remembering sunday.

"Forgiveness is a quality of the strong because the weak cannot bear to forgive."

If you think logically, that quote is pretty accurate. Forgiveness involves doing a lot of things, that's why only the strong can manage to do it. To forgive another, you should first accept the fact that you're wrong. You need to have the balls to admit it and accept defeat. Next, you've got to acknowledge your mistakes. Then, you have to take responsibility for your actions. You need to take action, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

Believe me, it's easier said than done. Holding a grudge on someone will only make you feel worse as it is, so forgive and move the fuck on. However, forgiving does not always mean you're the one at fault. That's why there's the word "for" and the word "give" in it. You give way for someone else. Be the bigger person, you don't have to win everything to be a winner, you've already won if you think so.

In tagalog, we say 'pagpasensyahan'. In malay, we say 'memaafkan'. You don't need anyone else's approval to forgive, you just need your own peace of mind. You don't need any material things to forgive, you just need to have a heart. There are people who are really forgiving, but being forgiving does not mean they're doormats and pushovers you can take advantage of. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive because forgiveness is strength, but another thing even harder to do is forgiving yourself.

Before you can forgive another, you've got to first know how to forgive yourself. Accept and take responsibilities of your flaws and let it go, move forward. You'll be at peace with yourself, and you don't need anyone else but you to do that.

Be strong. Be forgiving. You're way ahead.

honestly, i have been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me.

It's been ages since I've done a cover and put it online for people to see. I still play my guitar every chance I get, and I think I've improved quite a bit compared to how I played before. I'll probably upload a cover here and on Youtube instead of Facebook now. I've always thought of the guitar as something really special. In my head, playing a song on the guitar allows me to speak of words I myself cannot utter. I play the songs I play for a reason.

Life's been fine. Nothing special, just fine. I've been spending most of my time cooped up in my room on the laptop waiting for some divine miracle. My emotions the last couple of days have been affecting my actions and the people around me take it the wrong way. It's normal to me, but not to the people around me and for that, I've got to apologize. My moods and actions have been very apathetic but the apathy can't be helped. I'm not angry, or sad, or anything. Okay maybe I am, but whatever, I've just got a lot on my mind.

There's been so much on my mind that I just cannot think of what to talk about here anymore. There's just too many things to talk about, too many things left unsaid, too many things left unfinished, too many things left messy. I just cannot stand it, so I'll sit down. Hah. Y'know what, I think I'll just talk about what I did today.

I have this horrible routine where I'd sleep at around 11PM and wake up at 3AM. At that time, I just sit around staring at the ceiling, listening to music and thinking. Either that or I'd be online looking for something to do until I feel sleepy again. I usually end up falling asleep by 5AM. I end up waking up at 9.30AM, where the day begins. Today, I cleaned up my room, arranged my stuff, fixed my closet and fixed up my overly stuffed wallet.

One thing I've realized is that I keep far too many things for "remembrance". I found top-up cards from Brunei, my gym card, and other old cards that are of no use anymore. I also found a bunch of movie tickets and receipts from here and there. One of them was a receipt for dinner at Karate Kid. It brings back so many things... Good times. So much for that. I placed everything I considered a keepsake in my closet. My wallet's become really skinny.

To be honest, I like keeping things like that. It brings back memories and makes me feel like I've still got what I no longer have. It's depressing I know, but hey, we all do what we can to get by. Over the last couple of days, I've also realized just how much I care for some things. I just care far too much. Well, I already knew that before, but I thought I got rid of the characteristic, or whatever you call it.

I miss a certain people. A certain person to be exact. One last thing I've realized is that my mind still hasn't changed. Stubborn is as stubborn does, and I'm keeping my faith, I've got nothing to lose. This summer's been full of mistakes I just wouldn't learn from.

It's a quiet and rainy 3rd of June. I hope you all are enjoying it.

slipping through my fingers.

I haven't been able to understand the gut feelings popping in and out of my head over the last couple of days. They just come and go, and usually leave me in a very quiet and easily pissed off mood that should not be. Watching movies just makes me overanalyze things, and I sure as hell am not interested in overanalyzing anything like this right now... I just want it out of my system. I've come to the point that I just have no clue what to do with it. Blogging surely isn't helping like it used to.

I've tried letting it out through the guitar, spazzing out on a video game or just eating it off, but it's like you've got something stuck in your throat that you're dying to get let out, but you just can't find a way to which leads you to for some reason feeling very empty everywhere else. You just can't be fucked to bother doing chores, talk, or anything remotely productive.

It's like you're jumping to reach something, but no matter how hard you try or how high you jump, it's as if it just gets higher and higher and trying just feels worthless after each attempt. Like you want to do something, but something's holding you back. Since you're being held back, you just end up feeling dissatisfied and very.. incomplete. Like something's missing. Then you just... Ah, fuck it.

Credits to foreverisours.tumblr.com

I asked myself If I should keep fighting or not.

At least I know what I'm hoping for.

woosah.

If it were up to you, would you listen to what everyone around you is telling you? The cold, hard facts they state... Or would you rather listen to the things being said in your head? The thoughts and feelings you believe in?

Don't get me wrong, I've hit mind-blowing decisions like these. You will either be put down by the facts, or will be lifted off the ground by your beliefs. I was just curious, what decision would you have made?

Facts are pieces of information known to exist by evidence or demonstration. They are things you can't go against, because no matter which side or angle you look at it, it's the truth and nothing but the truth. There is no hint of lie in a fact, it is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it.

Beliefs are the mental acceptances of and conviction in the truth. The faith and trust you have to what you know and what you think is true. The side and angle that only your eyes can see, regardless whether it is a lie or not. It is what you think it is and only you influence it, nobody else.

Now that you know the base of each side, which side will you be standing by? The side with all the facts fed by everyone else, or the side with all the faith you have in yourself? Tough luck, this shit's not easy. Let us give a scenario.

The best and most painful scenario you could possibly think of would be the one within a relationship. Speaking from a guy's point of view, you meet this nice, kind lady. After getting acquainted well enough, the chase begins. Days pass, she slowly becomes the person you want to keep talking to, the one you want to get to know more and more and the person you want to be with all at the same time. Soon after, girl admits her feelings for you too. You both hit stage 3 and label yourselves as a 'couple'.

Given that the last few weeks were probably the best couple of days you've ever had for a while, now that you're together, it's as if you're on cloud 9. You'd go out with your girlfriend, you'd have the best time ever. Only you can see it, feel it and actually be with it. That notion where it's as if everything within and around you is at peace, because you're actually truly happy. You know it won't last all day, but at least at that moment in time, even if it was just for a bit, you actually were.. And it was great.

Everything felt great. You'd talk and talk, and you'd both never run out of things to say. You were so comfortable with each other that even a moment of silence between the both of you would not feel the slightest bit awkward or disturbing. Everything you would say to each other would be understood to the very base of the word, without explanation. The best feeling in the world is the one where you know that someone is right there who understands you word for word, who cares about you, and that no matter where she may be out there in the world, she is thinking of you just as you are thinking of her.

You'd have a stupid grin on when you get home. You'd be so motivated to do anything because you're so full of energy. All those times with her, your inside jokes, your similarities and differences that fit so well together, how you both are said to always be blooming and just glowing with positive energy when together... And then all that just suddenly comes crashing down when you least expect it. Shattered completely.

The next stage of this story comes forth and takes place when you get "facts" from friends and family that everything was lie. That through observation, facts and stories compiled and analyzed, they saw that everything was a lie. You did not see it coming. At all. So, you were told: She lied about her feelings to get to you. She initiated this "relationship" to her advantage so she could get what she wanted out of somebody, that somebody being you.

That she toyed with your emotions. She toyed with your whole relationship and time with her to get what she wanted out of you. She lied and faked it all. What hurts the most is that after hearing all those facts, each and every fact had evidence to prove it all true. That after all that, you just don't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. What's true, and what isn't. What's right, and what's wrong. Everything that actually meant something to you, that even for a moment made you feel infinite, just withered away to nothing all of a sudden.

You just knew and felt your friends and family had good intentions, not meaning any harm or selfish reasons. They just really wanted to protect you from getting any more damaged and hurt as it is. You can't help but agree to that, because you know that's true. However, was what was between you and her, between the two of you and only the two of you, supposed to be something they should have meddled in and caused this issue?

Deep inside all the confusion, you just can't believe it because it sure as hell didn't feel that way. If it were even the slightest bit that way, you would have at least felt something. But no, you didn't. You just somehow knew that through all those laughs and smiles you looked right into her eyes and could've sworn, it was not fake. It was not a lie. It was all true. You could feel it rushing inside you that there is something wrong but you just can't lay your finger on the fact that it's her that was.

That silence, never running out of things to say, laughing and enjoying each other's company. That moment where you looked into each other's eyes and felt a zing in your stomach and goosebumps all over, because it all felt so right, just so fucking true because eyes can't lie. You just can't believe that all that was a lie. Throughout all that, in the end you were both just separated. Forbidden to see each other again. It all ended prematurely, and you'll never know what her side of the story was, something you'd be dying to hear.

There are things you saw and felt that they sure as hell couldn't, but there are things they saw and felt that you sure as hell didn't.

Now, tell me. Which side would you have listened to if you came to that scenario? Friends and family who've stuck with you through thick and thin, or that feeling of the hint of infinity still rushing inside you from all that's happened? Could it have been a misinterpretation? From yours or theirs? Would you face the facts, or trust your faith in what you believe in?

"The heart will always follow the mind. We all live to learn about ourselves, everybody is just a branch for you to understand and learn about yourself more."

should i've known.

'Cause the soul's rock hard but the heart's trapped underneath, and the weight of it all gives enough just to crush the best out of you and me but I swear that there's someone who cares here enough to set us free, and if the world don't turn just enough to bring her honest, then I guess we're better off forgotten.

Sometimes, the right thing to do doesn't necessarily mean it will feel right, because the most difficult thing to do is the right thing. What you want is not the right thing, and the right thing isn't what you want. In the end, you have to consider that sometimes, what you want isn't always what's right, that's why we make mistakes.