not only that, I can eat, drink, and do whatever I fucking want in the world! Wait no, fuck that, UNIVERSE! Come to think of it, I can be with absolutely any girl I desire in the whole world and nobody has the damn authority to stop me from that! HAHA y'know what, adulthood is going to be great when I get there.

But of course, I'm not trying to be a killjoy but this doesn't necessarily apply to everyone. Who knows, I may even get to the point of adulthood and still be under the complete authority of Mummy or something. That would be a laugh. BUT NO, I will be a man. More manly than any of those men they made in Mulan to defeat the Huns.

I'd hate to say it, but the older I get, everything I've said in this post just completely contradicts the fact that I want to be young again. (like 4 years old, care-free and innocent) Makes no sense doesn't it? First I said I wanted to get to adulthood, no rush and all... And now I'm saying I want to say forever young. You can call me crazy, but being a kid is just fine for me (this post just doesn't make sense anymore).

At seventeen, this is my imagination of adulthood. I know damn well I'm still a child at heart. Who isn't anyway? To conclude this post, it was fun looking towards the future and how it'd be like when I get there (although some facts stated above have already been confirmed) but I'm fine with right now. I'll live in the moment, and that's just fine by me.

---

I think I'll put a time limit on myself. As of today, if there is no progress after a month or so, I'll forget it and go back to square one. It'd be stupid holding on to something that just isn't going anywhere now, wouldn't it? Progress would mean even a slight bump, a peep, I don't care, just... something from you and it would be enough for now, I guess. It does not matter how slow you go as long as you do not stop. I don't want to do this, but it just isn't healthy for me making no progress whatsoever. This is just so one-sided now.

negativity is an understatement.

Be warned. This isn't one of my usual blog posts. I'm just not in the mood to fuck around right now. If you're not interested at me ranting about negativity and venting out frustration and anger, do not read this. I will post something 'worthwhile' after this... when I feel like it. Whatever.

---

To know who your friends are, who your REAL friends are... That's not something easy or simply put. A friend is a person who is on good terms with another, whereas in medieval times a friend is someone who is not considered a hostile threat to another. But right now in our time, a friend is a person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard, one who gives assistance and different virtues such as trust, empathy, understanding, compassion and whatnot.

There are many different kinds of friends. Some who take advantage, some who pretend, and some who manipulate. To find a friend who is genuine, however, is a long shot among them all. When you do find one that fits that bit alone, do not take them for granted. Be proud of the friends you've got, be it an army of them or a just a handful, each one is special you cannot put a price on. Young or old, whatever difference, a friend is a friend.

Many just don't understand that. Most take friends for granted, some even for their own benefit alone thinking only for themselves. The bullshit in that situation is that some acknowledge it and just let it be anyway since some are just really lonely, desperate for attention, or are just really fucking forgiving.

I'm one of them but I know when to put my foot down when things go too far. It just disappoints me far too much to know that there are people in the world I consider friends who have this characteristic. On the up side, I still look at them positively, no matter how bad I know then can steer me wrong. Everyone deserves a second chance.

There are times when things do go too far, and when that happens, I'm not one to forgive. I forgive but I don't forget, and when the time comes that you go too far, I don't give a fuck if you jump off a bridge, I'll only forgive you when I see fit. Everything has consequences, I know that too well. Even after all that, there are still some situations for a stubborn asshole like me to not know exactly when it has become too much.

A friend is a friend, and everyone should know just how to treat something that valuable.

Although everyone deserves a second chance, some just don't deserve it yet.

---

No matter what stunt you pull, a lie is a lie. Like Merlin said: "When a man lies, he murders a part of the world". However you want to put it, a lie will always manage to find a way out. When you lie and another finds out, no matter how hard you try to fix it, the damage would have already been done. You cannot undo a lie. You're doomed from the start, thus you just absolutely under no circumstances cannot end it right once it's started wrong.

Worst of all, if you can lie to a certain person, you sure as hell can do it again to them.

a synthetic sensation.

So much for a storm. Today was fuckin' hot! I guess that means tomorrow then! I sure hope it's a no show though, I like it when it rains but too much is never a good thing. I've enjoyed the weather the last couple of days due to the fact that it was raining, not too hard or soft, just right. The rain gives me a very soothing feeling of... wanting to go to the toilet. Okay, not really, but yeah it's soothing. It's as if it's washing away all the negativity, to me at least... I'm a very negative and pessimistic person though, there's no doubt about that.

There is one thing I do not like about rain though. When it rains too hard, the bugs go out to play. I'm afraid of bugs okay, maybe not afraid... Terrified, frightened, scared shitless? Somewhere along those lines, but yeah anyway... Just forget I said anything.

---

To be quite honest, I just don't really have anything to blog about today. I know I said I'd put up a long ass post today, but it's not done yet! Well okay fine, I haven't even started yet. I think I'll put it up some other time, there's always tomorrow right? I just talk about whatever comes to mind. Most of the time, whatever I end up blogging about has something to do with something that happened recently or something I find interesting or important.

Dearest reader, if you by any chance want to contact me, send an e-mail, leave a message, make a comment! My e-mail's right there by the sidebar along with the links to my profile on 3 other websites I regularly go to, there's a chatbox below it in case you want to drop a small message (The damn spammers are annoying the fuck out of me though) or something, whatever. It'd be nice to know just who the hell is reading this and what they think.

It'd be nice to hear from certain people.

sunlight, sunshine.

I shall make a long, ass post later around midnight given the chance. Was at RFC, I bought a block of cheese because I love cheese. Going boxing in a bit before the storm settles in. Chedeng is expected to settle either today, or tomorrow.

Physiological fact:

The human body's response to love are pupil dilation, sweaty palms, and increased heart rate. These are the same responses the body gives off when experiencing deep fear.

ku katakan dengan indah.

The Rapture didn't go as everyone planned. I'm not bragging or anything but this is the 5th end of the world I've survived to date. What's up? Aside from surviving the end of the world (again), I haven't really done much lately.

I'm usually up till around 4AM with a naps in between (nobody stops me anyway so I can't be fucked to sleep early unless I feel like it. I'll do what I want k) just playing games online or just watching videos and listening to music on Youtube. When 4AM hits, I usually just crash into bed and clean up my mess when I wake up. I don't share a room with anyone anymore so it's cool and all.

Of course there's that shit your pants thrill of someone just randomly peeking into your window at 2AM (huge windows, no curtains) what with all the noises going on outside. There was that one time I freaked myself out thinking my T-shirt hanging on the closet was some dude standing next to me but.. Yeah, let's not talk about that.

I haven't gone out exploring like I usually did ever since I got back from the province. Most of the time, I'd be at home playing bum and annoying the fuck out of everyone in the house with my moodswings. I bet there'll be another one in about 5 minutes. I miss just going out whenever I please enjoying the outside world, I can do that but there is no motivation to anymore. I guess I've gotten used to the Philippines.

That being said, I still do go out every 2 days though. I'd be in the boxing gym 4 times a week at most, but I usually just end up going 3 times a week nowadays. That doesn't count as exploring since it's a routine. I'd go boxing, do the 3 hour routine they give me and go back home.

Back at home, there wouldn't be anything productive to do after dinner. Each and everyone has their own thing, mine would be killing time on the PS2 or just playing the guitar, whatever floats my boat. At the end of each day (4AM for me), I just crash into bed, take a glimpse at my very unused phone and stare at the ceiling for a couple of minutes and "think" till I fall asleep.

Y'know what? Don't think, feel. It may be a very mental universe, but thinking in one will just drive you up the wall. Just feel your way through it all, and take things as they come. I'm not saying thinking is a bad thing, but there's a right time for that. The hardest thing to do in the world is to think and sometimes, some things just aren't cut out for thinking about. In boxing, the moment you try to think of what to do, that's when you lose. A human being can only do so much, thinking and fighting at the same time isn't one of them.

Have you ever loved and thought about it all? If you can think of it, if you can explain it, if you can fucking put it in your head and let people judge what you feel and tell you how they see it, then that isn't love. Love isn't a thought. You can't put love into a thought... But you can feel it.

The love, the feelings, the thoughts, whatever shit they may be, they're yours. Not mine, not anybody else's. Don't let ANYBODY, I don't give a fuck if it's the damn king of the world, nobody has the right to tell you what to think, what to feel, and what to do. To live is the rarest thing in the world, don't let another take that away from you.

The famous latin phrase from the poem of Horace, CARPE DIEM; Seize the day.

I love boxing, making music, playing the guitar and singing my guts out. I love staring at the stars, eating baked macaroni, crying my heart out because it feels good, and laughing my ass off because I can. I bite my nails, I'm afraid of bugs, I have diabetic tendencies and I'm an asshole to strangers. I'm in love with a girl who's older than me, who's so far away, who I can't be with, and I'm in love because I am, I don't know why and I don't need to know why, I just do.

You can think, feel and do whatever you want, it's a free world. To live by another's rules and not your own isn't living; that's living a lie.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I don't give a rat's ass what others think when it comes to what I want, what I do, and what I feel. It's mine, nobody else's. It's a big universe, make your own damn it.

like we used to.

HEY GUISE, I WAS LOOKING BACK AT MY PHOTOS AND LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

I eyepicked the ones I found interesting.

I was fuckin' skinny back then, wasn't I? Just look at that! Skin and bones!

My hair was shit long as well.

I miss Brunei.

I have this in my wallet. I miss these two batshit crazy chikas.

Say hello to the little kiddies! This dated back to December.

K THAS IT THANKS GUISE

slipping through my fingers.

I haven't been able to understand the gut feelings popping in and out of my head over the last couple of days. They just come and go, and usually leave me in a very quiet and easily pissed off mood that should not be. Watching movies just makes me overanalyze things, and I sure as hell am not interested in overanalyzing anything like this right now... I just want it out of my system. I've come to the point that I just have no clue what to do with it. Blogging surely isn't helping like it used to.

I've tried letting it out through the guitar, spazzing out on a video game or just eating it off, but it's like you've got something stuck in your throat that you're dying to get let out, but you just can't find a way to which leads you to for some reason feeling very empty everywhere else. You just can't be fucked to bother doing chores, talk, or anything remotely productive.

It's like you're jumping to reach something, but no matter how hard you try or how high you jump, it's as if it just gets higher and higher and trying just feels worthless after each attempt. Like you want to do something, but something's holding you back. Since you're being held back, you just end up feeling dissatisfied and very.. incomplete. Like something's missing. Then you just... Ah, fuck it.

Credits to foreverisours.tumblr.com

I asked myself If I should keep fighting or not.

At least I know what I'm hoping for.

i have a long line of things to say but i'll leave it at, "you amaze me".

"Never apologize for what you feel, it's like saying sorry for being real."

Doesn't it annoy you sometimes that it's just beyond your control what with all the rules, obligations, attachments, connections, problems and everything to do with life that we can't always feel what we truly want to feel? Yeah, fucking annoying.

It may be out of respect, or out of keeping the peace and responsibilities intact, but in the end of all that, it just kills you inside to know that what you truly feel inside is being held back by something of higher power and authority to you. What hurts even more is the fact that you can't do shit about it.

As much as you want to, there are things that are just the way they are and that's how they're going to be. You can't do anything about it, because it's just wrong. It's like shattering the center of gravity that keeps your world together. If you thought about it logically, you'd lose in every way. It's like you against the world, the chances of you overcoming the odds are just... shit. No offense.

There are just some things I shouldn't think about.

---

Do you know the feeling of being replaced? The feeling of you thinking just how likely it is for you to be replaced, what more not even knowing if you've already been replaced or not. Harsh shit. I, for one, am stubborn, plain stubborn. Some things can't be helped, they're just the way they are.. And I'm one of those people who can't accept that because I know deep down I could move heaven and hell to get what I want. Fuck yeah.

fallin' apart for fallin' together.

It's damn near 3AM, and I'm nowhere near close to sleepy. I'm contemplating whether or not to sleep because quite frankly, I can't be fucked to sleep in the first place. In the wee hours of the morning, I am celebrating my 17th birthday in the presence of my laptop, a fan and Mr. Stache. I suddenly got in the mood for a short post, so here we are.

Who knows just how crazy it'll be in the morning given that it is my birthday. I wonder what'll be up and happenin' and all. I intended to go boxing tomorrow, but since I already did today I'm just too damn lazy to go again the following day itself.

Here's what I learned today: Even the greatest things can fall apart. There is just as much chance for the greatest things to fall apart just as there is as much chance for the greatest things to fall together. If life were a coin, it'd be 50-50 so to speak. If there was a 50-50 chance for you to get your dreams in your grasp while at the same time a chance for you to fuck your life up forever, would you take that risk? Would you give yourself a chance to make or break it by hook or by crook?

Most will say they will, but when it comes down to the very moment itself, most just plain chicken out. Some take the greatest things for granted. For example, you've always dreamed of being a ROCKSTAR! The moment you become one, get famous and fulfill the ambition, most would end up thinking: "Can this get better or is this all that there is?" Well, that's a shitty mindset to be honest.

Some people just don't know what they've really got, just how special and valuable it is and all that... Until it's all gone. Do not ever take shit for granted, always be damn sure because who knows just what you could hurt, what you could lose, what you could destroy at the end of your shallowness. Once you get what you want, enjoy it. Cherish it. Fulfill it. Use it to its every capability. If you feel like the love you've got for it is lessening, do whatever it takes to remind yourself, to keep yourself going, because just because you've already gotten what you want doesn't mean that's the end of it. It's just the beginning.

If you can't handle that, then you never really wanted it as much as you thought you did when it comes right down to it. You just haven't got the balls to handle it. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE AWESOMENESS. Shit. Just think of that once you screw up and take something for granted why don't you? Karma's gonna bite your ass. Oh well, lesson learned reader. Impassioned post isn't it?

don't take another day away from me.

- Via Tumblr

give me a sign.

My blog is a place where I keep my thoughts and opinions, some memories and reminders, and a SMALL bit of what goes on in my mind for people to see in a form of words. It's all me and there is no other. I like to give, and for my satisfaction, I express myself here. I give myself my own world and my own piece of mind here (Yeah, and people say I don't have my own world). No, I don't suffer from Alexithymia where I have a difficulty expressing feelings to other people, but yes I do have a tendency to have a hard time expressing myself unless if it were in a form of chatting or typing mainly because it just feels all the more simpler and less intense.

You're entitled to judge my sentiments and whatever I put in here according to your point of view, it's yours and yours alone and you can bloody keep it for all I care because I don't give a rat's ass about other people's criticism towards what I think, what came from me, what makes me who I am. There is nothing wrong with what you think, it comes from you, why would you think it's wrong in the first place?

Oh, by the way, the 14th of May was a pretty good day for me. It's 1 minute to the 15th of May, but whatever it's all good. Anyway, my day comprised of video games, mangoes and bananas, lots of lifting and a very worthwhile conversation with a relative. As you can read above, I've been talking about me, myself and I. Vain, self-centered or narcissistic as you may call it, at least I know where I stand. Always remember that you should never judge where you stand from another person's point of view. That's what I've been trying to say, read up. Don't get it? Let me clarify.

You have your life, your shit. Now, if you look at your shit from another person's point of view, wouldn't that make it their opinion of your shit? How would you feel taking someone's opinion of your bowels as your own? Doesn't that make you a photocopy, a fake, a lie? Don't be ashamed of yourself, "You are who you are and that is truer than true. There is no one alive that is you-er than you" so Dr. Seuss says.

Your life, your shit. It's a universal understanding. If you don't get it, you probably aren't universal or whatever.. Scratch that. I was kidding, that made no sense. Going back to the topic, you should always, ALWAYS believe in yourself. Don't let another person tell you how to live your life, think of it and live it your way. In the end, when everything disappears, there will be nobody standing next to you, just you and your shit (I've really got to stop using shit as a metaphor, sorry).

Referring to my past post: "You don't need anybody or anything apart from yourself to be happy", yes that may be true, but that does not mean you can't have anybody or anything apart from yourself. If another person disagrees with something that has to do with you, or is against something from you, that's their shit, not yours. Don't feel bad now, they can either live with it or shove it up their ass anyway.

Concluding this post, don't let your life depend on another, don't let someone tell you how to live your life, and most of all, believe and you will achieve. It's your way or the highway, go out and live. Oh, and before you judge another person's life and how they're running it, take a good look at yourself first. When your shit becomes someone else's shit, you get into some deep shit so- OKAY I'll stop now. That, dear reader, is another story.

---

A whole month now, three weeks since. I know I'm stubborn, I know I'm still holding on, and I know I haven't given up yet but fuck what other people think, they cannot see what I see nor can they feel what I feel. I'm done thinking of what could have been, I'm thinking of what could be.. What could still be. In the words of Nico SB, an uncle and a brother by heart and blood:

"Believe, man. All you gotta do is believe it's still possible and it will be."

the attraction? i dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

I'm leaving a ladder full of reasons

Along with a line that starts to blur

Into a page that says you faded away too young.

- Go Radio.

I thought I'd be well over the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I thought I'd be even stronger by now. I thought I would know better and forget about all the mistakes and wrong assumptions, all the reasons and problems I went through. Instead, here I am still dwelling on all the wasted time and effort, thinking of what could've been and what is real to me.

In a span of two weeks, I've learned that everybody is just a branch for you to learn about yourself more. That everybody is literally just another path that crossed yours. Most of all, I've learned that I don't need anybody or anything apart from me, myself and I to be happy. It sounds selfish, narcissistic and biased, but it is the truth. I mean, aren't we all?

Nobody owes nobody nothin'. You owe yourself.

- Rock Balboa (III)

I see things much clearer now than I did before. Knowing everything that I know now makes me feel so disgusted at who I was before. Who I am hates who I've been, just like the song, but like someone taught me, I should just be laughing at that. It's nothing anymore since the past has passed and that at least I know how much better I've changed now.

But just because I don't need anybody or anything to be happy apart from myself, it doesn't mean I can't have anybody or anything. Someone. Something. Maybe it's just me being lonely again. You can move heaven and hell to get what you want, but if what you want, your dreams and your hopes, includes another human being, it is just plain immoral. It's not right.

In other words, you can want all you want, you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything, and you sure as hell can't make someone do the same. Do as you please, but just you. Don't include anybody else.

---

Found this in google a while ago.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

love is like an ocean,

it goes down so deep.

love is like a rose,

whose beauty you want to keep.

love is like a river,

that will never end.

love is like a dove,

with a beautiful message to send.

love is like a song,

that goes on and on forever.

my love is like a prisoner,

it's to you that I surrender.

I miss you, having you around to talk to, have you around to laugh with. Most of all, I miss just being with you. Where has all this gone?

strangers.

"If you want to know where your heart is, look to where your mind goes when it wanders."

I was lurking around tumblr like I usually did and I stumbled upon a photo that said that. It's been said that no matter what confusion or disagreement you may have between your heart and your mind, in the end the heart always follows the mind. Then I thought, "where is my heart right now?" and funnily enough, it was in my body pumping blood to cir- okay, just kidding. I did actually think of that though.

In my opinion, your heart is never usually with you. Have you ever noticed that every time someone mentions "your heart", your mind wanders to a certain somebody in an instant? It's either that or it wanders to the deepest pool of your desires. That's when you truly know you really want that something... Or you're just really fucking confused and insecure with your life not knowing what you really want yet. *hollow laughter*

Well, I know what I want. I've this itch to talk about what I want anyway, so let's roll with this post. I WANT... food right now. I just can't be fucked to get up and get some in the kitchen right n- okay, okay. In all seriousness, I want to make it BIG, to go sky high. Like, to infinity and beyond.

I've always wanted to be a kick-ass famous musician. I want to be that someone standing in front of thousands, wait no, to hell with that... MILLIONS chanting my name, playing a #1 single with MY band, with pyrotechnics going off in key moments of our performance, sweat and tears running through everybody's system, fog and those bright lights. The bright lights pointing to infinity and beyond.

"... That's so Bon Jovi."

HAHA. Hey, it's a dream I'm willing to go to any lengths for. A guy can dream, can't he? That's what I want, and getting there is in the palm of my hands... Just like how everything is in your hands when it comes to getting to your desires, too.

Fun fact: I want to get a tattoo that goes under my collar bone, or maybe on my forearm. I want it to say: ad infinitum. Now, that is awesome.

Okay, this post has gotten out of hand. It went from a tumblr post, to the heart, to what I want, to tattoos. This is madness.

you can rewrite and erase anything.

"The Moon forms an uncomfortable semisquare with your key planet Venus today, tying your feelings up in knots. A simple desire becomes more complex as you obsess about the power that love has over you. However, your worries may just be the result of an overactive imagination. Don't waste time thinking about something that may never happen. You'll be happier if you keep your attention on the present moment."

"The Moon's semisquare with Venus intensifies emotions right now as the power of love overtakes you. Stay in the moment rather than give in to your imagination."

I swear, sometimes I just fucking hate horoscopes. "Thinking about something that may never happen"? Fuck that, it may never happen, but there's still a chance that it will. Stubborn me says I will kick ass to get that something. I will move heaven and hell for it. Oh yeah.

Rant conclusion: I will not give up or give in. I will hope and believe.

THANK YOU *bow*