complacency.

I have lost my composure. I need to get back into focus.

i may be away, but never gone.

Have you ever watched the news, rode the bus and looked out the window, or walked down the street and looked at other people? Not just look and acknowledge they're there, but look in a way that you're examining every aspect of who they are from your point of view. A really horrible thing to do is to look down on others. I was on the bus headed home when I watched the news and saw the situation other people were in after the storm, flooded or not. It looked so depressing to see so much suffering and despair from other people. Just because people are in a more unfortunate situation compared to us doesn't mean they're any lesser of a human being than we are.

It didn't look nice. At all. Some help the less fortunate without thinking twice, and some don't even look twice and act like nothing's happening. There's a fine line between generous and human doormat slash pushover. Some people are just really that generous and sympathetic towards others, it's something that others take advantage of. Have you ever thought that some people are just that sympathetic and giving to people who don't have what they have? Some people don't like it.

It's wrong to feel bad or feel pity for another because their issues and dilemmas are not supposed to be yours to deal with, it's theirs... But that doesn't mean you only help people out of pity. There shouldn't be a reason behind why you give and help others, you should just do so as an act of selflessness. We're all naturally selfish, there are those times I know. It's just that because of that, some people mistake most acts of generosity and selflessness for acts of pity or being condescended.

Everyone's got their own sense of pride, after all, one of the hardest things for us human beings to do is admit we need help. I'll admit, I'd rather do things myself and make mistakes along the way, than asking another for help and getting it done right the first time. I mean, where's the lesson there? In my own honest opinion, you just don't get anything productive out of help except for getting the easy way out of things.

I don't know where this post is going. Maybe it's just me venting my frustrations to be heard, or just a compilation of my point of view on certain things, or just random babbling. I feel sorry for the people who are suffering because of the flood, I feel annoyed at the people who just don't care about the unfortunate, and I'm angry at myself, feeling as if I'm just not doing anything productive even though I know I am doing so one way or the other.

It just feels so empty sometimes, y'know?

inner light, under star.

The first day of college was pretty good. Finally getting my chance to stick around with people in my age group has done some good... and some bad throughout the day. My first impression of my class and school life 'to be' wasn't what I expected. I didn't really expect much, but it went better than I thought it would have. Everyone's got their own group of friends, while I'm the social outcast sitting around waiting for class to start and end. I don't mind, I don't have to deal with any bullshit from anyone except for my own.

I'd be lying if I said I liked my class. I found most of them fucking annoying, attention seeking, inconsiderate and exceedingly arrogant.. But who am I to judge? It's only been a day. I guess we'll see how things go after a month or so. I've got uniforms and all that already, so I guess it's time I adapt for real. I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but it was fucking hilarious. Aside from my instructor calling prosthetic limbs "a prostesic" and a few classmates trying so hard to speak fancy English, they've got good senses of humor. Let's see how I do after a month. :)

~~~

Okay, I'm in the mood for some cheese. Here's something I came up with as I went along with it:

I could sit around and sing songs about you and me all day. I could talk and rant about you forever and a day to anyone who'd give me a chance. The first and last thing on my mind would be all you, just wondering how you are. Thinking, if we took a different step somewhere before all this, would we have been any different than how we are now? Hoping, you'll hear my calls for you to come back. Having faith, that through all the distance standing in between, you're still somewhere out there with me on your mind, and in your heart. I'd be lying through my teeth if I told you I was fine with everything going down, but I'd be lying to myself if I told you I don't love you anymore.

I'm still on my feet, are you? I just thought you should know.

That's enough for now. Speak and be heard, fear will only hold us back.

remembering sunday.

"Forgiveness is a quality of the strong because the weak cannot bear to forgive."

If you think logically, that quote is pretty accurate. Forgiveness involves doing a lot of things, that's why only the strong can manage to do it. To forgive another, you should first accept the fact that you're wrong. You need to have the balls to admit it and accept defeat. Next, you've got to acknowledge your mistakes. Then, you have to take responsibility for your actions. You need to take action, learn from your mistakes, and move forward.

Believe me, it's easier said than done. Holding a grudge on someone will only make you feel worse as it is, so forgive and move the fuck on. However, forgiving does not always mean you're the one at fault. That's why there's the word "for" and the word "give" in it. You give way for someone else. Be the bigger person, you don't have to win everything to be a winner, you've already won if you think so.

In tagalog, we say 'pagpasensyahan'. In malay, we say 'memaafkan'. You don't need anyone else's approval to forgive, you just need your own peace of mind. You don't need any material things to forgive, you just need to have a heart. There are people who are really forgiving, but being forgiving does not mean they're doormats and pushovers you can take advantage of. One of the hardest things to do is to forgive because forgiveness is strength, but another thing even harder to do is forgiving yourself.

Before you can forgive another, you've got to first know how to forgive yourself. Accept and take responsibilities of your flaws and let it go, move forward. You'll be at peace with yourself, and you don't need anyone else but you to do that.

Be strong. Be forgiving. You're way ahead.

you've no clue what you do.

I was supposed to leave to go boxing 5 minutes ago. The rain decided to kick in 5 minutes ago.

I'm waiting for my wraps to dry and the rain to stop long enough for me to walk to the gym.

Y'know, I think I might as well wait for lunch too.

~~~

I was on last night reading my friends' blogs. I like going through their archives and looking back at how and what they used to talk about and be like, to how and what they are now. Things change too much, too fast. I did the same thing to my blog. Back then I'd be talking about games, hangouts with friends and cheesy or funny stuff I find interesting. Now, I'd be ranting about what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, the good, the bad and everything in between.

What I did after that? I deleted it all. My posts back then to my posts now still have a slight similarity in them, but majority of it is just far too different, something I wouldn't call me anymore. I'm proud of how much I've grown compared to before. I feel so much more... Aware. Aware of all the shit around me, and all the shit inside me. You gotta enjoy things like that, it's interesting really.

What I don't get is that whenever someone has a blog, I do not see why they need to put it in private settings. To me, a blog is something you can use to speak out. To be heard. You don't trap everything you say and feel into a box, you'll waste all the color in your words. Let it free, don't be afraid of what others will think or the criticism you're going to get. Nobody thinks like you so be proud of what you think. You're going to get hit by negativity and criticism every now and again, you've just got to take things as they come and take it to your advantage. Why waste all that good thinking and cover it up from everyone hm?

It'd be understandable if it were really private, but things like that aren't things most would blog about unless they've got the balls to do it. People have journals for that. Then again, I wouldn't want my whole life being read and understood by another. I don't want to be an easy-read. I want to be something people just can't figure out, someone hard to crack. I don't want people to know what makes me tick. That's for me to know and you people to find out, capisce?

Yes, blogging is showing bits and pieces of me and what makes me tick, but that's only a small fraction of who I am. That doesn't mean you're uncovering all of me bit by bit by just reading post after post. Tough luck, bro.

~~~

The rain's stopped. Lunch's nearly done. My wraps are dry. Boxing soon, I'll blog again later.

Here's something to think about for the day:

"Action may not always bring happiness; but there is no happiness without action."

tell me i'm a wreck.

Some people are assholes. I sat with an autistic guy on the bus on the way back from an outing by myself. Two guys laughed at him. Making fun of him, y'know. He saw me holding a cake, then told me he was claustrophobic. First thing I said was, 'why did you ride a bus in the first place?' ... Followed by 'Be careful, I hope you know where you're supposed to go down'.

He was a twitchy character. He rocked back and forth in his seat and he couldn't stop fiddling with anything he owned on the bus. He was becoming pretty violent and pushy being claustrophobic and all, but I guess it was fine. He just wanted to get home. He got off eventually, was glad for him.

There are a lot of autistic people in the world. They have special needs, and they didn't have a choice. It's not like they wanted to be like that when they were born. Being autistic does not make someone any different from anybody else in the world. Just because one seems bad on the outside doesn't mean he's bad on the inside too. Have a heart for these people, because they have one too.

we were just kids in love.

My first day as a college freshman starts in about 3 days. Oh man, I'm going to miss being a bum. It's actually a good thing that I won't be bumming around anymore though. It's time I started doing something productive for myself after being a genuine bum for the last 6 months. Just imagine, 6 months. Bumming around the Philippines. Just where has all the time gone?

As much as I'm going to miss bumming, I've got to start adjusting to my schedule, routines and all that starting tomorrow at least. I've got half my uniforms (Well, the pants are XL sized and they still don't fit me. Now because of that, Lola thinks the people who study there are probably pygmies) and no books or anything school related whatsoever. I just don't know how I'm going to get through the first day. I don't care though, it's just that I hate awkwardness. It disturbs me.

Aside from settling most of my business with school, I went out to have one last she-bang before I start school. I went to ATC to watch Super 8, and get a cake from DQ using gift certificates. The movie was pretty good, I enjoyed it. There were those really funny scenes, good actions sequences along with some tear jerkers. It just wasn't enough to "move" me though. Before the movie started, I looked like a complete slob having a bag of popcorn so big I had to hug it with one arm to carry it around, and a HUGE cup of iced tea bigger than my forearm.

Life's been good to me the last couple of days. Better than usual actually. That may be so but I'm taking things one step at a time, nobody's chasing me so I've no reason to rush. A new chapter of my life starts soon, I wonder what's in store..

we're like fire and gasoline.

Y'know, sometimes I just do not get it. Although it has absolutely nothing to do with me, I find people who are just so overly... mushy with people they 'love' utterly disgusting. I know I shouldn't meddle with other people's business nor should I bash their interests just because I think it's fucking stupid, hilarious and nasty all at the same time on my end, but it just weirds me out y'know?

Here I was, doing my thing online (lurking and just creeping in and out of pages) when I decided to check up on my Facebook. I had a look at my notifications to see 2 game requests which I ignored. My attention then went to the news feed, where the top stories were things I've already seen so I thought I'd look at what's been most recent in my news feed (I nearly typed food. I must be hungry) and there I saw it.

A "friend" of mine (to be quite honest, I haven't the slightest clue who the fuck the person is. Hahahaha) was spamming the crap out of Facebook with the lamest cheesiest ass quotes in the world onto his status... Every minute. At first I thought, 'why the hell am I even friends with this guy?' before rolling my eyes like there was no tomorrow.

To be honest, I was like that before. REALLY, really like that (eh). I can get REALLY cheesy and mushy at times, but I AT LEAST NOW don't overdo it. Y'know that famous saying: 'too much is NEVER a good thing' ... Yeah, well that applies to this too. I mean, it's nice and all showing all your love and affection to your 'persona especial' and there's nothing wrong with that but for the love of God, please calm the fuck down, it's not like you're married already.

A little affection to someone special every now and again is nice, just don't overdo it. Be it a subliminal message, or a simple sentence and whatnot. It gets old, and that's what some people don't realize when they do shit too much. In the end, they'll just take all that shit for granted. You don't just say things like that. Things like that are important, valuable, and really fucking awesome. To overuse it just loses its meaning and value.

Would you rather have someone that just tells you they love you every 5 minutes, or have someone that shows you rarely, but makes each and every one of it special and valuable? That's why it disgusts me to see people that are this way. They just don't know the true value of such things.

Now tell me, just how much are you worth?

take me back to the sleepless nights, the stupid fights.

"Just don't forget this, we won't regret this. We've got one chance to get it right."

- The Maine (We All Roll Along)

It's already June 14th, time flies so fucking fast now doesn't it? It's as if it was only yesterday that... Yeah. One can only look back so many times to the days that have passed. An important somebody once told me that frustration is a feeling where you can't accept the fact that you weren't able to do something. You end up annoyed or angry, somewhere along those lines.

I know I said I've lost my frustration already, but I don't think that was very accurate. I think I only meant to say that my frustration disappeared during those moments. I have to figure out what's frustrating my ass. Truth be told, I already know what's frustrating me, I just don't want to admit it. I just don't want to face that.

I'm going to settle my business with school tomorrow so that maybe, hopefully I can start school by next week. I don't know what to expect with school here in the Philippines. I've been so used to the sleeping habit in Brunei that I'm afraid I might just do the same here. I'd walk in, go to my desk, drop my things and sleep. When a teacher shows up, get up to greet, sit and stare and somehow fall asleep after a bit. Hardworking, no?

I'm not going to lie, I'm one hell of a lazy ass, but when it comes right down to it I really do try my best to study and all... but only when I feel like it. That feeling comes rarely, but I've always managed to get good grades even if I am like that. At least I think so! I don't think anything they teach in school is necessary for me to survive reality, but knowledge is always welcome to enter my head, useful to me or not.

Anyway, going back to topic: Yes, I don't know what to expect. I'm pretty sure school life here is different in every aspect compared to school in Brunei. What's even more different is that this isn't high school anymore. I cannot imagine what the classrooms will be like, the lectures, the classmates, pretty much everything. Being a pessimist, I'm hoping for the best but expecting the worst. *grin*

Only time will tell what our future holds. What exactly we're destined to do, and all that pizazz. Yeah, only time will tell, but nobody else in the world can shape my future except for me.

The fate of my future is in the balance! I must no- okay, no.

tungsten carbon.

It's fucking annoying and stupid but at the same time ironic and funny that some people "have no faults or issues with themselves" that to compensate for that, what they do is find a fault in another human being in their lives. Myself, for example. Yet they cause all that mayhem behind my back because their faces are that full of shit to face me in person. I'm tired of that bullshit. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean another person should too.

It's been a pretty quiet day. I've been so exhausted. At least I've lost all the frustrations going around my head. Problems are not caused by others, they're problems only because you think they are. Therefore, it comes from you. I'm pleased to say I've got no problems... At the moment. If you've got a problem with me, then that's your problem. Not mine. So, if there are any issues, please say it to my face instead of cowering behind someone's back or telling another person to do it. I'd be glad to shove your problem up your ass. Thank you.

---

I'm going to Morong in a few hours. I'm thinking of ways to get out of it but it seems much better that I go anyway since I've got stuff waiting for me there aside from work. I think it's about time my routine gets changed for a while. I'll be coming back the next day, but a little change of scenery is nice even if it's just for tonight. I've grown sick and tired of certain things that it's time I take a break from it all. There's always another day, always.

Aaaaaaanyway, I was going around Tumblr when I saw something that reminded me of someone. The very first entry on the very first page right smack on my dashboard:

Fucking hell even Tumblr is taunting me.

A little change of scenery is nice every once in a while. New faces, new image in your head, new things going on inside. It's just that sometimes some sceneries take a long time to change. Some of them don't even change. It's evident that this hasn't.

when we're good, you know we're great.

By special request, this is for my very beautiful mother.

This is 'Tomorrow' by Chris Young.

Enjoy!

Click HERE to view the cover!

who cares here enough to set us free.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=u7T69EDddKw

FINALLY, it uploaded.

'twas sloppy.

Enjoy it anyway.

I'll upload another tomorrow.

hearts, they don't lie. they just quiver in fear.

Hello. The reason I have not posted anything recently is because of this damn video I've been trying to upload. I made a cover of Go Radio's House of Hallways, and I just can't seem to put it up. I've been doing it since yesterday. I managed to complete the upload twice, but Blogger just decides to fuck with me and freeze at 100% and not upload. Do you know how frustrating it is to wait 2 hours to reach 100% only to find out it wasn't going to upload anyway?! *sigh*

I'm going to try Youtube now, instead of this.. *excessive swearing* .. Yeah. Hopefully I can get it uploaded in Youtube so I can get it done and over with and finish another cover. I plan on doing Adele's Make You Feel My Love, the one Bob Dylan covered I think. If I don't do that, I'll probably just play a combination of songs by the Eraserheads and mash it all into one whole song just because. The video's currently at 2%.. I'll probably just sleep and check it again at 4AM or something, I don't know.

---

I've gotten lazy. I'm not as determined and enthusiastic compared to how I was a couple of months ago. I don't know why, but most of the time I've just been so grumpy and frustrated. Not only that, it feels as if I've lost my motivation, or any inspiration for that matter. I just don't fucking know how long this will go on but this is surely not healthy. But anyway, let's not talk about that, let's stare at this gif I found on the internet:

Fuck LOGIC. But y'know, sometimes it feels like logic's the one doing the fucking.

On a brighter note, life's been just fine. I can't say it's been bad, but I can't say it's been good either. I'm in the mood for a rant, so I'm going to roughly type down how life's been giving me lemons lately.

The house has been giving me a tense vibe lately. I don't know if it's because everyone's just stressed out with work and all. Honestly, I don't feel like I belong.

I'm pissed off at a certain somebody. I'm not going to mention names, but I am. I have a zero tolerance level for people who are full of shit.

I'm stressing out on school. I haven't enrolled, school's about to start, yaddayadda.

That's not all of it, but I just can't be fucked to talk about anything else. I'm frustrated at so many things, it's unhealthy. Whatever, I'm going to sleep.

half of my heart won't do.

I've never looked at myself as someone who would end up being a great father. Just today, I thought of what it would be like for me to have one of my own, how I would be and how I'd do. Just a little daydream, nothing specific whatsoever. I came to a conclusion that I wouldn't be a very good one. Why? I get irritated easily.

I have so many bad habits, therefore making me one hell of a bad influence to the young ones. Not only that, my image of a father would be someone strong and fearless and yadda yadda. Hell, just recently a cockroach crawled up my leg in the dark. I screamed my head off and ran out the room. I had my aunt flip my room upside down until it was killed and removed because I couldn't do it myself. She was pretty annoyed at my balls, I on the other hand am still shuddering.

Yes, manly I know. How can I protect my own children from the evils of this world!? COCKROACHES?! Of course I can't really be sure. I guess I'll have to wait until I settle down to find out then. That's going to be a loooooooong time from now. The thought of it was hilarious though. Me, a father. HAH.

---

Today was one of a kind. Instead of being online at 2AM like I said in my last post, I woke up at 5AM to the sound of rain (My bad, the alarm didn't wake me up). It wasn't that loud, but for a heavy sleeper like me, it managed to wake me up. I spent most of the morning doing absolutely nothing while everyone in the house cooked and cleaned pretty much everything. Again. A clean house is clean.

At about 2PM, I gave up doing absolutely doing and decided to go boxing (I ran an errand before I went). It was still raining so I walked to the gym in a jacket and all. I looked like a kid trying to run away from home with all my mismatched clothes (the jacket didn't go with the boxing outfit for the day, and it was cold so... Yeah). I reached the gym soaking wet only to find out that the gym was freezing cold due to the rain. There was hardly any people as usual, which meant I could hog the whole gym.

After 3 hours of sweating (I dried up pretty fast with the cold, it made me fatigued and pissed off), I decided to give up on such a pointless attempt to train and just take a hot shower before heading home. I got home wet, furious at the fact that it cost the damn tricycle 40 pesos just to get me home. Hell, I wouldn't have taken one if it wasn't raining cats and dogs! ... But rain is good. Really good. I like the rain.

After going through with the usual house routine, here I am. It's still raining and it's gotten even worse. I guess that storm warning they gave us was a little too early now wasn't it? Well screw that, I'm enjoying the night online in my room bumming around with a blue electric fan I named Pablo and my guitar whom I have yet to name. Either I've already named my guitar and just completely forgot, or I really haven't named him yet.

It's been a while since I've felt this cold in the Philippines. The only time this ever happens is when I go out bus tripping or hang out with me, myself and I at a cinema or something. Yes sad I know, but it gets me by just fine so no complaints from me.

I'm going to catch up on some sleep and wake up again later or something. I've got this horrible sleeping habit I can't shake off and I'm in the mood to just vent. There are just some things I can't talk about here though. There are things I consider too personal or just too stupid to say to even bother posting here so I'll put up vague hints in each of my posts just to see if anyone cares enough to notice.

Sometimes, I wonder if you're still alive. Logic tells me that there are so many ways to communicate with others that I would have heard from you by now if I even meant something to you. It's either that or faith. Faith tells me otherwise.

Fuck logic, I'm going with faith.

to the low-tech.

The people of yesterday call our generation 'lucky'. If there was ever a conversation you had with an adult, one of them would probably be about the time where there was no internet, cell phones and what not. How communicating with anybody in the world would be via snail mail, long distance travel or excessive screaming on your balcony to your neighbor. How doing anything back then was relatively harder than it is now. How courting a woman back then was insanely hard to do compared to the women of today.

I thought it'd be nice to talk about my experiences with social networking sites since I've got a whole lot under my belt. I still remember the day I started becoming such a geek with computers. My mum thought it would be nice to make myself an e-mail (I was around 9 or 10 years old). I used it specifically for online games and talking to friends (at 10, yes I know). It's the e-mail I've stuck with ever since.

I remember the day I made a Facebook. While everybody was on Friendster and spamming the shit out of it, I apparently got bored of the daily routine of checking it for the sake of talking to friends and having that stupid status crap going, I was looking for a different website to get sick of. I spotted myspace, which looked freaking disgusting in my opinion, and then I spotted Facebook. When I signed up, I realized that only a handful of my friends had a Facebook. I thought it would be funny to hog the website to myself. I stuck to that ever since.

Going even way back, I remember the day I made a Friendster account. Mum was always a very protective parent, and I was not allowed to do a whole lot of shit in the internet, like download and all. She was afraid some pedophile would add me up on the site or I'd end up seeing porn (Which I didn't, I swear! ... Well, on that site at least. Boys will be boys, shut up). A few of my friends already had Friendster accounts, where I told my mum. She reluctantly gave in and told me I could make one. I still have the account active with all its glory even though I don't use it anymore.

There was also that time where I made a Tumblr account. Back when only a handful of people had one in Brunei, I made one for the sake of stalking a friend of mine and mindfucking her into thinking I was some totally awesome guy she'd fall madly in love with. She "figured out" my intentions a week later and called me stupid for thinking I'd be able to pull it off. I was doomed from the start anyway, she knew my plan before I even started and just played along to mindfuck me instead. I still have the account which I use it daily (I stopped using it for a year or two back then though).

The best memory I have of social networks on the internet would be the day I made a Twitter account. Back then I always thought Twitter was some piece of shit website I would never, ever like. A couple of my friends were already trying to convince me on signing up. I refused and refused and insulted everyone who had one. I even mocked it. I told myself if there was one thing I'd never have in my entire life, it'd be a Twitter account. The next day, I gave up and made one. It's been my whole life since. *sigh*

It's been years, and I've still got them active. I'm such an internet geek. It's only a matter of time until I decide to make a post on the online games I've played which were ju- Actually, I don't wanna go there. Let's leave this as it is.

Oh and if you're a stalker or just plain curious, I've got links to the ones I still use on the sidebar where it says "PROFILE". I don't know how some of you can even overlook that, but just click the word and it'll take you there.

---

I'm going to sleep. If anyone's interested, I'll be on MSN later at around 2-3AM. Send me a friend request if you're interested in having a chat. Yahoo!, AIM or whatever you decide to use, I think it's already possible to inter chat (Use a Yahoo! messenger to chat with someone using an MSN messenger for example).

Either that, or send me an e-mail as a substitute for snail mail or something. I'm just that bored to be honest. School supposedly starts next week and I don't know if I've enrolled or not yet. Whatever, man. Truth be told, I just want attention. Mmmmmmmmm.. Attention.

all i needed was a call that never came.

I have been spacing out every now and again but I have no solid explanation as to why it's happening. The most plausible conclusion I made for it was because I've been thinking too much again. I feel like I think so much that I just don't even realize I'm thinking, that I don't even know what I'm thinking about anymore.

Things are happening too fast again. It's as if the whole world's spinning faster than normal. Maybe it's just me being sleepy. Let's experiment: I'll sleep now, and wake up again at around 3AM and see if I feel any different. Aaaand.. Out.

---

It's 3.45AM. I feel even worse. This really puts things into perspective. Never think in the middle of the night half conscious and half aware of anything around you.

Then again, I guess this mood/feeling is better than anything else during the day. It's so quiet and peaceful, inside and outside. As if every problem in the world stopped and everyone's all happy and in sync with everything else. Either this is just me thinking in a very introverted way, or I'm just really nocturnal. To put it correctly, maybe everyone's already in sync with everything else and it's just me who's really out of sync here.

All this ranting is making me feel hungry too. Mmmm.. Food. My most favorite food in the whole world is macaroni and chees- Oops, sorry I went out of topic there. Really though, it's my most favorite food in the whole wo- Okay, I'll stop now.

The best thing to describe this mood/feeling is 'tired'. I had a post about this feeling before and I described it as 'something missing'. Yes, maybe I'm just lonely. Or depressed or some shit. Whatever, don't judge me. I'm only human and I'm sure you are too. We all feel a little fucked up sometimes.

To wrap this up, it's a kind of tired that sleep can't fix.

save your breath and i'll talk instead.

There are people who put up plastic faces. Faces they show to others, faces they want others to believe are genuine. These people are full of shit. To hide the truth is not only lying to others, but lying to yourself. Some people would go to any lengths to prove their plastic face is real, some people even wind up insane believing it's real even when they know deep down it's a complete fake.

I'm not going to hide anything, in my own honest opinion there are just some people in the world that aren't worth being real to. What you see is what you get, and that's what I'm going to give you. Nothing more, nothing less. I'm not going to lie if I know inside that I like it, nor will I just be nice and say that I do even when I know I don't. Of course, that's just me. What about you?

Some call it being heartless, I call it being brutally honest. For example, you are about to be given a cupcake. Would you rather have the one that's bitter but sugar coated with something sweet, or the one that's bitter and nothing else? Don't tell me you won't pick the one with the sugar coating, because a vast majority would do just that.

In all honesty, that's what everyone wants in the world. People who sugar coat them with what they think is nice. Only a select few in the world want to face the bitter reality. Different people put up different kinds of defense mechanisms so they won't get hurt, so they don't have to face the bitterness, so they can get away and escape from reality.

A friend of mine once said, "escaping reality is like escaping the trial meant for you to go through in order to begin your journey of self discovery". The point I'm trying to make is obvious, don't try to escape reality. You're only fooling yourself if you think escaping reality is living. It isn't.

By escaping reality, you're only lying to yourself for not facing the truth, for not facing the fact that what is is what is. You'd be living a lie, hell, you'd be a lie. You'd be putting up a plastic face for everyone to see, because the real you inside that face doesn't want to face what's in front of you. You'd only be trying to convince yourself that a lie is the truth. It's pathetic, it's disgusting, it's fucking stupid.

To know the truth, and cover it up with lies because you don't want to face it... How low can you get? It's like saying you love someone, but holding it back and saying you don't because you're afraid of the truth. You're in denial and murdering a part of your world. What's worse is getting caught in the act. It's not so bad if nobody knows, but once you get caught doing this, every image about you is completely shattered.

All the truths you've said in the past are now moot after what you did, and moving on from that, how can you expect someone to believe what you say anymore? In the end, everything you say and will say will just end up as a doubt, nothing believable anymore. You've done it once, you can do it again. It's all face value from there.

Face reality, don't kill it.

honestly, i have been begging for answers that you and only you can give to me.

It's been ages since I've done a cover and put it online for people to see. I still play my guitar every chance I get, and I think I've improved quite a bit compared to how I played before. I'll probably upload a cover here and on Youtube instead of Facebook now. I've always thought of the guitar as something really special. In my head, playing a song on the guitar allows me to speak of words I myself cannot utter. I play the songs I play for a reason.

Life's been fine. Nothing special, just fine. I've been spending most of my time cooped up in my room on the laptop waiting for some divine miracle. My emotions the last couple of days have been affecting my actions and the people around me take it the wrong way. It's normal to me, but not to the people around me and for that, I've got to apologize. My moods and actions have been very apathetic but the apathy can't be helped. I'm not angry, or sad, or anything. Okay maybe I am, but whatever, I've just got a lot on my mind.

There's been so much on my mind that I just cannot think of what to talk about here anymore. There's just too many things to talk about, too many things left unsaid, too many things left unfinished, too many things left messy. I just cannot stand it, so I'll sit down. Hah. Y'know what, I think I'll just talk about what I did today.

I have this horrible routine where I'd sleep at around 11PM and wake up at 3AM. At that time, I just sit around staring at the ceiling, listening to music and thinking. Either that or I'd be online looking for something to do until I feel sleepy again. I usually end up falling asleep by 5AM. I end up waking up at 9.30AM, where the day begins. Today, I cleaned up my room, arranged my stuff, fixed my closet and fixed up my overly stuffed wallet.

One thing I've realized is that I keep far too many things for "remembrance". I found top-up cards from Brunei, my gym card, and other old cards that are of no use anymore. I also found a bunch of movie tickets and receipts from here and there. One of them was a receipt for dinner at Karate Kid. It brings back so many things... Good times. So much for that. I placed everything I considered a keepsake in my closet. My wallet's become really skinny.

To be honest, I like keeping things like that. It brings back memories and makes me feel like I've still got what I no longer have. It's depressing I know, but hey, we all do what we can to get by. Over the last couple of days, I've also realized just how much I care for some things. I just care far too much. Well, I already knew that before, but I thought I got rid of the characteristic, or whatever you call it.

I miss a certain people. A certain person to be exact. One last thing I've realized is that my mind still hasn't changed. Stubborn is as stubborn does, and I'm keeping my faith, I've got nothing to lose. This summer's been full of mistakes I just wouldn't learn from.

It's a quiet and rainy 3rd of June. I hope you all are enjoying it.

the things worth saying.

“Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”

-Albert Einstein

There are quite a number of people I know that just degrade themselves to the level of shit. I don't know why, but I'm guessing some do it for attention. Others would probably do that out of self pity, and the rest probably just felt like it, who knows. I absolutely hate it when I find out someone I know thinks so negatively about themselves. Some people just don't know their worth. I'm not saying I'm not one of them, I have my moments with self pity too. Everyone does.

Yes, crying and wallowing in your own self pity is a good thing sometimes. It helps us remember that this is reality, and we're still alive. To know that we are human after all. Just don't overdo it with the waterworks and the emotional negativity, too much is never a good thing. To think that you aren't just as important and wanted as anyone else around you makes you a complete and total dumb shit.

Wake up, insecurities won't make you feel any better. It only goes one way, and that's if you think you're full of shit, then you probably are. End of story. Everyone's got something inside them that they hate, or maybe just something about themselves that makes them feel bad. So, you have this "disadvantage", who gives a damn? Nobody. Well, maybe you but whatever. You could have a cleft lip for all anyone cares, that doesn't make you any less special from anyone else.

Point is, every single one of us is special in our own way. We can have anything, but we just can't have it all. Everyone's got something nobody else has except for themselves, be grateful for that. Yes, there will always be someone better than you out there and that's understood. If you look at it the right way, that's actually a good thing. I mean, if there was nobody better than you, how can you get better when you already know you're the best?

You are what you eat, from your head to your feet. Feed yourself rubbish and that's what you shall be. Feed yourself awesomeness, that's what you will fucking be.