woosah.

If it were up to you, would you listen to what everyone around you is telling you? The cold, hard facts they state... Or would you rather listen to the things being said in your head? The thoughts and feelings you believe in?

Don't get me wrong, I've hit mind-blowing decisions like these. You will either be put down by the facts, or will be lifted off the ground by your beliefs. I was just curious, what decision would you have made?

Facts are pieces of information known to exist by evidence or demonstration. They are things you can't go against, because no matter which side or angle you look at it, it's the truth and nothing but the truth. There is no hint of lie in a fact, it is what it is and there is nothing you can do about it.

Beliefs are the mental acceptances of and conviction in the truth. The faith and trust you have to what you know and what you think is true. The side and angle that only your eyes can see, regardless whether it is a lie or not. It is what you think it is and only you influence it, nobody else.

Now that you know the base of each side, which side will you be standing by? The side with all the facts fed by everyone else, or the side with all the faith you have in yourself? Tough luck, this shit's not easy. Let us give a scenario.

The best and most painful scenario you could possibly think of would be the one within a relationship. Speaking from a guy's point of view, you meet this nice, kind lady. After getting acquainted well enough, the chase begins. Days pass, she slowly becomes the person you want to keep talking to, the one you want to get to know more and more and the person you want to be with all at the same time. Soon after, girl admits her feelings for you too. You both hit stage 3 and label yourselves as a 'couple'.

Given that the last few weeks were probably the best couple of days you've ever had for a while, now that you're together, it's as if you're on cloud 9. You'd go out with your girlfriend, you'd have the best time ever. Only you can see it, feel it and actually be with it. That notion where it's as if everything within and around you is at peace, because you're actually truly happy. You know it won't last all day, but at least at that moment in time, even if it was just for a bit, you actually were.. And it was great.

Everything felt great. You'd talk and talk, and you'd both never run out of things to say. You were so comfortable with each other that even a moment of silence between the both of you would not feel the slightest bit awkward or disturbing. Everything you would say to each other would be understood to the very base of the word, without explanation. The best feeling in the world is the one where you know that someone is right there who understands you word for word, who cares about you, and that no matter where she may be out there in the world, she is thinking of you just as you are thinking of her.

You'd have a stupid grin on when you get home. You'd be so motivated to do anything because you're so full of energy. All those times with her, your inside jokes, your similarities and differences that fit so well together, how you both are said to always be blooming and just glowing with positive energy when together... And then all that just suddenly comes crashing down when you least expect it. Shattered completely.

The next stage of this story comes forth and takes place when you get "facts" from friends and family that everything was lie. That through observation, facts and stories compiled and analyzed, they saw that everything was a lie. You did not see it coming. At all. So, you were told: She lied about her feelings to get to you. She initiated this "relationship" to her advantage so she could get what she wanted out of somebody, that somebody being you.

That she toyed with your emotions. She toyed with your whole relationship and time with her to get what she wanted out of you. She lied and faked it all. What hurts the most is that after hearing all those facts, each and every fact had evidence to prove it all true. That after all that, you just don't know what was real and what wasn't anymore. What's true, and what isn't. What's right, and what's wrong. Everything that actually meant something to you, that even for a moment made you feel infinite, just withered away to nothing all of a sudden.

You just knew and felt your friends and family had good intentions, not meaning any harm or selfish reasons. They just really wanted to protect you from getting any more damaged and hurt as it is. You can't help but agree to that, because you know that's true. However, was what was between you and her, between the two of you and only the two of you, supposed to be something they should have meddled in and caused this issue?

Deep inside all the confusion, you just can't believe it because it sure as hell didn't feel that way. If it were even the slightest bit that way, you would have at least felt something. But no, you didn't. You just somehow knew that through all those laughs and smiles you looked right into her eyes and could've sworn, it was not fake. It was not a lie. It was all true. You could feel it rushing inside you that there is something wrong but you just can't lay your finger on the fact that it's her that was.

That silence, never running out of things to say, laughing and enjoying each other's company. That moment where you looked into each other's eyes and felt a zing in your stomach and goosebumps all over, because it all felt so right, just so fucking true because eyes can't lie. You just can't believe that all that was a lie. Throughout all that, in the end you were both just separated. Forbidden to see each other again. It all ended prematurely, and you'll never know what her side of the story was, something you'd be dying to hear.

There are things you saw and felt that they sure as hell couldn't, but there are things they saw and felt that you sure as hell didn't.

Now, tell me. Which side would you have listened to if you came to that scenario? Friends and family who've stuck with you through thick and thin, or that feeling of the hint of infinity still rushing inside you from all that's happened? Could it have been a misinterpretation? From yours or theirs? Would you face the facts, or trust your faith in what you believe in?

"The heart will always follow the mind. We all live to learn about ourselves, everybody is just a branch for you to understand and learn about yourself more."

keepsakes and memories.

"Half of my heart's got a grip on the situation, half of my heart takes time."

- John Mayer

I was lying in bed one day reminiscing on the past, and what's been going on the last couple of weeks. It's been one hell of a party in my head the past couple of days.

I'm not the kind of person who can easily let go of people, keepsakes and other things that have meant a significant value to me in my life. Accepting the fact that I've lost something so dear and important, not to others, but at least to me and in my mind, is something really fucking painful to be honest. I don't really become interested in something easily, nor do I fall for some situations, people and whatsoever... But when I do, I fall pretty fuckin' hard.

When situations like this happen, that line from John Mayer's song comes to mind. One side of me wants to accept it and just move on from all the pain and tears I had to go through, while the other just wants to bear with it and hold on, even if holding on is under every circumstances wrong already. Pain is only temporary.

Stubborn: that's the word. No matter how wrong it is, how bad it will be in the long run, how painful and stupid it could get, I just cannot let some things go. Like I said, I'm not someone who gets attached to anything that easily. You must've done something really impressive if that happened. It's one of the reasons I'm afraid of getting too attached to someone/something, why I keep to myself so much.

I'd hate to admit it, but this is one of the reasons why I am so clingy, needy, overly protective and possessive. Aside from that, there's that habit of easily getting jealous over something. Hey, at least I give a damn, okay. It may not seem like it, but when someone or something becomes important to me, I want to make sure he/she is always happy, always safe and secure. I don't really show it, but I try my best even with just the littlest things to make sure they know that I love them. It's not much, but it's the best I could do. As far as generosity and kindness goes, that's what I do.

Going back to the topic, letting go is never easy. Reader, know better than me and always remember: Good things fall apart, so better things can fall together. One side of me goes, "FUCK YES BETTER THINGS FOR ME!" while another just simply says, "why do my good things have to fall apart to become better?". Being blindly optimistic to my 'good things' I'd rather keep them as is than to have them fall apart for something better because I like to think they can be better without having to fall apart.

But you know the one thing I hate the most about letting go of something I've held on to dearly? It's knowing that once I let go, it'll be nothing but a distant memory of what had been and what could've been. Time wouldn't make a difference, be it short or long, real or fake, good or bad... It's the impact they made in your life that matters most of all.

... I'm lost. Back to square one.

should i've known.

'Cause the soul's rock hard but the heart's trapped underneath, and the weight of it all gives enough just to crush the best out of you and me but I swear that there's someone who cares here enough to set us free, and if the world don't turn just enough to bring her honest, then I guess we're better off forgotten.

Sometimes, the right thing to do doesn't necessarily mean it will feel right, because the most difficult thing to do is the right thing. What you want is not the right thing, and the right thing isn't what you want. In the end, you have to consider that sometimes, what you want isn't always what's right, that's why we make mistakes.

all we have is what's left today.

Whenever you're in a relationship, whether you know it or not, there are things you and your significant other follow even if neither one of you discussed having to follow it with the other. I'm no expert when it comes to things like this, but I've picked up a thing or two about relationships and whatnot from friends, family and God knows where else.

Here are some things I've experienced, and was "informed" about (informed because there are things I forget to do too, I'm only human).

Never forget or neglect your responsibilities. Just because things have changed with a certain someone, does not mean everything else will change with it. Don't forget your place in your life, your friends, and your family.

Stick to one. When you're labelled as in a relationship with someone, dating or getting intimate someone else aside from that person is out of the question. Understand that they are yours and you are theirs, not in any material way, but through emotional means. If you don't want to be tied to one person, don't be in a relationship.

Respect. A person has needs, wants, likes, and dislikes and things attached to him/her. Don't diss any of them, that includes his/her friends, family, and material desires. If you want him/her, you have to be able to accept all of him/her.

Trust. A relationship cannot stand side by side together without it because it's all about trust. You can't take risks together, have believable conversations, rely on each other or even cooperate without trust.

Face the consequences. Be sure of your decisions, don't regret anything. It's all or nothing, and if you can't take it all, you can have nothing. In the Philippines, they say: "gawin mo ang gusto mo, pero panindigan mo".

Don't hide anything. Your partner is not just your lover, he/she is also your best friend. Someone you can be yourself with, tell anything and everything to, and enjoy absolutely anything with.

Don't rush things, live in the moment. Who knows what you could miss? Enjoy the little things, sometimes the ones that are overlooked are the ones that matter the most in the end of it all.

Fighting and arguments are good things. They're mistakes that are learned from and improved on, that lead to a deeper, better and stronger relationship with whoever it is you're with.

A little jealousy in a relationship is healthy. It only shows you're cared about, you're wanted, you're loved. You wouldn't be jealous if you didn't care.

Give space once in a while. Some alone time to yourself and your other is a good thing. There'll also be time to miss each other. Just because you're in a relationship with someone does not mean you have to be together every waking second of every day.

No lies. This applies for absolutely EVERYTHING. Do not under any circumstances lie, it's the worst possible thing you could do. You'd be betraying their trust, hiding the reality from them, and spitting on your respect for them, which is probably nothing because.. You lied.

Be proud. He/she is with you and no one else. Show off for all anyone cares, because you have something nobody else does, so to speak. Don't be ashamed of having something to do with them, that's just stupid.

Know the difference. They are not material things you can just have to use for yourself for your satisfaction, attention and enjoyment. They're human beings too. Don't think only about yourself.

Stay classy. You don't have to give everything to your lover, leave some things for yourself. Nothing ever goes the way we think they will, and if your lover disappears, you've got nothing.

Know your priorities. Your priorities are one of the things that should change when you get a girlfriend/boyfriend. Know which should be more important than the other.

There are more to this and that, but I have no intention on putting up the rest because I just either can't put it to words, or I just can't be fucked to bother (I don't really have much time to go online much anymore). I'd love to rant more about it but I'll continue some other time, this seems to be satisfactory for.. let's say, part 1. Have a goodnight, people.

you'd help me out of the dark.

It's been a while since I've last blogged. A lot of things have changed nowadays. Inside, outside, and everything in between. I flunked my exams, the one that was supposed to finally get me into college and not repeat senior year a third fuckin' time. Seriously. Third time's the charm I guess? If you're wondering what the results were, here they are:

English / Filipino / Social Studies / Maths / Science
1 100 100 86 100 100
2 91 100 93 100 100
3 95 70 89 100 87

Okay, before I explain this, DO NOT ASK how I got everything in Math perfect. I do not know, it might probably just be a god damn miracle because I know I just tried my luck and picked the most plausible answer on the list without even doing the calculations.

Anyway, those are what I got out of those 600 fucking questions they made me answer within 10 hours. It was hell, I tell you. They all criticized and told me off on my decision of taking the exam despite my odds of passing in the first place. Aside from the fact that there were 600 questions, being a foreigner in my own country, and the argument on my condition, I took the exam anyway.

As you can see, I did pretty fucking well in my opinion. I've never, ever had social studies as a subject in Brunei, nor did I ever take formal lessons on Filipino. A divine miracle happened and I did not get a single mistake in Math, English went by just fine, and Science was not something I expected to get high in being the "Absent or Asleep" student that I was back in Brunei.

But I still did not pass the exam. Why? I got 70 for Filipino, on the very last set of questions. According to Filipino education, I need to have scored at least 75 and above for each and everyone of them. Just because I got everything perfect on the last two sets does not mean I'm exempted from that rule. So, long story short: If I got above 75, I'd be able to get into college.

But I didn't. So one measly flunk meant that I flunked the whole thing. Sigh. Do I at least get an A for effort? Too late, I'm sure.

***

On a brighter note, I've learned and picked up quite a few things about myself and other things over the last couple of days. I learned (or relearned. I probably forgot some as time passed):

1. I'm afraid of the dark, but I love the dark. It's soothing, subtle and romantic.
2. As much as I love boxing, nothing will beat the love I have for music, singing and guitars.
3. You can be rude, loud and obnoxious. You can be proud, and so on, but nothing describes you're strong more than being gentle. It takes a lot of strength to be gentle amidst all the dilemmas in the world. Lola taught me this.
4. I still have some traumas from the past I can't get over.
5. I still enjoy being very cheesy.

Nothing wraps up a night like a rant and some music to boot.

love over luxury.

I've done things I'm proud of, things I'm proud to say I accomplished and achieved, things I worked hard on and paid off eventually. However proud I may be for the handful of physical, mental and material achievements I've gained, there are also things I've done that I'm not proud of.

I've made wrong decisions, big mistakes, and stupid actions. Yet after all the mayhem and chaos I've caused, here I am in one piece, alive and well. Why? No, it's not because I haven't screwed up hard enough (Well, maybe..), but I like to think that it's because I learn from all the crap I do.

You can tell me not to do this and teach me how to do that, but as stubborn and arrogant as I am (I take a lot of pride in myself), I'll do it my way, do or die. Like everybody says, if it doesn't kill you, it only makes you stronger, right? Well, that's the intention of whatever I go through and deal with.

There will be the non-believers, the haters, the jealous critics and the believers in whatever you do. The non-believers think you can't do it, that you're "weaksauce" and that you're making it up. The haters just plain hate you and want to bash your face in because you do what you do. The jealous critics criticize, duh, and make fun of your accomplishments and belittle them. Then there are your believers, the ones who motivate you and push you to keep going and do your best in whatever you put in.

As stereotypical as my description sounds, I pay no attention to any of them except for the believers. Utilize these people well, because they're the only ones that should matter aside from yourself in whatever you do. You may be an athlete, a musician, or the greatest accountant in the world. You are who you are.

Everything's a lesson, you just need to utilize it to your benefit. Whatever you go through is your life, and it's your shit, nobody else's, so don't let someone else dig into your shit. Walk a mile in someone's shoes before you judge them with what they do, because your judgement is what you really are underneath.

home is where someone thinks of you.

Being your older (but not any more mature) brother, we've been apart for nearly four years now. You're going through a lot and words cannot say just how bad I am as a brother for not being able to be there with you and Mummy as a family right now. I hope this year was no different from your other birthdays, filled with love, joy and excitement, even if I still, four years running, cannot be there to celebrate it with you.

Happy Birthday, dear sister. You mean the whole world, and I miss you so much.

then and now.

AND I QUOTE;

"someone to think of to these songs; someone to say sweet nothings to; someone to think of before i sleep and wake up; someone to say 'i love you' to; someone to call SAYAAANNGGG; someone to tell me "everything's gonna be alright" even if everything's too fucked up; someone to be handsome for; someone to inspire you to be better; someone to give you butterflies when she's around; someone who comments on your facebook page random things just to make you laugh; someone who makes the effort to make you laugh even if you're down; someone who kisses your tears away; someone who gives a fuck about whatever you're up to even if it's useless.. someone.. just someone to be happy just being with me.. to be with me-- not just physically but emotionally.. that special someone i call mine."

the sprinkles on my donut

the whipped cream on my waffle

the cherry on my ice cream

the rainbow after my rain

the star on my every night

the cheese on my sandwich

the lyrics of my song

the syrup on my pancake

the icing on my cupcake

the picture of my album

the beat of my drum

the rhythm on my guitar

the apple of my eye

the sugar in my coffee

the jill on my hill

the law in my physics

the anatomy in my biology

the reaction in my chemistry

the spelling in my english

the equation on my math

the balance in my account

the program in my computer

the tweet on my twitter

the post on my blog

the status on my facebook

the pm on my msn

the highlight of my weekend

the day of my week

the breath in my lungs

the voice in my head

the ink on my pen

the scribble on my paper

the note in my locker

the doodle on my arm

the girl of my dreams

the smile in my happiness

the love in my life

the every waking second of my every fucking day.

---

I was reading my past posts on this blog. This is how cheesy I was years ago. 2 years ago, to be exact. I still am. I also realized just how different I think now compared to back then. It's hilarious how I get this "holy shit" reaction whenever I find something that brings back memories as to how I was back then. It's all just so different now. Then again, I'm a sucker for cheesy things up till now. Some things don't change.

---

welcome to the world, izaq.

i was small.

i was innocent.

i was mistaken for a girl, too.

i was fair.

i dressed up pretty fancy back then.

but we all grow each and every day.

then we start rebelling.

i tried cross-dressing, never worked.

young, stupid and reckless. still am.

my diabetic tendencies.

after a while, we hit puberty.

we all go through that punk stage.

there's that emo stage too.

we start seeking for freedom and excitement.

we become self conscious and corrupted along the way.

we start noticing the opposite sex too.

but we still keep growing through them all.

I've grown quite a bit haven't I? I'm not done growing yet. :)

mighty fine.

Expressing myself is what I would call "a challenge". I know people who have no problem doing this. I also know people who have a massive dilemma whenever expressing themselves was needed.

I'm the kind of person who refuses the act of expression. I treat it like it's Math, I can't be fucked to bother. I'm more comfortable just going with the flow of the waves of life, keeping to myself unless it's necessary to peer out of my shell for a bit. It makes me feel comfortable, but I never realized until a few days back just how miserable and depressing it really is. I laughed at the irony.

Imagine how you're in your own shell, enjoying things and doing whatever possible to keep you occupied. Then you wonder why it feels so lonely. So, you decide to look for somebody to do something with. You convince said person to go out with you and enjoy yourselves and give the person a good time. After everything that's been said and done, you come back home and repeat cycle.

Yet, in every sense you still feel lonely. Sad. Out of place. Doesn't everybody get that sometimes? Well fine, SOME PEOPLE. I'm not saying all of us have this dilemma. I have it most of the time being someone who keeps to himself, being in my comfort zone far too giddy to even try getting out of it.

Just think about it: You don't express yourself to people, you just smile or laugh at the little things and then bug off and do your own thing. When you do say something, you just try to get some attention and run away from the facts you don't want to face. To hell with that, realization says that you could run and hide, but you won't get away. The fact of the matter is that people like that, me included, just refuse to face the bare facts.

We wonder why we're lonely, depressed, out of place and whatever shit so we try to run away from that by doing something or directing our attention to something else to forget the situation. We can keep doing that, but it will never last. Truth be told, it doesn't work that way. We find it easier to run, than to face our fears, and if that routine rubbish is not stopped, then our so-called fears will never go away.

Fear is what holds us all back from doing what we really want. We're afraid of doing this, doing that, because this might happen, that might explode, someone might react, someone might die... Whatever floats your boat. If we don't get rid of our fears, how can we expect to live life to the fullest and enjoy every little thing and be happy, to infinity and beyond?

We can only find that solution or remedy in ourselves and ourselves alone. To find it inside ourselves, we need to face our fears. To face our fears, we need to get out of our comfort zone. To get out of our comfort zone, we need to have the initiative to do that. That's why we can only do it ourselves, no help, no shortcut, nada. Me, myself and I. It goes on and on and you can't get to the finish line that never ends without doing this step by step plan full of win.

The irony of it all is that here I am telling you readers about the solution when the solution itself is something I can't achieve. Like I said, I laughed at the irony. This is my dilemma, my issue and problem that I treat as if it's rocket science. I just thought I'd give it to you all, y'know? One of these days... Talk about listening to my own advice. Do you now see where the post came from?

The source of all your problems will always be yourself. You want them out of your system, only you can do something about it, nobody else. Your life, your shit.

That was a great lesson I learned recently, don't you think?