tungsten carbon.

It's fucking annoying and stupid but at the same time ironic and funny that some people "have no faults or issues with themselves" that to compensate for that, what they do is find a fault in another human being in their lives. Myself, for example. Yet they cause all that mayhem behind my back because their faces are that full of shit to face me in person. I'm tired of that bullshit. Just because you feel bad doesn't mean another person should too.

It's been a pretty quiet day. I've been so exhausted. At least I've lost all the frustrations going around my head. Problems are not caused by others, they're problems only because you think they are. Therefore, it comes from you. I'm pleased to say I've got no problems... At the moment. If you've got a problem with me, then that's your problem. Not mine. So, if there are any issues, please say it to my face instead of cowering behind someone's back or telling another person to do it. I'd be glad to shove your problem up your ass. Thank you.

---

I'm going to Morong in a few hours. I'm thinking of ways to get out of it but it seems much better that I go anyway since I've got stuff waiting for me there aside from work. I think it's about time my routine gets changed for a while. I'll be coming back the next day, but a little change of scenery is nice even if it's just for tonight. I've grown sick and tired of certain things that it's time I take a break from it all. There's always another day, always.

Aaaaaaanyway, I was going around Tumblr when I saw something that reminded me of someone. The very first entry on the very first page right smack on my dashboard:

Fucking hell even Tumblr is taunting me.

A little change of scenery is nice every once in a while. New faces, new image in your head, new things going on inside. It's just that sometimes some sceneries take a long time to change. Some of them don't even change. It's evident that this hasn't.

hearts, they don't lie. they just quiver in fear.

Hello. The reason I have not posted anything recently is because of this damn video I've been trying to upload. I made a cover of Go Radio's House of Hallways, and I just can't seem to put it up. I've been doing it since yesterday. I managed to complete the upload twice, but Blogger just decides to fuck with me and freeze at 100% and not upload. Do you know how frustrating it is to wait 2 hours to reach 100% only to find out it wasn't going to upload anyway?! *sigh*

I'm going to try Youtube now, instead of this.. *excessive swearing* .. Yeah. Hopefully I can get it uploaded in Youtube so I can get it done and over with and finish another cover. I plan on doing Adele's Make You Feel My Love, the one Bob Dylan covered I think. If I don't do that, I'll probably just play a combination of songs by the Eraserheads and mash it all into one whole song just because. The video's currently at 2%.. I'll probably just sleep and check it again at 4AM or something, I don't know.

---

I've gotten lazy. I'm not as determined and enthusiastic compared to how I was a couple of months ago. I don't know why, but most of the time I've just been so grumpy and frustrated. Not only that, it feels as if I've lost my motivation, or any inspiration for that matter. I just don't fucking know how long this will go on but this is surely not healthy. But anyway, let's not talk about that, let's stare at this gif I found on the internet:

Fuck LOGIC. But y'know, sometimes it feels like logic's the one doing the fucking.

On a brighter note, life's been just fine. I can't say it's been bad, but I can't say it's been good either. I'm in the mood for a rant, so I'm going to roughly type down how life's been giving me lemons lately.

The house has been giving me a tense vibe lately. I don't know if it's because everyone's just stressed out with work and all. Honestly, I don't feel like I belong.

I'm pissed off at a certain somebody. I'm not going to mention names, but I am. I have a zero tolerance level for people who are full of shit.

I'm stressing out on school. I haven't enrolled, school's about to start, yaddayadda.

That's not all of it, but I just can't be fucked to talk about anything else. I'm frustrated at so many things, it's unhealthy. Whatever, I'm going to sleep.

i have a long line of things to say but i'll leave it at, "you amaze me".

"Never apologize for what you feel, it's like saying sorry for being real."

Doesn't it annoy you sometimes that it's just beyond your control what with all the rules, obligations, attachments, connections, problems and everything to do with life that we can't always feel what we truly want to feel? Yeah, fucking annoying.

It may be out of respect, or out of keeping the peace and responsibilities intact, but in the end of all that, it just kills you inside to know that what you truly feel inside is being held back by something of higher power and authority to you. What hurts even more is the fact that you can't do shit about it.

As much as you want to, there are things that are just the way they are and that's how they're going to be. You can't do anything about it, because it's just wrong. It's like shattering the center of gravity that keeps your world together. If you thought about it logically, you'd lose in every way. It's like you against the world, the chances of you overcoming the odds are just... shit. No offense.

There are just some things I shouldn't think about.

---

Do you know the feeling of being replaced? The feeling of you thinking just how likely it is for you to be replaced, what more not even knowing if you've already been replaced or not. Harsh shit. I, for one, am stubborn, plain stubborn. Some things can't be helped, they're just the way they are.. And I'm one of those people who can't accept that because I know deep down I could move heaven and hell to get what I want. Fuck yeah.

the attraction? i dunno, she's got gaps, I got gaps, together we fill gaps.

I'm leaving a ladder full of reasons

Along with a line that starts to blur

Into a page that says you faded away too young.

- Go Radio.

I thought I'd be well over the things that have happened over the last couple of weeks. I thought I'd be even stronger by now. I thought I would know better and forget about all the mistakes and wrong assumptions, all the reasons and problems I went through. Instead, here I am still dwelling on all the wasted time and effort, thinking of what could've been and what is real to me.

In a span of two weeks, I've learned that everybody is just a branch for you to learn about yourself more. That everybody is literally just another path that crossed yours. Most of all, I've learned that I don't need anybody or anything apart from me, myself and I to be happy. It sounds selfish, narcissistic and biased, but it is the truth. I mean, aren't we all?

Nobody owes nobody nothin'. You owe yourself.

- Rock Balboa (III)

I see things much clearer now than I did before. Knowing everything that I know now makes me feel so disgusted at who I was before. Who I am hates who I've been, just like the song, but like someone taught me, I should just be laughing at that. It's nothing anymore since the past has passed and that at least I know how much better I've changed now.

But just because I don't need anybody or anything to be happy apart from myself, it doesn't mean I can't have anybody or anything. Someone. Something. Maybe it's just me being lonely again. You can move heaven and hell to get what you want, but if what you want, your dreams and your hopes, includes another human being, it is just plain immoral. It's not right.

In other words, you can want all you want, you can have anything you want, but you can't have everything, and you sure as hell can't make someone do the same. Do as you please, but just you. Don't include anybody else.

---

Found this in google a while ago.

I'm an addict for dramatics, I confuse the two for love.

love is like an ocean,

it goes down so deep.

love is like a rose,

whose beauty you want to keep.

love is like a river,

that will never end.

love is like a dove,

with a beautiful message to send.

love is like a song,

that goes on and on forever.

my love is like a prisoner,

it's to you that I surrender.

I miss you, having you around to talk to, have you around to laugh with. Most of all, I miss just being with you. Where has all this gone?